Kids love chewing gum. They love unsheathing it from its packet, offering it to their friend and snatching it back before their friend can take it, relentlessly chewing on it until it loses any semblance of its original flavour or texture, then sticking it underneath their desks at school. It’s an intrinsic part of any child’s life; one that ultimately dictates a healthy development and a positive mentality, according to science and facts and stuff.
Some people, however, have turned to chewing on adhesive tape rather than gum. Because what’s the difference, really? For example, Andrea, a 23-year-old woman from Cobb County, Georgia, “nibbles (her) way” through 6,000ft of tape every month. She says, “I usually chew it for about 30 seconds. That piece will eventually dissolve – sometimes I swallow bits of it – then I just put in another piece of tape.” I’m almost sure it’s a perfectly harmless pastime and it’s definitely a lot cheaper than buying endless packets of chewing gum, so why aren’t more parents buying Sellotape and feeding it to their children?
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Something needed to be done about this, so I decided to call schools and parents and responsibly option them specially priced, ready-to-eat tape.
NATIONAL CONFEDERATION OF PARENT TEACHER ASSOCIATION, KENT
Photo by Hannah Webb
VICE: Hello, I’m offering a special discount on up to 10,000ft of Sellotape. Are you interested?
Receptionist: I beg your pardon?
Trust me – your children will love it.
We don’t need any stationery.
It’s food, not stationery. Delicious food for children.
Don’t call here again.
*hangs up*
THE GREEK PARENTS’ ASSOCIATION, LONDON
VICE: Hello. Have you heard of an organic formula called Cellulose?
Receptionist: No.
Oh, OK. Well, it’s what Sellotape is made of and it’s really tasty. If you order some from me right now, your kids could be eating it tonight. Isn’t that exciting?
Why would I want to feed my kids Sellotape?
Because it’s just like chewing gum. A great, cheap alternative to chewing gum.
What are you on about? Look, I’m going to report you to child abuse. What’s your full name and address, please?
*hangs up*
CRANBROOK SCOOL PARENT’S ASSOCIATION, KENT
VICE: I want to feed sticky tape to your children.
Receptionist: Excuse me? What are you talking about?
I want to sell you Sellotape so your children can eat it.
Are you a paedophile?
I am a Sellophile. Just like your son, I’m guessing.
Can you just fuck off, please? We don’t take calls from perverts.
HOOK SCHOOL PARENTS’ ASSOCIATION, HAMPSHIRE
VICE: Are your kids hungry? I have some sticky tape for them to chew on.
Man: Sorry, we don’t … what?
Don’t deny your children Sellotape. It’s a great alternative to chewing gum; it’s cheaper and doesn’t contain any sugar whatsoever.
Are you insane, or something? I’d have to be a complete maniac to let you anywhere near minors. Goodbye and never call here again.
SIR THOMAS RICH’S SCHOOL, GLOUCESTER
VICE: Can I interest you in some tape for your students to chew on?
Receptionist: Can you call back sometime after lunch, please?
Well, I’m right around the corner with my truck and I can come and deliver the tape now, if you want?
Have you spoken to anyone else here?
No, I’m new to this business. All I want to do is give tape to your kids so they can chew on it.
Are you twisted? Why is your number blocked?
Listen, all you do is cut off a small piece of tape, put it in your mouth and swallow it. It’s an absolute no-brainer.
*hangs up*
ETON BOARDING SCHOOL, WINDSOR
VICE: Hi, Eton. Do I have an exciting offer for you; I’m selling quality sticky tape for your kids to eat on their lunch break.
Receptionist: No, we’re fine for tape, thanks. Bye bye now.
No, wait – an Eton affiliation would be great for my business. I have rubber tape and masking tape too, if you’d like?
I’m afraid we already have a stationery supplier and a catering department. Plus, I don’t think anyone here is interested in eating Sellotape. Good luck to you, but please don’t call here again.
Follow Nimrod on Twitter: @nnimrodd
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