We’d Rather Get A Lot of Things Before A Photo of Pauly D’s New Hair

AHHH cut my hair ! Gonna reveal a pic with my new track in 30 mins !!!

— DJ Pauly D (@DJPaulyD)

August 11, 2014

New Haircut, New Song ! Grab it for FREE ! @DJPaulyD & @deliriousalexk "No Tomorrow" http://t.co/X7Dx1JNEeZ

— DJ Pauly D (@DJPaulyD)

August 11, 2014

Pauly D took to Twitter to announce the recent cutting of his hair, but he wasn't about to just let us see it with no strings attached. Around the globe people everywhere stopped debating the Gaza conflict, burning tyres in Maidan Square, and attempting to combat famine across the entire continent of Africa in order to leap onto Soundcloud and check out the Jersey Shore star's new 'do—accompanied by a brand new track (it's garbage and won't be embeded here). Having just gotten my hair cut as well, it got me thinking about everything I would rather have with a new song than a photo of Pauly D's hair.

1. A Photo of a Kitten

Like most of the civilized world, I love cats. In 2010, I was "the cat guy." I adore any scampering feline and if it happens to be a kitten, words defeat the size to which my heart swells. If Pauly D's new song had a photo of a kitten as cover art, I would listen to it in its entirety out of principle.

2. Free Food

I once did a survey for Benson & Hedges cigarettes because they offered a Tim Hortons giftcard. They didn't tell me how much was on it ($10), but I was sincerely thrilled to do it regardless. If Pauly D's latest single came with an eGiftcard to any restaurant (at ANY denomination) I would listen to and download it. The campaign would probably be cheaper than the ghost producer hired to make the track in the first place.

3. A Pillow

Unless you've just been woken up to it smothering your face, there is no situation in which a pillow wouldn't be loved. I will gladly comment and like for a pillow.

4. A Sock (any colour)

Whether left or right, a sock would have leagues more utility to our race as human beings than a photo of Pauly D's new haircut.

5. A Kind Text

Sometimes I text myself nice messages to cheer myself up; it doesn't matter if I know I sent it. Nobody will ever say no to a nice text.

6. A Photo of Anybody Else's Hair

Imagine if Pauly D rick-rolled us and his cover art was a photo of Rick Astley's hair. Or anybody's hair for that matter. Think how much funnier that would be.

7. Ebola

That's right, ebola. I would rather have internal hemorrhagic fever than a photo of Pauly D.

8. To Smell Like Subway All The Time

If Pauly D's new song came with a disclaimer warning me that I'd smell like Subway sandwiches, I would probably take it over a photo of his hair.

9. Uggs

Even the one piece of clothing that evaded ironic normcore fashion would be a welcome gift at this point.

10. To Write Numerated Lists Until I Die

This would actually be pretty useful! I'd simply apply to Buzzfeed and live my life normally. This would be a fabulous alternative.

"Timezones prevented this list from being longer" - @bluuuuueeeeeee

If you liked this article, you'll love:
An Open Letter to David Guetta
Calvin Harris Cockblocked Ex-Girlfriend Rita Ora at Last Night's Teen Choice Awards
Festival Fit: The Washboard Abs of VELD Fest