Imagine a metal sheath around your penis lined with spikes, so each time you get an erection your penis iron-maidened. Spiked penis sheaths are just one of the innovative methods designed to stop kids touching themselves, along with genital electro-shock, penis piercing, labia clamping and, for a few lucky girls, a clitoridectomy. Quite right too, masturbation turns your dink into a snail and your vagina into a bucket of chicken.
Until the 18th century, masturbation was just a moral problem. Apparently, God disapproves of wanking, which is unfair, because he designed our hands to hang right by our genitals. However, in 1769, some Swiss quack called Tissot wrote a text called Onanism, or a treatise upon the disorders produced by masturbation, decreeing all auto-erotic fun as dangerous as sucking off a syphilitic. The wanton waste of semen caused at first dizziness, inner decay, pain, pimples, impotence, epilepsy, and for the incurable masturbator, death. For some reason, everyone decided to jump on the self-punishing bandwagon and soon even shaking your dick after a piss was frowned on.
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Masturbation was blamed for everything from small breasts to paralysis – and even the end of the human race. Dr. Reveille-Parise wrote in 1828, “Masturbation is one of the scourges which secretly attacks and destroys humanity. It is the destroyer of civilisations.” It was also thought to make you mad and depressed, after doctors noted all the patients in mental institutions compulsively wanked.
The creator of Cornflakes, Dr J H Kellogg, was particularly keen on stopping teens touching themselves, and he wrote many treatises on it. Soon over-anxious parents saw every sign of adolescence as pointing to this “fatal habit” and would take drastic measures. Children were put to bed wearing gloves, with their hands tied to the bedposts, and girls’ legs were strapped together in leather bands. Parents even applied a mild irritant to their kids’ dicks, so they were too tender to touch. Infibulation – piercing or sewing the foreskin over the penis so erection is impossible – was also recommended, as was circumcision, due to the unusual idea that removing the foreskin made masturbation less tempting. In extreme cases, girls were cauterised with hot pokers or even castrated (See: J H Marshall, “Insanity cured by castration”, Medical and Surgical Reporter, 1865).
The most common devices adopted were harnesses much like chastity belts – shameful metallic underpants that parents kept locked. For girls, it was often a simple metal nappy, with a tiny hole to piss through, or sometimes straitjacket-type underwear to sleep in. For boys, harnesses took the form of metal codpieces, strapped on with a leather belt around the waist and thighs. But some were more imaginative. Here is a quick list of some of the best:
1. The Stephenson Spermatic Truss, patented in 1876, squeezed the penis in a small pouch, which was then stretched and strapped down between the legs, making erections a painfully cramped possibility.
2. The Bowen Device was placed over the penis and attached by the pubic hair, which would be plucked out if there was a rush of blood down below.
3. In 1848, Dr John Moodie invented a device which restricted blood flow to the penis, apparently discouraging erections
4. The penis cooler, invented in 1893 by Frank Orth, was worn at night and, through a system of levers, poured cold water over the genitals at the first hint of morning glory.
5. In 1873, a teacher from Belgium even invented a school bench to “prevent schoolboys from crossing or closing their legs… thus both the rubbing and heating of the genital parts are avoided”, which was meant to stop the mass murder of their sacred semen.
6. After the development of batteries, appliances emerged that gave electric shocks with every erection, training your penis like Pavlov’s dogs.
In the US Patent Office records, there are over 30 patents for devices to prevent masturbation dating between 1856 and 1932. Luckily, around 1930 the medical profession disproved the theory and all us wankers were saved.
Post script: Ironically, the biggest market for anti-masturbation devices is now the raving perverts who like to torture themselves. This includes tools such as the Gates of Hell Cock and Ball Torture Plug, which you can pick up for a meager £93.35.
