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So we’ve all seen Jesus Christ Superstar. Or The Last Temptation of Christ. Or, at the very least Life of Brian. So I need not explain the process in too much detail. Suffice to say, some poor sod is stripped, nailed to a cross and left to die atop a pretty hill. Not as well known is how someone actually dies during crucifixion. Shock? Not really. Blood loss? Nope. Exposure? Occasionally. In fact the main cause of death is suffocation resulting from the restriction of the ribs, lungs and diaphragm when left hanging by outstretched arms. A fucking painful and drawn out death. But let’s face it, after the initial nailing and maybe five minutes worth of gazing at a nude guy doing his best biblical pose (add two extra minutes if the crucifee is a girl), crucifixion is a pretty damn boring event. On the upside, though, to paraphrase Victor Moore’s classic line on execution: “If it was good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for me.”
Pain: 4 McVeighs
Spectacle: 2 McVeighs
Fun: 1 McVeigh BURNING AT THE STAKE
Though it fell out of fashion in 1834, burning reigned supreme as the big daddy of execution methods for a good 1200 years beforehand. And here’s why. Watching someone scream in agony as they are engulfed in flames, smelling their own flesh burning around them, makes for damn good family entertainment. And that’s exactly what it was. A fully fledged family festival. With street performers, stoat-on-a-stick and carni games. Mel Brooks sure wasn’t kidding when he sang “The Inquisition, What A Show”. So, in our modern age of family dysfunction, where families no longer spend quality time together, there is definitely something to be said for getting back to the popular old ways. Roast rapist anyone?
Pain: 4 McVeighs
Spectacle: 4 McVeighs
Fun: 4 McVeighs IMPALEMENT
Back in primary school I was always taught that if you had a hot iron pole shoved up your ass, pushed through your body and forced out your mouth, death would be instantaneous. But seems Miss Davis led me astray. You see, if done properly, impalement results in a prolonged and decidedly agonising death. In spite of the mutilated innards, choking sensation and one hell of an ass-ache, impaled people were known to live for days propped up like newly planted trees. If we wanna really see how it’s done without attracting the ire of those pesky civil libertarians, we can pay a quick visit to Algiers and Tripoli, where impalement is still a method du jour. However, before you fork out your hard-earned tourist dollars I should warn you that, much like crucifixion, there isn’t much to see after the initial ass ripping. Maybe we should just go skiing instead.
Pain: 5 McVeighs
Spectacle: 2 McVeighs
Fun: 4 McVeighs BOILING
Cooking as a means of entertainment has really taken off in recent years (Jamie Oliver, Nigella Bites, etc), so I reckon this just might catch on. Unlike prawn crackers, which get dropped into boiling oil, the prisoner in this case gets to feel the oil heat around him, from the comfort of room temperature to the searing pain of full boil (assuming he doesn’t expire beforehand). Now that’s what Icall good pucka!
Pain: 4 McVeighs
Spectacle: 3 McVeighs
Fun: 3 McVeighs FREEZE DRYING
Those despicable Nazis were onto something when they attempted to freeze dry body parts of living victims and then smashed them into little pieces like glass. The logical extension of this practice is freeze drying the whole person and taking to them with a good whacking stick. Okay, so it’s never been tried as a method of execution, but you gotta give it to me—it’s a whole lot cooler than some of the other methods on the books. An obvious downside is the speedy death that follows total immersion in liquid hydrogen, but this is offset by the possibility for incredible spectacle. Dictate a prisoner’s final meal to include wrapped lollies and little toys and you got yourself a human piñata.
Pain: 1 McVeigh
Spectacle: 4 McVeighs
Fun: 4 McVeighs THE HORN
While in some cultures rams horns are blown in religious ceremonies, in others they are shoved deep into a condemned person’s ass. In those latter cultures, the horn is merely a means to an end (if you’ll pardon the pun), because, in a procedure similar to felching (but minus the gerbil) an iron rod with barbed iron spikes is fed down the length of the horn up into the intestines and then twisted around until all that is left of the person’s innards is a messy shit-and-bile puree. Unfortunately any resultant spectacle value is quite decidedly offset by the pungent stench that inevitably spews forth from the breached and broken orifice.
Pain: 4 McVeighs
Spectacle: 2 McVeighs
Fun: 3 McVeighs THE WHEEL
It is hard to imagine any method of execution that rates as high in all criteria as that old Franco-Germanic favourite called The Wheel. Here the prisoner’s limbs are broken and his newly malleable body is affixed backwards onto a giant wooden wheel. Upon said wheel can be found big metal spikes that, at first, only press against the poor prisoner’s skin. That is until the wheel is pushed along the street or rolled down a hill, when they tear right through, ever more deeply, whilst the prisoner is crushed by road detritus from front on. I don’t mean to influence government policy too strongly here but what better way to raise revenue than to have massive public wheel races? Yes. Think of it. A public forum where you get rid of up to ten or so undesirables in front of a crowd of beer swilling, popcorn munching spectators, all of whom have placed bets with hillside bookies. This is Gladiator for the new millenium. In fact, I’m gonna try it with my next dog.
Pain: 5 McVeighs
Spectacle: 5 McVeighs
Fun: 5 McVeighs BRAM