This is an actual CV someone sent us when applying for a position here. I assume this is one of those “stunts” to “get yourself noticed” that people who work in marketing are always talking about, but there’s also part of me that thinks he might have just had enough of applying for jobs in a broken economy and finally snapped.
This is unedited by the way, so mentally add “(sic.)” in yourself as you read:
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My Resume
Nathan (last name redacted), xxxxxxx@gmail.com,
Car Washer
Went around neighbour’s houses offering to clean their cars badly for a fiver. I once had to work next to a Wasp’s nest and finished the job despite getting stung.
Cookie Seller
Sold home-made cookies at school. Got bored after the first batch.
Paper Boy
Delivered papers in all weathers. Often leaving them on the doorstep.
Presentation Designer
Designed some power point presentations for my dad’s company. The presentation was actually used in a meeting with The Big Breakfast. The deal never got off the ground though.
Columnist
Wrote a column in the summer holidays for Bucks Free Press entitled, ‘School’s Out’ where I reviewed summer holiday activities
Teenage Weed Dealer
Did this on and off for years. Finally stopping because I’d smoked so much I couldn’t be bothered to leave the house and meet people any more.
Door to Door Double Glazing Salesman
I did this for a few weeks. It was quite enjoyable but the company tricked me out of any wages I earned so I left.
Smiles Fish and Chips
Typical fish and chips restaurant. Was too stoned to keep track of orders so I was fired.
Waitrose
I got employed by Waitrose on my second attempt. The first time round I moaned about them telling to take my piercings out. Once employed the piercings reappeared.
Sainsburys
I wanted full time work from Waitrose but I rarely turned up on time so they refused. Sainsbury’s was more shoddily run than Waitrose in my town so I fitted in quite nicely there.
Telemarketing
For a double glazing company. They started running out of money so they fired all but 3 staff.
Medical Trial Participant
Had to take pro-biotics for 100 days and record whether I got ill or not. Made up must of my results.
Flyer distributor
Used it as an opportunity to flirt with girls.
Silver Service
For events at a conference centre. Was so hungry I ate food off other people’s plates.
Promoter
Was part of a crew who organized club nights. It was eventually taken over by a guy who I didn’t like so I eventually stopped going to meetings.
Insurance Salesman
Stood in a supermarket trying to get people to sign up to health insurance. Left after 2 days.
Mobile Phone Salesman
Sold mobile phone contracts to students. This went quite well until the manager was fired for fiddling the books, we all went down with him.
Kitchen Porter
3 days a week while I was a student. I was fired 4 times.
Researcher
For a City recruitment firm. Struggled with the ‘hardcore’ environment. Left after a junior got promoted ahead of me
Self Employed Recruitment Consultant
Set up my own recruitment company on the back of my resentment at the first company not working out. Actually won some good clients but could not find decent candidates.
GCSE Mentor
Basically, I convinced one girl not to get pregnant and another girl was so nice I ended up talking all about my problems with her. She was very understanding.
Subway
Sandwich artist. Left when I refused 2 weeks off to do my first piece of work as a PA.
Barman
Turned up late a few times and was fired.
Toff’s Fish and Chips
Cancelled a few shifts due to being hungover. Eventually fired.
Kitchen Porter
At a local pub. Walked out after an hour
PA
To executive coach. I worked from home with an expense account. Eventually made redundant.
Dance Project Assistant
Taught some Hip Hop workshops with local kids. Nice performance in the end.
Poetry Workshopper
Organized a ‘Poetry Slam’ for 10 year-olds. As far as I know, the only person to do so.
So, should we let him write for us? Let us know in the comments.
GLEN COCO
