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Wendy Parker, a registered nurse clinical specialist who specializes in prescribing medication for children and teens, told me doctors often experiment with medication to see what works before they diagnose young people with things like bipolar disorder. "If you give her a medication like Prozac, you watch quickly to see if she responds to it," said Parker. "If she doesn't, and the mood starts to swing from depression to giddy, silly, happy, or from depression to fiercely angry," then doctors have to try a new diagnosis or a new drug.A few years ago, my friend was prescribed 20 mg of Prozac. Then it was increased to 40 mg, and then to 60 mg, and then they added on 250 mg of the mood stabler Seroquel. She's told me again and again that the medication isn't working. This past December, she decided to stop taking everything altogether. Since then she's dropped out of college and relocated to the other side of the country for an indefinite amount of time. She says she doesn't know where she will be in a month which frightens me. She is always moving, uprooting herself in a merry-go-round of life-changing decisions. And I am forever watching from the side, grasping at her whenever I can, trying to pull her back in.I am forever watching from the side, grasping at her whenever I can, trying to pull her back in.
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There are the rare times when my friend opens up about what is going on inside her head and I don't know what to say. She mentions the suicide notes she's already written or her plan to kill herself once her mother is dead. In moments like these, when I don't know what the right words are, desperate to say something that will matter to her, and scared that what I say will do more harm than good, Parker told me it's best to keep it simple and honest."That would be a place for a friend to say 'Life is important. Your life is important.' It helps," she said.And I can't give up on her until she understands that. I let her ignore my texts for days, without ever expressing my frustration. I don't complain that she keeps secrets from me and doesn't tell me about her life. I ignore the fact that we speak only when she decides she wants to. Our relationship is one entirely on her terms, and that's the way I imagine it will stay until she gets better. I don't pretend that maintaining our friendship is number one on her priority list. I wouldn't want it to be. Because each time I feel slighted by her, or ignored, or hurt in some way, I automatically forgive her the second after it happens. And I'm going to continue doing that.If you are struggling with depression or suicide, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.Follow Catherine Pears on Twitter.I'm frustrated that the drugs don't work. I am frustrated that drugs seem to be her only option.