A slide in America flaunts its curves (Photo via bcrumpler)
A man from Coventry has been banned from any places that may have a slide in them – playgrounds, soft-surface jungle gyms, those grim fairgrounds brought to your town each year by ratty men in bodywarmers, sucking the scum of cowboy roll-ups into their thin, boneless bodies – because the police found him having sex with a slide once.
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I mean! Can a man not have sex with a slide, once! Can a man – Christopher Johnson, the man, 46, from Coventry – can a man not simulate sex with a slide without being arrested for indecent acts in a park at night by the police! Can a man not also have a previous conviction for a similar offence dating back to July last year, when he undressed and “performed a sex act” on top of another, separate, but equally sexy slide? Well: no, he cannot. Being sexy in playgrounds is generally frowned upon and seen as bad.
But we live in a country now where the Prime Minister – maybe, possibly, allegedly – put his flaccid undergraduate penis in the mouth of a dead pig. So why can’t a man from Coventry fuck a slide?
We live in a world where a woman ended her 20-year relationship with the Berlin Wall to marry the Eiffel Tower, and we view her as a sort of novelty fetishist, a sort of harmless iron frotter. And yet a man from Coventry may not become aroused by a slide! Is it because we are so enamoured with the idea of romantic love that marrying a 1,063-foot lattice tower is seen as OK, but having a seedy little one-night stand on top of a slide is not? Would it be OK if Christopher Johnson had proposed to the slide first, and simulated sex atop it gently in a honeymoon suite in a four-star Barbadian hotel? Are we slut-shaming the world’s slide fuckers?
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Again: no. Just to clarify: no, don’t fuck slides. It’s a literal sex offence. Johnson was handed a Criminal Behaviour Order yesterday banning him from playgrounds, swimming baths, recreation grounds and leisure centres for the next three years, as well as a £55 fine (surprisingly low, for fucking a slide), £60 victim surcharge (not for me to question the lash and the law but: how does an inanimate slide claim victim remuneration? What can a slide buy with £60?) and £265 costs and charges, as well as having to undergo an 18-month sex offender treatment programme. So, to recap: don’t fuck slides. But still: it’s one rule for a braying future prime minister allegedly putting his dick in a pig, or a former Olympian in love with a 128-year-old Parisian tourist attraction, quite another for a simple Coventry man fucking a slide.
Class war now.
More stuff like this:
Breaking Up With the Eiffel Tower – How Heartbreak Is No Less ‘Real’ for Objectum Sexuals
Is Britain Ruled by a Secret Pig Fucking Cabal?
It Doesn’t Matter if David Cameron Had Sex with a Dead Pig or Not
