Video still by Beagle. This is it: the absolute greatest “stoops” usage of all time. Neck Face has brought stoops to the pinnacle of its existence and now no one can use it anymore. It’s done.
hen the New York Times ran a whimsical article by a mom who was befuddled by her teenage daughter’s constant abbreviation of words, we got nervous. But when we saw New York magazine or some other shit rag like that (we forget which one, honestly) use the word “stoops” in their film reviews, we knew it was over. Then when we saw a Volkswagen commercial that called their new car the “V-Dub,” we knew it was over, nuked, burnt, ruined, and had AIDS.
Slang just isn’t cute anymore. It makes us feel like how we feel when our moms say “awesome.” Moms shouldn’t say “awesome.” Moms should say, “That’s nice, dear.” In fact, everyone should say, “That’s nice, dear.” It’s a pleasant thing to say and to hear. So take all your “gnarls” and your “probs” and lay them gently to rest next to “as if” and “NOT!” They are now part of slang history. PS: We are allowed to call a moratorium on these words and phrases because we broke them in the media. Either us or one of our friends started all this stoopsy, gnarlsy, in charge-y, totes-y shit. So, you’re welcome. And we’re sorry. Both, at the same time.
We are especially sick of abbreviations. You know what abbreviations are? LAZINESS. And laziness leads to forgetfulness, which leads to idiocy, and idiots are the only people who abbreviate words. It’s like a snake eating its own tail and then puking it up and eating the puke. Just learn how to spell “definitely.” It’s not that hard after the 20th time.
So, to be clear, here’s what’s out: whatevs, ’tevs, gnarls, defs, probs, stoops, totes. Adding “-wise,” “status,” “much?” or “in charge” to the ends of words. Calling things “tight.” Or “sick.” “Redonks” or “ridics.” Any variation of the word “delicious” and anything you ripped off from Epicly Later’d. We’re sad to say that “riffing” has to go too. Although let’s say something happens where a joke is passed on from friend to friend and you call it a “riffle effect”—that’s clever. Clever is good. We encourage creativity with language. Puns are still OK. Making up your own in-joke words with your friends is great—using other people’s is lame.
Here’s what’s still acceptable: Spelling words phonetically for comedy’s sake can be used in moderation. “Sowwie” is good because it conveys a cuteness that a simple “sorry” cannot. “Kewl” is enjoying a resurgence, and we’re OK with that. “Noice” is one that isn’t annoying yet (wait… NOW it is), and for some reason we think spelling words like we’re Scottish is hilarious. It cannae get old.
Acronyms like BTW and WTF are useful in writing but should never, ever be uttered aloud.
And finally, “douche chills” has become an indispensable phrase. We can’t let it go because there’s nothing else like it. What are you going to say instead, “Boy, that naked hula-hoop guy sure is… gross”? Just doesn’t have the same zing. So douche chills stays. But that’s it.
VICE STAFF
