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An epidemic is sweeping Canada as law enforcement abuse their powers like never before. In late November, the RCMP and police services have taken to posting terrible rap lyrics in order to warn drivers of dangerous winter road conditions. They have been shameless in their music selection, and riots are probable.
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Based on our research, Saskatchewan’s Kindersley RCMP started this brutal movement with an unapologetic Facebook post, which used Vanilla Ice lyrics to discuss driving tips. The town of Kindersley had likely only just discovered Vanilla Ice, which makes it all the more tragic that the RCMP immediately ruined it for them.
Next, inspired by the musical brutality, the police service in Edmonton, Alberta decided to wreck childhoods by remixing The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song. Sources suggest a VHS tape with a Fresh Prince episode has been circulating in Edmonton for the first time, and the cops are obviously sending a strong message: We hate thugs like Will Smith.
The rampage flared back up in Saskatchewan at the hands of Regina Police Service. They took “Uptown Funk” and disfigured it to the point where it resembled Bruno Mars’ nasal passages.
This deranged trend has no end in sight. Officers are praising each other online and probably trying out fist bumps for the first time ever, and people are scared. Noisey is for the people, and our primary job, other than delivering culture and style on a daily basis, is to question authority. We’ve remixed some of today’s best hip-hop lyrics to take back music from The Man.
Drake – “Energy”
I got enemies, lots of perceived enemies
Lot of disenfranchised youth tryna drain me of my energy
They tryna take my raise from a copper
So I fuck with kids for praise from my boss
Nicki Minaj – “Anaconda”
This cop named Michael used to ride motorcycles
Ego bigger than a tower, I ain’t talking about Eiffel’s
Real country-ass trooper, let me play with his rifle
Stopped a rookie meth lab, now the town gets high on NyQuil
Future – “Where Ya At”
Where your ass was at dog, when we tampered with evidence?
Where your ass was at dog, when we harassed media?
Where your ass was at dog, when we carded minors?
Where your ass was at dog? You made me pull this gun out
Migos – “Versace”
Versace Versace Versace Versace Versace Versace
Versace Versace Versace Versace Versace Versace
Confiscated Versace
Kanye West – “Power”
No one man should have all that power
The clock’s ticking, I just count the hours
Stop tripping, I’m tripping off the power
(21st-Century schizoid man)
The system broken, the school is closed, the prison’s open
We ain’t got nothing to lose, motherfucker we rolling
Huh? Motherfucker we rolling*
*No changes were required
Devin Pacholik is a writer from Canada who wants you to drive safely out there. Follow him on Twitter.
