Sex Is Good. It’s an editorial stance that we at Noisey have stuck to for a while now and we sure as Heck aren’t budging anytime soon. Sex? Good stuff. Doing it? We’re about that.
But what of music’s relationship to sexual intercourse? Between our unpaid internships, mounting student debt, ambivalence towards presidential candidates, and universal lust for trigger warnings, we millenials appear to have forgotten music’s role in the mating process. It’s a sorry state of affairs, worlds away from our MySpace youths spent selecting just the right song for our profile pages.
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Thankfully, all that changed today with the announcement of a partnership between Tinder and Spotify:
Starting today, we’re helping to fully integrate music into the swiping experience. Tinder already suggests matches based on your swiping preferences, mutual friends and common interests, but now you can broadcast your personal Anthem from your Tinder profile, display and listen to your top artists from Spotify and swipe to see who shares your taste in music. We’re helping provide a completely new sensory experience on Tinder. Get ready for some serious sound.
Hear that? Integrate! Swipe! Anthem! You’re no longer defined merely by your cheekbones or that inexplicably stupid picture you took with a forcibly doped-up tiger that one time you went to Southeast Asia before college. No, now people can judge you based on your taste.
It’s a lot of pressure though, selecting just one anthem from the tens, maybe even hundreds of anthems that exist in the world. Which anthem will draw potential sexual partners to you, despite your indiscernible cheekbones? Which anthem will produce a wry smile in a potential partner, causing them to swipe right when otherwise your profile picture would have been thrown into the binary scrapheap of rejects? In short, which anthem is the most likely to get you laid?
We, your Noisey staff, feel that it’s our responsibility to help you with this. Below are some suggestions. Happy integrating!
Khia – “My Neck, My Back”
We millenials like clear, simple instructions. No time for innuendo. Internships await.
Lady – “Yankin”
Clear, simple instructions.
Blink 182 – “Anthem”
Imagine Tinder suggesting that you choose an Anthem and you picking a song called “Anthem.” Potential partners will find your eye for ironic subversion irresistable.
Suffocation – “Entrails of You”
Sex is death.
Lil Boosie – “I Want Sex”
Explains itself.
Deftones – “Change (In The House of Flies)”
Apparently people have sex to this.
Dead Kennedys – “Too Drunk to Fuck”
Are you though?
Ramriddlz – “Run Top”
This is what Canadians have sex to. Other cultures are so interesting!
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