Image by Frances Smith
Earlier this week, two presumed bros—Justin Bieber and Post Malone—found their way into a club in Houston. While they were in the club, one bro (Post Malone) started to play his smash hit “White Iverson” from behind the DJ booth. In the midst of this well-known banger, the other bro (Justin Bieber) apparently put a cigarette out on the first bro’s (Post Malone) arm. This obviously goes against bro code, so the burned bro (Post Malone), various tabloids report, decided to retaliate and choke the burner bro (Justin Bieber). You can watch a video of the burning here thanks to TMZ. And then here’s a picture of the choking that we can’t publish because we’ll probably get sued.
Videos by VICE
Anyway, bro, what happened?
One bro (Post Malone) tweeted that they were just playing around, insisting that it was a joke.
But, like, come on. We’re not sure if we buy this. Did you see the way Bieber looked at him while Post threatened to crush his vocal cords and ruin his future with one squeeze? Bro, it was serious. Seriously, not cool, bro. We have some theories:
• A weird sex thing.
• Tattoos are over, cigarette burns are in.
• Bieber misunderstood when someone yelled out “it’s lit!”
• He was moved by the performance to commit arson, and the first thing he saw to burn was Post Malone’s arm.
• Post Malone saw the premiere of Game of Thrones already because Malone has a friend that works at HBO and spoiled something about the Starks or some shit for Bieber.
• Bieber is convinced he knows how to play basketball.
• Post Malone convinced Bieber to get dreadlocks.
• Post Malone wouldn’t stop inviting Bieber to play Candy Crush on Facebook.
• Post Malone looks exactly like an ashtray Justin Bieber has at home.
• Bieber’s a firm believer in practice and hates Allen Iverson.
• Bieber is still a literal child and thought it was a candy cigarette.
• Post Malone kept refusing to trade his rare, holographic Pokemon cards.
• Bieber just assumed there were enough layers of dirt on Post Malone’s skin to protect him.
• When Post said he’d give him a fade, Bieber thought he was talking about the song
• Canadian friendship ritual.
• It’s actually a weird clause in Justin Bieber’s tour rider that he’s allowed to do this to anyone.
• Bieber saw someone do it in a movie and it looked cool.
• Post Malone wasn’t sure where he fell in the Hentai/pornography debate but after seeing Bieber draw this provocative image of what looks like a Final Fantasy X-look character, enough was enough. This isn’t art.
• In Canada, cigarettes have a safety on them.
• It was the setup to a “more like TOAST Malone” joke.
• Bieber thought it was an eCig.
• Bieber was mad because they couldn’t agree on which version of “Wolves” was the best.
• Post Malone said that Dunkin Donuts was better than Tim Horton’s.
• Bieber loves the smell of burning flesh…
• Bieber’s getting paid by the Truth campaign to expose the true dangers of cigarettes.
• He saw an open wound on Post Malone’s arm and was trying to cauterize it.
• Post Malone said he prefers Parquet Courts’ earlier material.
• Post Malone told Bieber that Kylo Ren kills Han Solo, who is his father, at the end of the new Star Wars movie.
• Bieber didn’t tell Post what Drake’s private Snapchat account was.
• In a drunken rage, Post thought “Too Young” and “Baby” sounded too similar.
• Bieber found out that Post Malone thought Shawn Mendes was more talented.
• Post Malone made fun of Bieber’s coloring skills.
• The two share a hotel room on the tour and Post Malone snores like a motherfucker.
• Post Malone asked Bieber to do a Facebook Live video.
• Bieber is just kind of a dick.
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