Theme Park… On Acid!

Anything on acid is nuts right?  John Lennon is like Paul McCartney… on acid; Lady Gaga is like Cyndi Lauper… on acid; If is like Grange Hill… on LOADS of acid! Etc. Well we thought we’d do really scary things on acid, to see if that journalistic cliche had a point.So, this blog was originally going to be called: “Skydiving On Acid”.

It would have been great, because that would be the most terrifying thing on earth and I would give pretty much anything to see someone who isn’t me do it. But due to numerous reasons (money, “health and safety gone mad”, etc) it got downgraded to “visiting a theme park on acid”. It’s not as good, but it’s still more interesting than a kick in the teeth, right?

I got my friend Sean to do the acid and come with me to Chessington World of Adventures. The reason we went to Chessington rather than the far superior Thorpe Park is because I’m an idiot and didn’t even realise they were two different places until we got to the park and I couldn’t find “Saw: The Ride”.

BTW: The guy who we got the acid from gave it to us from this taxidermied frog purse. If I were Johnny Depp, I would probably think this was the coolest thing in the entire world.

Our arrival at the park was the cue for the onset of a four-hour monsoon. Which is why Sean is wearing this lovely rain poncho in all of the photos. I don’t do a lot of acid, but I’d have imagined sunshine to be a more preferable weather type to have contextualising your trip.

As it was the only ride operating in the rain, we went on “Bubbleworks” (formally, “Professor Burp’s Bubbleworks”) first. It’s one of those kid’s boat rides where you ride through an animatronic wonderland of automatons, like Westworld. Sean said the acid hadn’t kicked in at this point, but based on his reaction to that sign that says “Foamer”, I’m calling bullshit.

After that we pissed around waiting for rides to open. The mood was pretty grim as the whole place seemed to be populated by cruel latchkey kids, looking for a victim. Eventually a rollercoaster opened. Sean didn’t have much to say about his time on the ride, but judging by the look on his face, I think it’s safe to say he had a blast.

At this point Sean began to get a little overwhelmed because everything was starting to resemble “that Keanu Reeves cartoon movie where you see his little cell-shaded penis” so we went inside the all-you-can-eat pizza buffet for a quick break. This is Sean saying “This isn’t like a regular restaurant, is it? I’m finding it really difficult to determine whether I’m inside or outside.”

Tip: Never take someone on acid to an all-you-can-eat buffet. Paying £9 for them to eat two bites of pizza and a slice of garlic bread is incredibly wasteful.

“Ride the rattlesnake”? I’m 99% sure that someone had plastered sexual innuendos all over the park on purpose. There were similar signs at “The Kobra” and “The Black Buccaneer”, too. And one of the rides had a Burger King ad warning you to “Hold on tight to your Whopper”. Ew.

This queue found Sean in a philosophical mood: “It’s really clever how they designed the queuing system – They’ve laid it out in such a way that it seems like you’ve travelled further than you have. That way you really feel like you’ve achieved something. I guess it’s a similar concept to M.C. Escher paintings.”

Like with all drugs, the “saying cliched bullshit” factor is extremely high with acid. This is right about the time in the day when Sean started explaining to me that he finally got “what the spirit of Woodstock was all about, man”.

“I really like this ride.” Sean reasoned. “It’s really J-LOish. Wait, do I mean J-LO? Or do I mean Britney? Which one is the one with the chairs?” I know the ride is barely in this picture, but I couldn’t think of anywhere else to use this shot of this guy filming a new super-high-budget looking kid’s street magic show.

Acid in full swing: “Fuck, I wish you guys could see what I’m seeing. It’s like, a beach and the sun in the back of that guy’s head. It’s… beautiful.”

Though I was secretly hoping he would freak out on the larger rides, the only thing that really got Sean worked up during the day was having to wait in queues. This is him trying to avoid eye contact with the kid in the green stripes who just called us “peado gang bangers” and requested that we “stop fucking staring” at him.

This is the Asian-themed queue for the log ride. Sean described it as: “Definitely my favourite place in the park. It’s just so peaceful. I could spend a whole day here.”

And this is the actual log ride itself: “This the greatest feeling in the world. Not the whole ride, just that feeling of making the transition from solid ground to flotation. Wow. Just… Wow.”

We ended our day in the aquarium. Which we were in for like, a billion hours while Sean alternated between saying “this is just what I needed” and trying to explain to me how many levels of 2D were making up the 3D image I was seeing (a lot, apparently).

Conclusion: Going to a theme park on acid is probably a lot more fun than spending a day at a theme park with someone else who is on acid. And definitely a lot more fun than reading a blog about someone you don’t know doing it.

JAMIE LEE CURTIS TAETE

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