Next week, citizens of the great, dairy-saturated state of Wisconsin will go to the polls to vote in their increasingly crucial primary, and throw their collective weight behind one of the many colorful and/or terrifying candidates for the highest office in the land. Our great American democratic tradition of picking some rich asshole to reign over us as temporary king will manifest itself in the schools and town halls of the heartland, and the Badger State will claim its crown as the most important presidential primary since the last one and the most pivotal until the next one.
And yet, it will be a bittersweet moment for the state’s dickhead-in-chief, Governor Scott Walker. Had he not found himself surrounded by the talents of a shouty woman-hating racist, a less shouty woman-hating racist, and a man who is literally asleep, this would have been his great homecoming, a surefire way to shore up his candidacy for the Republican presidential nomination in his home state. Instead, Walker was forced by dint of his sheer unpopularity to crawl back to Wisconsin and wreak havoc on a more concentrated area. Keep in mind, this is a man who heartily endorses the Zodic Killer (alias Ted Cruz) and just got fried by Donald Trump—Donald Trump—for being too conservative.
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But given that Walker couldn’t even make it into the top ten most awful, union-busting, woman-hating, Muslim-bashing, KKK-sympathizing, gun-toting, batshit loony presidential hopefuls in the United States, it’s worth wondering where he ranks on other lists. Does he go as hard as other Scotts from history? Is he even the best Scott Walker currently doing things?
The answer to these and other questions is, “No. No, Scott Walker is not even in the Top 10 anything ever. Please stop.”
To illustrate that, we put together a not-entirely-comprehensive list of other, superior Scotts—including a much, much better Scott Walker. Be sure to stop by the Unintimidated: Wisconsin Musicians Against Scott Walker site, too, in case you needed a reminder that this guy is just the worst.
Bon Scott
The iconic AC/DC frontman only spent six years with the legendary Aussie rock’n’roll dirtbags before his untimely death, but during those six years, he sang on most of their best albums: Highway to Hell, Powerage, If You Want Blood, You’ve Got It, High Voltage, Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap, Let There Be Rock, and T.N.T. You know who’s probably never even been to Australia? Scott Walter. You know who probably can’t even name an AC/DC song besides “Highway to Hell”? Scott Walker. What a fucking nerd.
Travi$ Scott
Shocking as this may be, Houston rapper Travi$ Scott was not actually born with the name ‘Scott’. In fact, he didn’t even have a dollar sign in his name. According to this article we just found online and believe completely now, he is “just another Illuminati rapper” which makes total and complete sense when you consider the following: “‘Travi$ Scott’ isn’t his real name, which only continues the concept of magic aliases and secret names which run rampant in hip hop. He follows a long line of rappers who take on a potentially occult name like 50 Cent, Snoop Dogg, The Game, Eminem, Jay-Z, etc.” BOOM. Think about that America. Anyway, even though his real name is actually Jacques and not Scott, he is, according to that article we just read, “involved with Satanism,” so he’s definitely cooler than Wisconsin’s Scott Walker who is not.
Scott Stapp
Scott Stapp—formerly of your mom’s favorite “Christian rock group,” Creed—is “the 68th greatest heavy metal singer of all time,” according to Hit Parade. That means there are allegedly 67 people better at singing heavy metal than Scott Stapp. You know who none of those people are? Wisconsin’s Scott Walker, that’s who. He didn’t even make it to the top 100. What a dick.
Scott Gorham
Literal riff lord Scott Gorham plays guitar in Thin Lizzy, i.e. one of the greatest rock’n’roll bands of all fucking goddamn time. He’s also played guitar for Supertramp, the Rollins Band, Asia, Pat Travers, Ricky Warwick, and Phil Lynott’s solo albums. You know who didn’t do any of that? Scott Walker. That’s who
Scott Kelly
He’s a founding member of Neurosis, Tribes of Neurot, and Shrinebuilder, co-owns Neurot Records, has found considerable success with his darkly lush solo project, and has collaborated with every respectable metal musician in existence (one of his current projects, Corrections House, pairs him with Eyehategod’s Mike IX Williams, producer Sanford Parker, and Yakuza’s Bruce Lamont). He also shares a name with a fucking astronaut, and is one of the most respected and beloved figures in American heavy music. You know who isn’t? Scott Walker, that’s who. What a fucking poser.
Jill Scott
Jill Scott’s voice is a goddamn national treasure. Call it R&B, call it neosoul, call it what you will, but the Grammy-winning diva, blossoming actress, and prolific philanthropist has got pure, gorgeous soul leaking out her ears. Her work with the Blue Babe Foundation helps young minority students pay to go to college, and Jill herself has spoken out about how women of color are negatively represented in music and the media. Given Scott Walker’s love for the racist “right to work” labor law, we’re guessing they wouldn’t really get along. You know who has no soul? Scott Walker. You know what’s probably leaking out of Scott Walker’s ears? Dribbly bits of fecal matter, because Scott Walker’s got shit for brains.
