Every so often, we here at Noisey do a very stupid thing and open the floodgates on Twitter, letting any ol’ rando on the internet submit literally anything for us to review. This has netted us some truly awful submissions in the past and honestly we hate doing this series. It is like walking across hot coals except we don’t even look cool doing it. We’ve neglected it for a while but we’re bringing it back because we’ve all hit a dry spell, sexually, and thought it would feel good to let our pent-up aggression out on some of your crappy submissions. This edition’s sexually frustrated Noisey participants are Annalise Domenighini, Dan Ozzi, and our newest staff writer, Lawrence Burney. Oh fuck let’s do this…
Annalise: This cat is good. 10/10 cat.
Lawrence: Legs too skinny. I like some jiggle on there.
Dan: The eyes say “let’s do lunch,” but the boots say “you’re paying.” (Simpsons quotes are the only thing that will get me through this hell.)
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Dan: He looks like he is very good at Cyber. Good photo of Stu. Big League!
Annalise: Might want to start investing in some Photoshop lessons, this is no way to make a living, man!
Lawrence: A definite Nah.
This font.
Annalise: Personally, I consider myself to be a bit of a “font snob.” I love a good font. Caviar Dreams is a beautiful font. Reminiscent of Helvetica and its step-brother Ariel, but it has a certain personality when it comes to it’s “bold” and “italics” format. If I were the type to open a hip coffee shop in an over-gentrified neighborhood, I would definitely use this font.
Lawrence: I did watch a documentary about fonts with my girlfriend once but I don’t remember what it said. I just know it was a bunch of Swedish people talking like they knew what they were talking about. I do know that the fonts in the documentary were much more striking than this. “Striking” is something a font critic would say when reviewing fonts so I’mma do the same. Striking.
Dan: Yo, dawg. Turning the “e” sideways? That’s the laziest trick in the font book, my dude. Looking like if Helvetica got dropped on the floor and the store wouldn’t take it back because Sheila at customer service didn’t take her 15. Jank ass reshop font.
Annalise: Shut up, Dan.
Dan:
This Instagram account
Annalise: Someone from Bushwick would start an Instagram for this.
Lawrence: The oranges in the Atlanta poster aren’t peeled so this account is fraudulent.
Annalise: Is this dog in… a…. Vagina? Rachel please come to my desk I need to talk to you about the way you treat pets.
Dan: Haha yeah I have definitely seen a vagina, and therefore know what they look like, and can agree with Annalise’s sentiment about the dog being in a vagina, which, again, I have very much seen.
Lawrence: Cool ears. Are y’all on the Moon?
Dan: Also, are you one of those people who makes an Instagram profile for your dog? Stop trying to make your pets internet famous. This is exploitation.
Lawrence: Right? I’m @roverthedog, follow my mom @dogowner. You not fooling us with tryna be clever about getting your followers up.
Lawrence: Dan: Annalise:
Dan: I’m not gonna review this arse until I’m SURE it’s Britney Spears’ arse. You think I got time to just be reviewing random arses willy nilly?
Annalise: Lol, you said willy.
Lawrence: That performance was such a mess.
Annalise: “Where the motherfucking drugs at” is a bold choice for an intro. Don’t cut yourself on all that edge.
Dan: When searching for a subject to cover on your rap song, you looked deep in your heart and came up with the wholly unique idea to rap about drugs. Kudos, breh. Might as well buy your Benz now because you’re GOING PLACES.
Lawrence: “I’m in the burbs with my crew.” Oh boy. Happy drug abuse makes me squirm. Just, no.
Dan: Lawrence: Annalise:
Dan: sips milkshake
This potato
Annalise: Channing Tatum looks different here.
Dan: This looks like the rando who jumps into your mentions to lecture you with a six-tweet response about why your joke about Star Wars was factually incorrect if you’d been paying attention to the graphic novels.
Annalise: Hey Devin I loved your piece on Canadian Rock but you probably need new glasses :)
Lawrence: You look like every mediocre white dude manager I’ve ever had in my life who has a weird ankle tattoo and is a die hard fan for the non-local football team but somehow finessed his way into a position of power at your local breakfast food chain.
Dan: Even though this question was, for some reason, directed specifically at me, I will defer to Annalise, who has spent her entire life analyzing the Shrek soundtrack.
Annalise: Which soundtrack? Because even a passing fan knows there are four Shrek films, with a fifth one on the way (fingers crossed for 2017). There are also two spinoff movies for Puss n Boots and several animated short films, and who can forget the television series AND television specials? Add the tragically short-lived musical and video games and honestly, I could write a book. I think I will.
Dan: Ohhhh shit, Annalise just schooled you, Alice the Punk. Better come correct on Shrek nostalgia.
Lawrence: Why would you ever listen to a Shrek soundtrack? It probably got those weird Eddie Murphy reggae songs on there.
Annalise: Lawrence shut your goddamn mouth.
Lawrence: Bet.
Lawrence: DS2 Dan: Annalise:
Dan: That whole Elephant Six collective would’ve been STOKED on this in 2004 and you could’ve gone on tour with Of Montreal and did a bunch of fancy drugs. Unfortunately, now it’s 2016 and you have to settle for playing open mic nights at the vegan cafe those dudes bought with their Outback Steakhouse money.
Lawrence: I had a phase in my life when I thought I was open minded because I found a Of Montreal album in a record store but that time is over and so is the chance of me possibly liking any music like this.
Annalise: For a real fast moment I thought the name of your band was “Today Shits,” which I think would be a much better name and way to describe this music.
Dan: APPLES AND PEARS ARE THE SAME FUCKING FRUIT. THIS IS A GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY TO DIVIDE THE POPULACE AND WE MUST UNITE ON THIS.
Lawrence: I’d put apples and pears in a pie or cobbler but Capri Sun is sure to not taste like either.
Annalise: Apples and pears are the worst fruits and Capri Sun should be sent to Guantanamo for making people pay hard-earned money, money they spent hours of time earning, just to drink the two fruits combined. This drink is a human rights violation.
Dan: I’m being serious when I say that this is not only the best entry, but a legitimately fantastic song.
Annalise: Have you ever really listened to this song’s lyrics? It’s the Odyssey for booty. The guy just loves the booty but he can never get to the booty. He pines for the booty. He loses friends, loved ones, confidants, because of this booty. Booty kills.
Lawrence: Lol I’m not mad at this song at all. Soft booties, I can vouch for that. Sour booties…I’m good on those.
