Yesterday, TMZ posted the above video of Justin Bieber pissing into what appears to be one of those mop buckets that janitors use. He appears to be backstage somewhere, or perhaps in the kitchen of a restaurant. As is normally the case with watching famous people do anything that you don’t normally get to watch them do, this video is mesmerising. I have watched it at least ten times, and with every view I become more and more vexed. Here are all of the things it has made me consider:
—Are Justin Bieber’s drop-crotch pants so baggy because they’re full of secrets?
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—If not, why doesn’t he keep a pee-sack in them?
—Whose pinky is getting chopped off for this video leaking?
—Does Justin Bieber have an ecosystem of cool dudes around him who use him for his money and fame and in turn reaffirm his insecurities about growing up in the weird bubble of celebrity and not being able to make real friends?
—And are those friends in turn betraying Justin Bieber by taking a video of him pissing into a bucket?
—What’s up with the bodyguard whose job it is to stare at Justin Bieber’s penis, and why does he look like Pitbull?
—What is on Justin Bieber’s head?
—Who stole that guy’s beer?
—Who decided to name their crew “Wild Kidz?” Like, do they know about these guys?
—Would Justin Bieber’s friends cheer for anyone—not Justin Bieber, anyone at all—for pissing in a bucket?
—Why does Justin Bieber spray cleaning fluid on a picture of Bill Clinton and then yell, “Fuck Bill Clinton!”
The answer to most of these these questions, as always when dealing with matters concerning Justin Bieber, is “Drugs.”
Follow Drew on Twitter @drewmillard
