There’s a new The Weeknd song and now everything is going to be OK. The R&B singer released the title track off his forthcoming Starboy album expected to come out on November 25, according to a tweet from the Canadian pop icon. The song “Starboy” features Daft Punk, waking the duo from the robotic slumber they’ve been under since 2013. Keen fans of The Weeknd will note the 18 tracks listed on iTunes for Starboy, including another yet-to-be-released song called “False Alarm.” Most shockingly, the album art for Starboy seems to show The Weeknd, real name, Abel Tesfaye, cut his hair. After hours of searching Ebay for any remnants of the hair, in lieu of my own receding hairline, none could be located.
In the meantime, we’ve been listening to “Starboy” over and over in an effort to gain some deeper knowledge of The Weeknd and how he climbed to the top of the social ladder. Toronto’s The Weeknd is a numb-faced prophet and we are his disciples. After hundreds—probably thousands of listens, we discovered a bounty of life advice packed into the three-minute-and-fifty second masterpiece. From car care to cocaine preparation, “Starboy” has everything you need to live a rich and fulfilling life. Below is a list of advice from the lyrics of “Starboy.”
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“I’m trying to put you in the worst mood, I/P1 cleaner than your church shoes, I”
If you’re going to put someone in a bad mood, The Weeknd believes having a very clean car is the way to go. “P1” is probably referring to the P1 McLaren, a car worth over a million dollars. Now, call me thrifty, but my church shoes cost $35. They are red Lance Armstrong-brand Nikes I bought after the whole steroid juicing scandal and they were on mad sale. Thanks, Lance. There are 95 Dodge Caravans cleaner than my church shoes. Get better church shoes.
As well as being a pop star, The Weeknd is a successful “bitch league” manager. While most of us fantasize about making state bitch league on a bitch scholarship and get drafted into the national bitch league, most of us are out here in beer bitch league still having bitch dreams. A few lucky ones make side bitch league, or they move north to join the Canadian bitch league, but guys like me are stuck playing fantasy bitch league. Try your best in bitch gym class.
“You talkin money need a hearing aid”
Deaf and hard of hearing people can thank The Weeknd for being inclusive in his insults about their lack of wealth. Ring ring. That’s the money calling and signing. Always use accessible money.
“Cut that ivory into skinny pieces/Then she clean up with her face/Well I love my baby”
Cut your “ivory” (cocaine, we think) into “skinny pieces” (neat lines, we think) in order to share and express your love to someone important in your life. The Weeknd shows that chopping cocaine for a loved one means that you are both handy and cultured. They will reciprocate their affection by slamming their face into your neat cocaine piles, as is written in the bible. Be kind to one another.
“Star Trek roof in that wrath of Khan/Girls get loose when they hear this song”
The Weeknd tells us that Star Trek references increase your chances of having coitus with human females. The intricacies of this lyric run deep. As we all know, in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan opens with Captain Kirk running a simulation of the Kobayashi Maru puzzle. The test goes that a captain must choose between saving their own ship or sacrifice themselves to try and save others. It’s a no-win scenario meant to test one’s character. The Weeknd obviously mastered this test, much like Captain James T. Kirk who (SPOILER ALERT) tampers with the simulation in order to win, thus getting girls loose. Star Trek is an aphrodisiac.
“Look what you got/I’m a mother fuckin star boy”
A quick scan around me shows I have $5 headphones, a broken printer, some books I never read, a lazy dog named Abby, painters tape on a window project I never finished from what must be a few years ago now—I’m doing pretty good. I feel healthy. That’s more than most, and I’m thankful. I have a decent grasp on the English language and can spell whole words, like “week,” “end,” and “weekend.” What about you, The Weeknd? Oh. The Weeknd is a mother fuckin star boy.
Devin Pacholik had nothing better to do last night. Follow him on Twitter.
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