Screenshot via YouTube / Image by Noisey
This article is part of 2005 Week on Noisey, where we revisit all the best and worst pop culture relics from a decade ago.
Videos by VICE
2005 was a year full of corny songs but also a year full of horny songs. It was a year in which, trapped anew in a Bush presidency, all we could do was bone—at least, according to the charts. For 2005 Week, it felt appropriate to slip into my silk pajamas, light some incense, and channel that college boy I once was so I could highlight a few of them for you. They are grouped for your pleasure. Join me won’t you? Pour yourself a cognac.
Continued below…
Unsexy Songs about Sex
There’s a school of thought that says subtlety is sexy, and perhaps this is why “My Humps” by The Black Eyed Peas takes the bang out of banger. The back and forth between Will.I.Am and Fergie (yeah that’s the image you want) is supposed to evoke playful and sexy foreplay talk, but any song that relies heavily on rhyming the words “humps” and “lovely lady lumps” is not gonna get the blood flowing. If you somehow ever managed to have sex to this (or any Black Eyed Peas song, for that matter) I don’t know whether I’m impressed with, or horrified by, you. Likely both!
“Collide” by Howie Day might not explicitly be a song about sex, but let me paraphrase the first music critic, Sigmund Freud, and say: Every song is about sex. Also consider lyrics like: “The dawn is breaking / A light shining through / You’re barely waking / And I’m tangled up in you / Yeah.”
Everyone knows the sexiest way to end a sentence is “yeah.” This song is OK, but acoustic guitar and general whininess do not a horny hit make. Yes, techically “Collide” was released in 2003, but somehow it charted in 2005, due at least in part to its prevalence on television shows such as Laguna Beach, Dawson’s Creek, Scrubs, One Tree Hill, Smallville, Lost, and Grey’s Anatomy. Still, not convinced many genitals were colliding to this one.
The Destiny’s (let’s make a) Child Category
Destiny’s Child had a pair of sexy hits in 2005 with “Cater 2 U” and “Soldier.” “Cater 2 U” felt a bit dated even then, with its promises of “slippers, dinner, dessert, and so much more,” but you’re lying if that “so much more” didn’t arouse your interest in endless possibilities. A tight melody and bouncy production also produce a rhythm you could actually… um… utilize.
“Soldier” will always be a sexy song in my book because it played on my youthful delusion that Beyoncé would consider dating me. I mean she pretty much described me (and definitely not Jay-Z) as her ideal mate: I’m a boy up top from the BK! I did rock a caesar with (poor) waves! I didn’t ride big on the freeway, but I did have a driver’s license! I also had the biggest crush on a country girl (who turned out to be from DC, but that absolutely qualifies as country to a college kid from Flatbush).
Also, the chorus features the lyrics “…and only carries big things if you know what I mean.” Yes, I know what you mean. We all know what you mean. Destiny’s Child was not on the subtlety wave mentioned above.
50 Cent Wants You To Know He Fucks
In 2005 50 Cent was still at the peak of his powers. He was rich, powerful, had a slew of hits, and even became a late-career record label boss to New York veterans like Mobb Deep and MOP. But 2005 was all about 50 letting you know that he was having more sex than you.
“Candy Shop” opens with 50 saying “yeah… uh-huh… so seductive” in case you were wondering whether this song was going to be about candy. It’s a hilariously horny song that rhymes “nympho” with “nympho,” calls back to 50’s “magic stick” and compares his genitals to M&Ms—all in the first verse. Olivia provided the sexual counterpoint on the hook, but this song’s main thrust was definitely “50 be fucking.”
“Disco Inferno” and “Just a Little Bit” were solid attempts at showing that viable stripclub jams could come from places beyond the south. The hooks are both, shall we say, “instructional” and listening to either evokes the imagery of their music videos.
I am curious about the bridge on “Just a Little Bit” where he says “…my mama gone you can spend the night.” Is 50 trying to be relatable here, or did he live with his mother in 2005? And if he lived with his mother, shouldn’t the house be big enough that her presence wouldn’t affect his sex life? Maybe he’s just incredibly respectful toward his mother? I always liked 50.
