PRETENSION
Dear Vice,
So I was wondering why you guys haven’t done a story documenting, objectively, the Williamsburg youth culture, the homogenization of its music, its throwaway vices (har-har).
You could look back on it, as it nears its end (and it is—bands like Grizzly Bear and Animal Collective have reached such grandiose and widespread acclaim that they and the countless talentless imitators have made the scene unsustainable, it grows more and more impossible to ascertain the opportunists from their artistic dignitaries, and what was once meant to be kitschy and ironic is now exploited as mainstream fashion) and as the beginning of a truly postmodern world.
Hipsterdom as the regurgitation, the backwash, so to speak, of the 20th century, this time divorced from the passionate and the critical, this time with a regard more for the aesthetic, the practical. Obviously, this turn would be rather unpopular, considering your audience and reputation as a magazine, but wouldn’t you feel just a bit more dignified fanning the flames than stomping them out?
Yours truly,
BISON
PS: I’d do a write-up for you.
via email
Instead of replying to your letters this month, we are going to quote back to each person the parts of their letter that we would have zeroed in on had we bothered to reply. In other words, the words or phrases in which the writer truly reveals their awfulness.
For the above letter, it’s: “Williamsburg youth culture,” “throwaway vices (har-har),” “made the scene unsustainable,” “ascertain the opportunists from their artistic dignitaries,” “a truly postmodern world,” “the regurgitation, the backwash, so to speak,” and “PS: I’d do a write-up for you.”
PUSSY
Scusi,
What is the source of the redhead effectualizing her shit in the recent ad-bar of Vice up top?
Thank you.
GILFORD
via email
This one is easy—“effectualizing her shit.”
PENIS
Dear Vice,
My boyfriend recently walked in on me masturbating to one of your issues. Which issue? I don’t remember. I masturbate to them all. But this particular issue… this particular picture… was of a chubby Asian girl eating a piece of fried chicken while sitting on a dining-room table half-naked. My boyfriend didn’t see the picture. He just kind of pulled the whole “Oh, hey, didn’t see ya there” act. But since then he doesn’t want to have sex. I don’t know if it’s because he read and possibly masturbated to the same issue before and simply cannot accept the fact that his lover has the same Asians-eating-fried-foods fetish, or if he just does not want to have sex. Maybe he is cheating! OMG! I am going to go check his emails.
Thanks Vice! My boyfriend may not make me cum, but you do!
KYLE W.
Hollywood, CA
“My boyfriend may not make me cum, but you do!”
PUKE
Dear Vice,
I’m in a band called Flora Bastard, which my wife keeps telling me is a lame band name because it reminds her of margarine. We’ve changed our stupid band name so many times, I don’t think I’m up for it anymore. Can you offer some advice here? Is it lame? Are all band names lame anyway? Any suggestions for a better one? So many questions. Anyway, so that’s my letter. Longtime reader, first-time writer-inner.
All the best,
ALAN FROM THE LAMELY NAMED FLORA BASTARD
via email
“I’m in a band called Flora Bastard,” “Alan from the lamely named Flora Bastard.”
PUNK PEN PALS
Dear Sir:
Today I saw your magazine for the first time and I fell in love.
Sir, I am of the older generation but back in the 80s we were punks, now goths, and, my God, we didn’t have nothing back then like Vice.
I loved the articles and info and, hell, even the advertising.
I am a “hispano” male serving a four-year-and-six-month prison term (federal) in W. VA. (Dueling banjos in the background.) On the outside I work for a small Hispanic/bilingual newspaper, but I screwed up, selling fake IDs. Hell, I’m honest and up-front, I always have been.
There are two things I want to beg of you guys.
1) Please hook me up with a subscription, as I am indigent, I am afraid I cannot pay right now. Once I’m in the world again I will gladly pay you back.
2) If you can help me try and get a pen pal out there, I would appreciate it, anyone from anywhere. I am a 43-year-old Christian, but I am a firm “punk.” Sirs, thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
NARCISO SALA
Morgantown, WV
Actually, no jokes on this one. We’re giving the guy a subscription.
POETRY?
Dear Vice,
A Poem for Vice, Possibly the Most Inspirational Mag I’ve Ever Read
tic tac no,
and alignment aside,
waxy wheels that trail must be apart,
they divide the grains of sand
that are
already separated, polychrome,
and singe-clotted under a common sun,
they cling to her pentagon breast
and scarlet-scale lips,
that say fuck.
and through her deterioration,
she abandons condour,
realizing dreams and minutes that…
maybe happened,
her hot honey-slicked lust-colored
summers
ANNA-LEA SHIRLEY
via email
This one was easy too:
“Dear Vice,
A Poem for Vice, Possibly the Most Inspirational Mag I’ve Ever Read
tic tac no,
and alignment aside,
waxy wheels that trail must be apart,
they divide the grains of sand
that are
already separated, polychrome,
and singe-clotted under a common sun,
they cling to her pentagon breast
and scarlet-scale lips,
that say fuck.
and through her deterioration,
she abandons condour,
realizing dreams and minutes that…
maybe happened,
her hot honey-slicked lust-colored
summers”
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