Goop is well known for being one of the more brow-raising places on the internet. As Hannah Ewens notes in “The 'Goop Effect': The Women Who Spend Hundreds Seeking Spirituality,” the platform has both filled and fed a search for easily digestible spirituality and meaning from largely Western, privileged millennials who are turning away from organized religion and opening up their pocketbooks instead. It's the poster child for retail self-care,woo-woo supplements, and watered-down interpretations of Eastern medicine. And if we were Scrooge McDucking in a gold-coin swimming pool as big as GP’s, we would probably feel fine rolling the dice on some $1,049 gemstone heat therapy mats to see if they make us feel better about our petty problems. And we would be lying if we were to say we weren’t curious about the homewares, electronics, and left-field objects deemed worthy of Goop’s council. Even—or perhaps especially—some of the most frivolous amongst them merit more investigation. For frivolity does not equate to stupidity, my bro. (Just please stay far, far away from the (plentiful) Goop stuff served with dubious health claims—or at least buy at your own risk, with a chunky grain of freshly grated Himalayan salt.)
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Sure, it's easy to ridicule a leather carrying bag for a watermelon, but isn't there something appealing about something so patently absurd, too? (See: this Goop gift guide.) I hate that person, murmurs the churlish demon baby on our shoulder, even as we inexplicably want to be that person. As it turns out, there's actually a lot of pretty appealing stuff on the Goop site, from beautifully designed kitchen appliances to out-there sex toys, and there’s certainly a distinct sense of curation to the site’s goods, whether you love or hate them. That watermelon tote (the hill we’ll die on, apparently) was actually made by talented Japanese leather workers who have been perfecting their craft since the 60s as part of a reflective, artistic project called “The Fun of Carrying.” Honestly... sounds kind of cool?Today, we’ve simply decided it’s our job, as curious consumers who want to feel something, to sift through the crystals and manuka honey and find the most whimsical, indulgent, or straight-up useful stuff that’s worth taking to the grave (or, at least the checkout line). No, we're not going for the $15,000 24k Gold G-Spot Vibrator; these picks are at least somewhat within reach. Cheers. [Raises kombucha in the air.]Goop actually has a pretty amazing sex toy selection, from classics like the Womanizer to stuff even our horny, jaded arses have never seen before, like "The French Lover," a tongue simulator that practically has sentience, and a beautiful 24-karat-gold vibrator on a tasteful necklace (for a fraction of the aforementioned 24K G-spot vibe). But perhaps most intriguing is the Ultraplush Self-Heating G-Spot Vibrator with ten vibration modes (that’sthree steady intensities and seven patterns,) that’s made with dual-density silicone for a super-soft “plush” feeling.Best of all, it warms up to a few degrees above body temp, so it feels like you're really doin' it with, well, a warm body.
An all-gender sex toy with a self-warming function
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Speaking of (literally) hot sex…
This vibrator that looks like a cake pop
What Drake uses to bake a lasagna
Your face craves squalene and "caviar lime"
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A Skip-It for grownups
Need a break from technology?
If you’re not growing your own mushrooms, what are you even doing?
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So you wanna track the moon…
Ah yes, the yoni egg that started it all
The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story. Want more reviews, recommendations, and red-hot deals? Sign up for our newsletter.