As a regular customer of Indonesian convenient stores for many years, I think it's time to address the little black boxes sitting right next to the ribbed and strawberry-flavored condoms near the cashier. The iconic packaging of the boxes features a smiling blonde woman wearing a tight red t-shirt underneath an equally tight black tank top. Ask anyone about it and they would immediately recognize them as tisu mejik, or magic tissues. Sadly, nobody I know really knows what these tissues do, how to use them, and most importantly, if they are really magic.

Like many others, I had only a vague idea about their function. I knew that they're somehow supposed to prolong erections, but what I was curious about is how they do it. I tried Googling "tissue magic" and variations of it several times, and always wound up on a YouTube video of a little Pakistani girl eagerly showing the internet a magic trick involving tissue paper, water, and a ball. It managed to distract me from my main goal of finding out what magic tissues really do. Every. Single. Time.

Not until recently did I find out that there are lesser known brands of these tissues. I decided that it's time to try them with my partner, which I'm going to call D because it's 1) the first letter of his name, and 2) the subject matter of this article. Since I felt self-conscious about buying the tissues in real life, I added three of them to D's online shopping cart. They arrived two days later, alongside some camping cookware.

The variant we were both excited to try first was called Black Parade. The packaging features a black and white photo of who seems to be Natalie Portman in a strapless gown. I guess we expected the tissue to be black and drenched in the tears of eyeliner-wearing middle schoolers circa 2007, but we were surprised by the fact that the contents of the box were white, and only very slightly damp.

The box says it's antiseptic, that it can only be used once, and instructed us to rub the tissue on his umm… member and leave it alone for 3-5 minutes. It contains purified H2O, Ethyl Alcohol, Fragrance, and "Other Active Ingredients." Nothing said anything about when you're supposed to use it, so we assumed that it's supposed to be applied directly after a period of arousal. After some foreplay, we did exactly that.

He didn't feel anything strange, and the scent was kind of nice. The problem here is what is D supposed to do for 3-5 minutes. We waited for a little while but, honestly, it was awkward, so we jumped right into the intercourse. I really wanted to feel something, but the truth was I did not feel any difference and D lasted around the same time as usual.

Pro: The scent was okay, and it's probably actually antiseptic so… who doesn't love good hygiene? Not me. It also crossed my mind to use the remaining tissues as makeup wipes. Maybe my face would last longer?

Con: It didn't change our lives.

Magic: Nope.

Verdict: 1 out of 5 tissues.

Since it's from the same brand as Black Parade, all of the instructions are the same. The only apparent difference is the ingredients. It contains purified H2O, Ethyl Alcohol, PEG, Aloe Vera Extract, Fragrance, and "Other Active Ingredients." Upon opening the plastic wrapper, we found that it's much wetter than the previous tissue. The scent was a little stronger than the Black Parade tissues. D immediately used it.

Me: How do you feel?
D: Kinda numb. Wait, but only some parts are.
Which part?
Only the tip is numb.
OK. Should we start?

We tried several positions, but the tissue made him numb. We were listening to Elvis Depressedly at the time, and finished after about 9 songs. After the underwhelming experience of trying the Black Parade, we were pleasantly surprised. It actually did what it said on the box. Was it the Aloe Vera extract? My mother used to rub Aloe Vera Extract on my head to make my hair longer, and it never occurred to me that I would someday rub it on something else to it longer.

Pro: The scent was nice. The tissue prolongs the erection quite a bit, working against the effect of Elvis Depressedly's music.

Con: D felt numb, which sort of defeats the purpose of prolonging an erection.

Magic: Not really.

Verdict: 3 out of 5 tissues.

Here comes the moment of truth. We finally got to unpack the black box we always see at the cashier while buying a mouthwash. The ingredients of the tissue are Alcohol, Benzalkonium Chloride, Triclosan, Cocamidopropyl Betaine, PEG-78, Glyceryl cocoate, and purified water. I looked up all of those and found a page discussing the dangers of these tissues, which I pretended not to read.

We didn't expect too much. Really, we were too afraid to be let down (pun intended) again. Unlike the previous attempts, we really tried to soak D's member in the wet tissue before putting it anywhere. The box said to wait 5-15 minutes. We probably waited 3, because what could we have done for 15 minutes? Probably watch an episode of Rick and Morty, but we decided not to.

We went at it for a while and D said it felt pretty normal. We then started to think that the tissue has done nothing at all.

We were trying a lot of different positions when I noticed something strange. Had we gone through FIVE Swans songs? At that moment, I knew why the blonde lady on the packaging was smiling. We finished soon after that, gave each other a loud high-five, and passed out.

Pro: D lasted through five Swans songs. He wasn't numb. It was an overall great experience.

Con: I'm trying to think of any.

Magic: Um… Yes.

Verdict: 4 out of 5 tissues.

After trying all three variants of the tissues, I can now answer the three initial questions I had in mind before I tried them.

What do the tissues do? They prolong erections. Some of the ingredients, aside from being antiseptic, work to make you feel numb so you won't ejaculate too fast. But this might sometimes work against a person's interests.

How do you use them? Simply rub them on an erect penis and leave on for however long it says in the box.

Are they really magic? Sometimes.

Kristal Mustika is a pseudonym.