Barack tells his bros where he shoved Cameron’s USB stick
Yesterday it was revealed that David Cameron gave the other G8 leaders a USB stick of 10 tracks which he thought represented the best of British music. Unsurprisingly, it was a dull, lethargic list of pop-folk pash that, to be fair, is fairly representative of how sanitised the British music industry has become in recent years. No doubt the fact that nothing actually got sorted at that meeting of the G8 had something to do with the world’s leaders being cowed into stasis by the beige mouth farts of Ben Howard and Tom Odell (oh shit, his daddy’s probably going to phone us up now).
(As an aside, the fact that Cameron’s list was so similar to the Mecury Prize nominations, surely proves how establishment and unnecessary that award ceremony has become. Started as an alternative to the mainstream, it’s now more middle of the road than Lindsay Lohan after a heavy morning’s drinking.)
Anyway, we thought we’d put together our own list of brilliant new British music that would have gone down a storm at the G8 conference. These 10 songs prove what rude health British music is in. If only Putin had them on his iPod.
Lil Silva – “No Doubt”
Although it seems unlikely our PM could tell the difference between a four-to-the-floor rhythm and the banging fists of wronged single mothers on the Downing Street front door, Lil Silva remains an infectious intro to the current UK underground. In fact Silva’s latest single “No Doubt” is just about everything right with our country. This is the track most likely to get Chancellor Merkel batty-wining on President Hollande.
King Krule – “Easy Easy”
There’s a line in this about workfolk shopping problems which is the closest these lot will ever get to understanding day-to-day poverty. “Yeah, I’ve been off for a week / And Tesco’s stealing my money”.
Sampha – “Without”
Sampha has easily the most persuasive tone of any man in Britain today. Cameron sounds like a pipsqueak at the best of times but next to Sampha’s broad bassy vocals he doesn’t stand a chance. Hopefully the chorus of “Without” and it’s refrain of “we don’t have to go without,” would remain with the leaders longer than Cameron’s squeal of “let’s fuck those scrounging Northerners”.
Lapalux – “Without You”
Tories know a thing or two about shadowy creations, so it makes sense they’d enjoy a bit of the Brainfeeder roster while they shut down all our local resources. “Without You” is part of the Nightmare On Elm Street approach that Lapalux has been taking since emerging as the dark child of UK electronica. Maybe the G8 contingent need it to scare them into paying benefits to people that don’t have all their limbs or organs.
TNGHT – “Acrylics”
The thought of Bawhacky Obacky and his mandem shacking out to music from a Scottish mad professor and his Commonwealth cousin feels great. “Acrylics” is some amped up decadent rave from the biggest thing to come out of Scotland since childhood obesity. Bet Hud Mo would have gone in hard at a Salmon supper in Gleneagles.
SOPHIE – “Bipp”
The beauty of BIPP is that it’s so unsatisfying. Over three minutes it builds and swells but never EVER breaks a sweat. I spent the first five times listening to it thinking that I’d missed some guns blazing drop, but it just never happens, it strays from expectation yet maintains attention throughout. Basically François Hollande could learn a thing or two from Sophie when he spunks away France’s economic recovery in the first minute of his speech and then bangs on about agriculture for half an hour.
Syron – “Here”
Syron has been guest vocalist for Tensnake and Rudimental (who we see you’re a fan of Dave), but shines brightest on her solo stuff. “Here” is a track that should have charted highly but, because we live in a country full of morons that keep buying shit Rita Ora songs seemingly unable to comprehend that someone can be both fit and terrible at music, didn’t. Soaring vocals and production that’s a healthy blend of garage and bass, this, not schoolboy fucktards like Conor Maynard, is what great pop music should sound like.
Marika Hackman – “Retina Television”
Marika would be Dave’s favourite folk artist if only she stopped featuring twerkers in her music videos and singing about poetic murders on tunes like this.
Happa – “Freak”
Happa is only sixteen and still manages to outshine most aspiring producers by creating raw bass sounds that bring a primal energy to the dancefloor. His music is the best representation of the direction that British dance music is heading in. Poor Merkel has probably spent her whole life listening to monotonous Berlin techno, Happa could show her all the interesting things electronic music can be.
MKS – “Flatline”
This song is so bitches back down it should be Cameron’s entrance song every time he walks into a room. If MKS aren’t a sign that broken Britain can rise from the ashes of shit band reunions and fee increases, then I don’t know what the fuck is. Seriously. This song is like the part of any chick flick where the ratchet older woman gets a really convincing but subtle facelift and struts back into her office/broken relationship and wows both her enemies and we the audience. It’s what dreams are made of and is what the G8 summit should be listening to as they’re trying to fix the world. Preach.
