I like clichés to say in jokes, but I hate people who think they are instructive. Those people are stupid. I set out to prove it by following the clichés to the letter. Watch this…
DON’T LET THE CAT OUT OF THE BAG
Where does this come from? Taking a bag of kittens to the river to drown them because you don’t have room at your house? OK, but what’s that got to do with secrets? And why would you ever leave a cat inside a bag? It’s cruel. What is the cat going to eat? How will it go to the bathroom? What is it supposed to drink? It’s also boring. Cats in bags just hang there. They don’t purr. They don’t even put up a fight unless you poke them. But when you let them out, it’s adorable. See? It just kind of walks out and smells the ground and then looks at you like, “What?”
A WATCHED POT NEVER BOILS
Wrong. For a few minutes, the water is still. Nothing seems to be happening. Then there are little bubbles on the sides and bottom of the pot. Imagine a Sprite bottle. Don’t get overexcited; there’s still a ways to go. About two minutes later, the bubbles increase in size. They get fatter. This is when you might think, “Holy moly, is it already boiling?” No, dummy, not even close. Keep watching. For the next six minutes there will be more and more bubbles on the pot’s side, but still no boiling. Keep watching. Right before the water boils, the bottom of the kettle will change color a little, and other things will happen probably, but I don’t know. I was wondering about outfits at this point (my eyes were on the water, so it still counts). And then the water boiled.
LIKE THROWING A HOTDOG DOWN A HALLWAY
Now I know what it is like to fuck an old woman with huge flaps if you are a man. It takes a lot of practice and you have to get the angle just right. It is sort of embarrassing and drawn out. But is it worth it? Come on, totally. When the hotdog hits the photographer in the face? Or when it’s covered in dust? That stuff is priceless.
DON’T PUT ALL YOUR EGGS IN ONE BASKET
This cliché was written by farmers. I know that because I went to college near a couple of farms. This cliché also happens to be true, which was surprising. You should not put all your eggs into one basket. If you drop the basket, you will lose all of your eggs. Be a smart chicken and put your eggs into a couple of different places (it doesn’t have to be baskets). That way, if something goes wrong—like, let’s say you knock the basket over—you only lose four eggs and then you have some other ones over there in the sock drawer.
I guess I don’t hate clichés after all.
AMIE BARRODALE
ClichÉs Are Hateful Lies
Photos by Susan Preston