No-Pants Romance
More about how irresistibly drawn you can be to another person than about sex, T-Pain’s “I’m Sprung” is also just a gorgeous song. T-Pain is in the eternal struggle of head vs. head because he is completely and ruinously sprung on a woman who is no good for him. He has pushed away his friends, put aside his personal endeavors, and can think only of Her. Eventually T-Pain excises Her from his life and gets himself back on track… but then begins to feel lonely and on top of that, horny. Join the club pal. Relatable music is sexy.
On “Lovers and Friends” by Lil Jon and the East Side Boyz, Usher and a heavy sample of the original by Michael Sterling do the heavy lifting and thread the needle between romantic and raunchy so well. Yes, the song had to overcome Ludacris—who also laid the path for his future of going from horny to corny in 2005 with the hit “Pimpin’ All Over the World”—rapping about Rudy Huxtable and her boyfriend Bud and more notably, Lil Jon yelling about a romantic liaison in “the bathtub rub-a-dubbing.” But even Lil Jon includes some strangely tender bars expressing that he wants his friend to be sure before they take this next step in their relationship. The feelings of anxiety and anticipation really add to the atmosphere of sexiness in an unexpected but understandable way.
Also, Usher climaxes in the whistle register at the end.
The Almost Horniest Song of 2005
You might be surprised to learn that a song that features such directives as “finger fuck your pussy like you want some, girl” and “work that clit” was not the horniest song of 2005, but for “Play” by David Banner, there’s no shame in second place. While inserting heavy breathing between “mastur” and “bate” mid-verse was a stroke (LOL) of genius, and the hook is equal parts super vulgar and super catchy, the soft, breathy delivery and finger snap percussion really just reminds me of the Colossus of Coitus, the Sultan of Sexing, the One and True King of the Boner Jams,
“Wait (The Whisper Song)”
Kaine and D-Roc, better known as the Ying Yang Twins, created the unquestioned horniest song of 2005, and it’s not at all close. Where do we even begin? At the beginning of course:
“Hey how you doin lil mama? lemme whisper in your ear”
This appears to be a first meeting. Standing close enough to whisper in a woman’s ear (and then proceeding to do so) seems a bit much but OK.
“Tell you something that you might like to hear”
Sure, who doesn’t want to hear something they might like to hear?
“You got a sexy ass body and your ass look soft”
Here’s where things go left. In his defense he said she “might” like to hear what he has to say. It is a compliment of sorts…
“Mind if I touch it and see if it’s soft?”
Uhhhh….*frantically grasps at straws* at least he asked first?
“Naw I’m jus playing”
Phew. Close one.
“unless you say I can”
OK, well that’s not UN-reasonable.
“And I’m known to be a real nasty man”
Red flags seem to re-emerge at this point…
“And they say a closed mouth dont get fed
So I don’t mind asking for head
You heard what I said, we need to make our way to the bed
And you can start usin’ yo head”
And he’s [getting] off!
“You like to fuck, have yo legs open all in the butt
Do it up slapping ass cuz the sex gets rough
Switch the positions and ready to get down to business
So you can see what you’ve been missing
You might had some but you never had none like this
Just wait til you see my dick.”
So this seems to be quite the hard sell, but closing with “hey, if you’re not interested in any of this, have you considered you might be if you just take a gander at my penis?” is pretty incredible. And then to build an entire chorus around that offering? That “mind if I touch [your butt] and see if it’s soft?” is probably the least horny and most polite lyric in the entire song is also stunning. The word “bam” and the phrase “beat the pussy up” appear in the song a combined 31,342,348 times. The whisper flow seems employed to both to exude sex and to reflect the shame of singing these lyrics too loudly. In the fortunate moments where I would find myself against the walls of frat houses dancing with a woman to this song, we would do all manners of clothed sexy time maneuvers but never, not once, had I ever sung along too loudly, lest I offend my dance partner. At the same time, it was a song everyone seemed to regard with good humor. But while it was lewd to the point of complete silliness, I still felt like it might have undone my good Christian baptism. The kids on campus all joked about how insane the lyrics were, singing along somewhat ironically, but I also privately wondered, ‘what if she wants me to beat the pussy up and I can’t hack it? WHAT THEN?’ Shame and titillation being the dominant themes of my college experience, I fucked with this song heavily, but never to it.
2005, baby: What a time to be alive and trying to fuck.
Yung Costanza has almost certainly had sex before and may do so again one day. Follow him on Twitter.
