The law exists, celebrities break it, and a money-grabbing white collar will sell their deposition video to TMZ for almost enough money to convince themselves that they’re not an entirely terrible person. Everyone will clamour to ride this merry-go-round like a five-year old at the fairground who has just learnt to gossip, and then we wait until someone else gets arrested and start all over. Since this morning, the ride has claimed another victim – Justin Bieber.
Bieber, of course, is not the first celebrity that has witnessed their deposition set free into the wilderness. Nicolas Cage’s is reportedly being shopped around, Paris Jackson’s leaked last year, and Wesley Snipes has held it down for about a minute, but none of those compare to Lil Wayne. If it existed beyond my mind, then Weezy’s deposition video, released last year, would be Number One on the Billboard Deposition Chart. Here’s my favourite quote:
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Lil Wayne: “He can’t save you.”
Interviewer: “What does that mean?”
Lil Wayne: “I was talking to myself.”
I feel like Justin’s desposition was an attempt at toppling Lil Wayne from his 52nd consecutive week at the top of the Billboard Deposition Chart. If this is a competition and it is, because this is life, then who did it better?
Let’s take a look.
JUSTIN BIEBER’S DEPOSITION
Justin Bieber’s deposition video appeared online on March 10, 2014.
LIL WAYNE’S DEPOSITION
Lil Wayne’s deposition video appeared online in September, 2012.
ARROGANCE
In any confrontation with a civilian, it is important that the celebrity maintains their position atop a pedestal. This allows extra height for throwing change, keeps the Quavers-coated fingers of Primary School fans out of reach, and when in a lawful situation, allows them to act like a complete prick without getting in trouble.
Bieber cannot hide his contempt for the opposition’s lawyer, throwing out one-liners like he hocks phlegm on to teen girls. This is my first favourite…
Lawyer: “Would you please look at the film?” – referring to handheld footage of the incident.
Bieber: “This is a film? This is a film? You said it’s a film. You said watch the film. Is this a film?”
Like he expected to look up and see a playback of The Jungle Book 2, this is a great response. Next up, my second favourite…
Lawyer: “Have you ever disciplined [insert name]?”
Bieber: “Disciplined? What kind of question is that? Is he my son? Guess what… I don’t recall.”
Bieber almost wins on the arrogance front, but he can’t compare to Lil Wayne, a dude who has a different reference to pooping on at least 194 different songs. This is the Lil Wayne quote that won him the point.
Interviewer: “Did you perform at the Virgin Mobile Music Fest in 2008 with Kanye West?”
Lil Wayne: “I don’t know, but I know I did perform at this bad ass bitch birthday party recently. She was crazy, stupid thick.”
Lil Wayne: 1
Justin Bieber: 0
DRESS SENSE
Despite frequently being pictured on the way to the local frappuccino and free publicity store, celebrities have no excuse for looking like a pile of dog shit dressed in Fruit of the Loom. They get free clothes like normal people get flyers handed to them in town on a Friday night, and therefore should look amazing, all the time, everyday. Bieber is wearing something that looks like a jacket my sister bought off boohoo.com last Summer so…. Weezy wins again.
Lil Wayne: 2
Justin Bieber: 0
BEING DISRESPECTUL
If you’re famous there is literally no point whatsoever in maintaining any kind of respect toward authority because duh, you’re famous. Ain’t nobody got time for that shit except for the fans that literally pay respect each day using their VISA card. Lil Wayne drops a few great bars in his interview, like…
Interviewer: “Is that an interview that you actually gave with Katie Couric?” [referring to a video played on a TV showing Lil Wayne being interviewed by Katie Couric]
Lil Wayne: “Is that an interview that I actually gave with Katie Couric? What’s your name? Pete Ross? That’s a stupid ass question.”
And…
Interviewer: “Isn’t it something that you would remember if your album, Tha Carter 3, was the biggest selling album of the year in 2008?”
Lil Wayne: “Isn’t it something that I would remember that? Isn’t that a personal opinion type question? I would be actually answering the question to isn’t it something? That’s my question? Isn’t it something? Yeah, it’s something out of your ass.”
Both are tip-top responses, disrespectful, but also, maybe, deserved. It’s Bieber who wins the point for being disrespectful, though. I mean, look at that face…
Lil Wayne: 2
Justin Bieber: 1
GIVING THE BEST QUOTE
“I was detrimental to my own career” – Justin Bieber.
Lil Wayne: 2
Justin Bieber: 2
MEME-CENTRIC QUALITIES
A while after Lil Wayne’s video dropped as a world exclusive on TMZ.com, some people rush-released their own cover-versions, sort of like the “Drunk in Love” remixes.
But if the blanket coverage of Bieber’s last arrest is anything to go by, an event that had people changing their profile pictures and news media eschewing values, then this will stand the test-of-time and keep Tumblr in ham-fisted “You mean you’ve lost the plane? *Bieber face*” gifs for the next week or so.
Lil Wayne: 2
Justin Bieber: 3
SO…. WHO WINS?
It’s a close call, both artists put in a strong performance, both at the top of their game. Weezy’s is the original, and for that, it will always remain a cult classic, remaining for generations to fawn over and learn from. You can’t top a bestseller. Unfortunately, in the land of my mind (and in the rules of the charts), there are not enough categories to ensure that Lil Wayne is the winner but, because he once wrote the line – “don’t fuck with Wayne because when it Wayne’s it pours” – I am awarding him an extra point. This is how democracy works.
There is no winner.
It is a draw.
Follow Ryan on Twitter: @RyanBassil