Scott Ian
In addition to slinging the axe and writing lyrics for Anthrax, one of thrash metal’s original Big Four (and the only East Coast-based member of the quartet, NYC holler!) and playing guitar for crossover thrash enfants terribles Stormtroopers of Death, Scott Ian is also the proud owner of a truly magnificent goatee, and a budding TV star: he’s a regular talking head for VH1, and has appeared on a rock’n’roll reality show with Ted Nugent and Sebastian Bach. Despite his tolerance for the Nuge’s insane, gun-toting conservatism, would our man Ian ever show Scott Walker how to play the riff to “Indians”? Hell no. Is Scott Walker The Law? He wishes.
Scott “Wino” Weinrich
Wino is the Lemmy of doom. Since 1976, he’s been lending his mournful cries and doomed riffs to the massively influential likes of Saint Vitus, Spirit Caravan, The Obsessed, Shrinebuilder, The Hidden Hand, and his own solo project, is pretty much universally revered as a doom metal icon, and boasts an astronomical tolerance for the kind of hard living and hard drugs that we all assumed would kill Keith Richards decades ago. Do you think Scott Walker has done any of that? Of course not. Was Scott Walker born too late? Honestly, it’s a shame that he was born at all.
Gil Scott-Heron
A dearly departed architect of some of the greatest music of the 20th Century, Gil Scott-Heron would have been 67-years-old yesterday. He was an absolute goddamn titan who inspired an entire generation of human beings. None of this can be said for Scott Walker, who is a cock.
Scott Reeder
Fireball Ministry’s Scott Reeder has been holding it down for big fat stoner riffs since the 90s, when he briefly teamed up with Wino in The Obsessed. Shortly thereafter, he joined Kyuss, the grandaddies of stoned-to-the-bone desert rock, and took some time out to play on Goatsnake’s classic Trampled Under Hoof. Reeder’s made an indelible mark on one of metal’s most aggressively chill subgenres, and is still out there slinging riffs and raising hell. You know who has no chill whatsoever? Scott Walker. What a fucking square.
Scott Joplin
Back in the early 20th century, ragtime lived and died with Scott Joplin, the King of the Ragtime Writers who posthumously won a Pulitzer Prize for his contributions to American music. Even if the “Maple Leaf Rag” hasn’t qualified as a club banger since 1917, Joplin will forever be remember as having made an important and positive mark on American culture—unlike Scott Walker, who will be remembered only as an insufferable, unapologetic enemy of the working class with a weak chin and ratty eyes.
Sir Ridley Scott
He’s not especially musical, but any director who can make a dystopian hell-future look cool in Blade Runner, leave us guessing about Thelma & Louise’s fate for decades on, and has the cojones to tackle the production of Lords of Chaos, the tale of murderous Norwegians and tremolo chords that’s become black metal canon, is DEFINITELY a billion percent cooler than Scott Walker, whose savage budget cuts to Wisconsin’s public schools and university funding have gutted arts education across the Badger State.
Scott Walker
I’m not ruling out the possibility that there’s some sort of Dorian Gray shit going on between Wisconsin’s Scott Walker and legendary Lord of Darkness Scott Walker. The latter’s harrowing twelve-minute epics do sound like the soundtrack to the former’s social policies: babies crying, mass plagues, general anguish. So, Wisconsin’s Scott Walker continues to look like a waxwork of himself while the great man ages on his behalf. Still, it’s indisputable that the elder Scott Walker is better in every single respect than his life-sapping counterpart. Scott Walker: not even the best Scott Walker.
Scott Helman
If you turn on your TV box in Canada to watch the Blue Jays play the Canucks in a game of winterball, the chances are you will hear a Scott Helman track at one point or another. You’ll enjoy that, too, because sings nice songs and has a nice voice. He’s also not a dick and doesn’t have any intention of defunding Planned Parenthood. High scores all round, there.
Scott Weiland
Why, cruel and vengeful God, would you take from us the good man Scott Weiland, and leave us with this other, inferior Scott?
Scotty McReery
Scotty McReery is like the fourth thing that comes up when you search the word ‘Scott’ on Spotify. That’s weird, because he’s really tremendously bad. He’s like the bastard child of Kidz Bop and Florida Georgia Line. In his most popular track ‘Feelin’ It’, though, he doesn’t express any explicit intention to crush organized labor. So, score one for young McReery, there.
SCOTTY from Eurotrip
On a sort of unrelated note, I always felt bad for the lead singer of Lustra, the band that wrote and performed the hit song “Scotty Doesn’t Know” from the movie Eurotrip. He was usurped by a shaven-headed Matt Damon in the movie while his band jammed out. Anyway, in the film Scotty gets humiliated by this song because it turns out that Matt Damon is sleeping with his girlfriend. Scotty didn’t have to drop out of the Republican primaries after polling at less than 1 percent, though.
Literally all Scots
Literally all currently living Scots are better than Wisconsin’s Scott Walker, who is a dick. That’s not to say that there are no dicks in Scotland, but on the whole they are a fun-loving, hardy people with a taste for strong ale and an excellent education system. They also have fantastic accents and their police force once paid for me to fly there after a drunk man punched my mate in the face on a night out in Edinburgh. Wisconsin’s Scott Walker probably wouldn’t even pay for me to go to Wisconsin (which is a shame, because I hear it’s really nice there).
