PIRATING DVDS WILL MAKE YOUR FRIENDS LEAVE YOU AND ALL OF THE EARTH TONES DRAIN OUT OF YOUR DECOR
This was the best they could come up with? You’re going to have to wait a little bit if you download a movie? How do they think people get DVDs? It’s not like they just materialise.
Videos by VICE
DEMI MOORE, ASHTON KUTCHER, AND HUMAN TRAFFICKING TEAM UP TO MAKE HILARIOUS VIRALS
Speaking of the phrase “this is the best they could come up with?”, what if I were to tell you that Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore had produced a series of ads to target the problem of child sex trafficking? You would think: “This is the best thing ever. This couldn’t possible be any better,” right? Well you’re WRONG. They only went and got all their celeb mates involved too. People like Justin Timberlake, Eva Longoria, Jessica Biel, Sean Penn, Drake and David Spade. And they made a fucking Tom Selleck joke too! I’m 99% sure that, in addition to being the most amazing things ever done ever, these videos will definitely put an end to global sex trafficking. Great job everyone, let’s finish up for the day and go eat Italian food!
AMERICA CONTINUES MISSION TO TURN EVERYTHING FROM THE INTERNET INTO A TV SHOW
Speaking of being totally wrong, have you ever thought to yourself: “flash mobs are the worst things ever. There is no way they could be any worse”? Well you’re wrong AGAIN! Above is a trailer for a new Fox show called Mobbed which actually contains the line: “Flash mobs: No one has ever captured their power… Until now!”
I wish it was my job to write slogans for TV shows. Can you imagine how much someone got paid to think that up? “It has to make sense” isn’t even a requirement. I would have gone with “Flash mobs: How the fuck are we going to make these into a TV show?”
LAS VEGAS TRANSFORMS INTO GARDEN OF EDEN AS SKYY® UNVEILS FIRST NATIONALLY AVAILABLE DRAGON FRUIT INFUSED VODKA
Speaking of writing bullshit things for a living, how awful would it be if your job was writing press releases? I got a painfully overwritten one earlier about the launch of something called “SKYY Infusions® Dragon Fruit”. It contains almost 1000 words. That’s 1/10th of a dissertation. You can read the whole thing here if you hate yourself, if not, here are some of my favourite lines from it:
– “slithering sirens entrancing the crowd and tempting them with delectable cocktails made from the forbidden fruit once treasured by Asian royalty”
– “inspired by exotic locales and sultry culinary trends”
– “the playfully seductive actress and comedian”
– “unveiled at an exclusive, sexy event”
– “inspired by the alluring, mysterious dragon fruit”
– “much like SKYY Infusions Dragon Fruit, Olivia is truly anything but ordinary”
– “Olivia is the funny girl next door, with a little edge, similar to how SKYY Infusions Dragon Fruit is exotic, yet approachable.”
– “as indulgent as it is stunning, the dragon fruit heralds from South America and Asia, but appears as if it has been grown and picked right out of a mythical world”
I bet whoever wrote that is about two more publisher rejection letters away from killing themselves.
