It's Nazi Party Time!

Guess what? The English Defence League are pissed off about Muslims infiltrating all their skinhead drinking clubs and hooligan firms, and they're not afraid to show it! Last weekend various regional chapters of the EDL got together in Luton to ruin everyone's weekend.

Before the day's event, the EDL promised that 7,000 of their members would be joined by Defence League comrades from mainland Europe in order to "reclaim" the grim provincial airport town for the white working class. In reality only about 1,500 people showed up and one of them punched EDL leader Tommy Robinson in the face. That was the best bit.

Robinson had been on a massive recruitment drive before the march, banging his drum on the radio and even securing the chance to rant like a daytime drunk in a suburban pub to Jeremy Paxman on Newsnight.

Robinson's deputy Kevin Carroll pitched in too. He came up with a story about a Muslim coming to his house and shooting at him with a sawn-off shotgun (but missing from a distance of 10ft) in an attempt to enrage people into attending. It didn't work, really.

The 2,000 police that had been drafted in from places where they don't have any crime like Devon and Gloucestershire were met with 20% of the expected EDL turnout. Cost to the taxpayer? A million pounds. None of which the EDL were able to immediately pour back into the treasury's coffers as police had ordered a blanket ban on the sale of alcohol across Luton starting at 11am. This didn't stop them from bringing a shitload of glass bottles with them to hurl at me and the other photographers, though.

Here are the EDL with some of their new BFFs from Holland and Germany. You've got to assume that these shaky friendships crumble after three bottles of whiskey when the EDL start rolling out the "Three World Wars and one World Cup" at the German Defence League's neo-Nazis.

As usual Unite Against Fascism showed up to protest against the EDL. Some of them managed to get into the train station and stop a large group of EDL members from getting off trains. The police responded by shutting the station and diverting the EDL to Luton Airport, two miles away from the designated muster point. As funny is that is, imagine having to be the conductor who has to explain to 300 fat skins that they're being taken away from a race riot.

As usual the EDL 'Angels' were at the demo in force. While I don't agree with the politics, it's hard to deny the quality of the babes, huh? I can see us together now: me drinking Fosters in the bath; she gets off the toilet, wipes her ass with yesterday's Star and hops in to join me.

The EDL put their new token Asian on show after everyone found out the last one was a massive racist. Having an Asian racist in your gang to prove that you aren't racist is the equivalent of repressed gays who hang outside clubs beating up men who suck them off.

The best bit of any EDL rally is when all the pricks start fighting each other; one football firm finds themselves crammed into the same small space as a pack of their hated rivals and suddenly white brotherhood seems unimportant. This is why no-one should worry about them as a political force…

Here's Rabbi Shifren having a little cry, surrounded by bald men. Perhaps he realised that hanging out with Nazis is a bad look for a Rabbi.

The shitty atmosphere Tommy Robinson [third right] helped whip up backfired on him when one of his own men punched him in the face.

He could have come off a lot worse to be fair – in the build-up to the protests, there'd been rumours that a local gang of Muslim heroin dealers who've taken to calling themselves The Gambinos were gonna come along and attack the EDL with weapons. Absolutely no-one shot him though. There wasn't as much as one tiny, little bullet.

This guy was disappointed The Gambinos didn't turn up. You can't see it in this picture, but he was wearing arseless chaps and kept telling everyone his name was "Tommy Martyr".

After the march the EDL gathered in St George's Square (durr). Once there, they did whet they do best: telling me I look like shit comedian Russell Howard and doing bad impressions of this guy. Some other bloke was singing "Pretty Vacant". These guys had come up from Reading for the day and they were loving it. It's great to see young people involved in politics, huh? If only mainstream politics had fun policies like "hang the Muzzers".

After a while the EDL got boring so I ventured over to the UAF's gathering on the other side of town. They'd all been stirred up into a liberal approximation of A Baying Mob by a (false) rumour that the EDL had attacked a local mosque. Here they are having a bit of a barney with the po-po about it.

If you wandered what all the students were moaning about last year, this is what a kettle looks like. It's rubbish.

As some of the protesters broke free of the kettle this guy got body checked by a policewoman. A policewoman! In your face Andy Gray.

With the kettle failing and the UAF looking increasingly likely to break free, the police went all Teenage Riot and sent in the horses. Cue chants of "Get that animal off that horse" and a girl called Jemimah falling over in some horseshit.

Eventually everyone got bored and decided to head off home. Inevitably the UAF and the EDL ran into each other on one of the station's platforms, leading to this little exchange.

All in all it was a fairly quiet day for what was meant to be an orgy of chaos and destruction. The EDL's numbers were small, no mosques were burnt and no local Asian gangs came to kill Tommy Robinson. Maybe they should just give up and listen to what this guy has to say.

HENRY LANGSTON