The good thing about crying is you can do it in the comfort of your own home, with friends, or with family, basically anywhere – it’s up to you. It’s a key-quality that places crying above pooping in the bodily-functions league table.
Myself; a homeless-guy that I witnessed masturbating in a car park; 361,481 babies; Pharrell Williams; we’ve all cried recently. Strangely, only one of us made the headlines – Pharrell; the content generator for things normal people do, like displaying emotion or wearing hats.
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I’m here to tell you that, despite popular belief, crying isn’t just for Pharrell, crying is for everyone. Lots of famous people have tear ducts. It’s time to find out, who did it better?
PHARRELL NOT SO HAPPY?
Oprah feasts on tears. Each issue of O magazine is sealed with them. That feeling you get when you purposefully study every text message sent from an ex-lover? The sadness that blindsides you at quarter-past ten on a weekday morning when you decide to press play on your year 10 Death Cab For Cutie and Something Corporate mix you made for Emily Charlton but never gave to her? Oprah is the flesh and bone equivalent – a human saline solution who can draw tears out of you through osmosis and video montages.
Because of this, Pharrell’s cry is a great one. It ranks high in levels of moisture, his eyes are red, and he’s more choked up then when he swallowed all that Coachella dust. This is a happy cry. Pharrell gets four sad faces.
4/5
I’M A GANGSTER, MISS KATIE
Lil Wayne, a man who once wrote the line “I don’t rap, I shit like a newborn”, is one of the most misunderstood artists in music, a meme signifying the decline of hip-hop seen through people that haven’t listened to Dedication 2 or No Ceilings but have heard his Paris Hilton collaboration.
The thing is – Wayne is a genius. An hour-long interview with Elliot Wilson is the ideal viewfinder to his brain, but it’s this interview with Miss Katie Couric that showcases him as more than a man that many believe only raps about “pussy”, “pussy monsters” and “popping that pussy”.
Lil Wayne is from New Orleans and shortly after Hurricane Katrina, he wrote a song called “Georgia Bush” attacking the way that the aftermath of the disaster was handled. When Katie asks him about it (5 mins in), you can see the tears in his eyes, the lump in his throat, the way that he genuinely feels a heartfelt passion for the victims of the disaster. It’s low on moisture, it’s low on actual crying, but it’s high on feels and authenticity.
3/5
THIS GIRL CRYING OVER ED SHEERAN AFTER HAVING HER WISDOM TEETH REMOVED
Why is this on YouTube / I love YouTube.
5/5
LADY GAGA CRIES ALL THE TIME
Lady Gaga has cried at least five-fleshlights worth of moisture in front of a camera lense. In one video she cries while wearing sunglasses, then remembers that she’s wearing sunglasses, and takes them off. In another, she is so astounded by a performance on “So You Think You Can Dance” that she starts bawling. Type Lada Gaga crying into YouTube and you’ll be presented with a bunch of live performances that feature crying. But it’s this video, from her HBO Documentary, which is the best.
She’s crying because her spirit is so full of “authenticity and genuine blood” (as opposed to fake blood) and because she “just wants to be queen for them”, it’s the perfect example of an emotionally candid moment that’s been purposefully captured by really expensive cameras. The tears are wet, the face is scrunched, but it’s a little bit like – “I only want to help you (to help me sell a thousand more records)”.
1/5
LIL B LOVES YOU ALL
Lil B’s sob – at three minutes – is also purposefully captured by cameras but, whatever, he’s the Based God – a guy whose personal brand is appreciation for everything in the world, not walking around wearing the fashion equivalent of a coochie. Points lost because it’s pre-meditated but points gained than Gaga because it’s 100% love.
3/5
PEOPLE THAT STILL PRETEND THAT DRAKE CRIES
No video evidence exists of Drake crying can we please stop pulling that same joke?
OTHER PEOPLE CRYING TO DRAKE
This is still kinda funny, though, IDK.
3/5
BEYONCE CRYING BECAUSE GOD GAVE HER TALENT :|
I’m sick of pretending: I don’t ‘get’ Beyonce.
2/5
THE BEST EPISODE OF THE FRESH PRINCE EVER
Is it acting if Will Smith plays himself? I’m going to say yes because Will Smith is kind of terrible at pretending to cry but, for anyone that’s ever lived a divorced childhood, he perfectly captures the feeling of abandonment and want for a Father figure. I give this five sad face emojis out of five sad face emojis and oh yeah BTW Nas totally cleared up the issue of ghostwriting Will Smith’s “Getting Jiggy With It” earlier this week.
5/5
Follow Ryan on Twitter: @RyanBassil
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