One of the great things about the hottest club in any town these days is that gay people are welcome. But with acceptance comes responsibility, and over the years homosexual partiers, like a bunch of hard-drinking Emily Posts, have had to learn the ins-and-outs of how to behave in a mostly-straight environment without pissing anyone off. It’s a straight man’s world, we’re just livin’ in it.
Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for straight people when attending a gay watering hole with their same-sex-loving friends. We love having straight people hang out with us, we really do, but I’m going to break down the rules for the breeders who forget how to behave when there is a rainbow flag on the wall. For our purposes we’ll be talking about gay male bars, since lesbian bars, like pandas in the wild and good female acoustic folk acts, are harder and harder to find these days.
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Your Vagina Has No Power Here
This is the most important lesson for all ladies to know before they step foot in a queer establishment (unless, of course, it is the fabled lesbian bar). Women are used to being let into clubs first, not having to pay a cover, served at the bar quickly, and basically allowed to do whatever the hell they want to do in straight bars. That’s because if there were no women, men wouldn’t spend money to get them fucked up and try to sleep with them. Everyone is catering to open the velvet ropes between a woman’s thighs. It is exactly the opposite in a gay bar. Women, while fun to have around, are practically invisible at a gay party. They have to wait for the one tiny restroom (which has probably been co-opted by boys and drag queens anyway), they don’t get to annoy the DJ to request songs, and the (probably shirtless) bartender is going to take their order last. Congrats, ladies, this is how men feel in straight bars. Now, you need to get used to it, no throwing fits and bitching and moaning because no one is going to put you on a pedestal (or let you dance on a go-go platform). Just deal with it for one night. You’re still pretty and special, even though no one is buying you a drink and inviting you to the VIP room. No one wants to fuck you here, so you’re going to need to get the fuck over yourselves.
Lowering the Bar
Remember when I said we love it when straight people come to our bars? Well, that’s not always true. There are some bars we don’t want you to go to. They are usually bars where boys go late at night to make out with strangers and engage in a little slap and tickle in a dark corner. Do not go there. No matter what your friends say, there is no place for you at the Cock, or any establishment that is named after the male genitalia or something incredibly masculine like Rawhide, Truck, or Woody’s. Boys who like boys are going there to get laid, and babysitting straight people is not conducive to scoring dick. When your friends show up there, it’s time to go get a piece of pizza and hail a cab home. Also, leave anyplace called The Eagle alone, unless you really want to see a bunch of bears in harnesses and other leather gear giving you the stank eye while grinding each other’s jock straps.
No One Likes a Cockblocker
Keeping your “gay BFF” (please, never utter that phrase) from getting laid is the cardinal sin, even if you are at an otherwise mixed and tame lounge, dance club, or dive bar. If anything you are there to be his wingman. The problem is, no one there wants to have sex with you. That’s why it’s better to go to a gay bar with a gaggle (the scientific term for a group of gays), so if one of the boys is about to get lucky, you can shift your attention. Don’t be the drag keeping a love connection from happening because you need someone to dance with you to the Robyn song on the jukebox. If you see young love blossoming, get out of the damn way, or excuse yourself to make your own booty call. Then everyone’s getting theirs.
No Girls Allowed
Ladies, we don’t mind going to your bachelorette parties, because we love and support you as friends even if we find it a little insulting (and genitally incorrect) that you keep calling us “one of the girls.” However, if we don’t know you, we have no interest in being at your party. That means keep them out of gay bars. We know you want to look at strippers, but you have to find somewhere for women to do it. Go to Chippendales or Thunder from Down Under or some strip night called Danglers that’s meant just for you ladies. Do not show up at a gay go-go bar and screech and squeal and push all the other patrons out of the way so you can drunkenly slip a $20 in a tiny sliver of spandex stuck up a plump, oiled backside. To you it might be one night of misbehaving, but this is our life. Please respect that, and take your high-decibel revelry somewhere that will cater to your “big day.”
Hands Off
OK, ladies, we will make a deal with you. We won’t touch your boobs if you don’t touch our cocks. Is that fair? We know you find it thrilling that your lady parts mean nothing to us and that you can touch our magic sticks without making them stand on end, but that does not mean there should be any inappropriate groping. We don’t want anyone in public handling our junk unless they were invited, so please watch your hands. In return, we will try to resist touching your knockers. It’s hard for gay men to leave titties alone, because they are foreign and quite enjoyable (they don’t call them funbags for nothing) but we’ll keep our grubby mitts off of them unless told otherwise. That doesn’t mean you should force our hands onto them though. Yours might not be the kind of pair that we’re into.
This One Is For the Gentlemen
OK, straight guys, just because you’re in a gay bar does not mean you like to take a cock in the ass. That means you can stop clutching your girlfriend like she’s some sort of heterosexual life preserver to keep you from drowning in a sea of receptive anal intercourse. You don’t need to hold her hand and make out with her and go out of your way to announce your orientation. We already know you’re straight. Those shoes you wore on your way in told us, you don’t need to keep repeating yourself. It’s a bit insulting. And keep the PDA light. If we wanted to watch straight people make out, we’d go just about anywhere else in the whole damn universe.
When in Rome, Go Greek
Just because the gays at the bar know a guy is straight doesn’t mean he won’t get hit on. In fact, it probably increases his likelihood of dudes wanting to chat him up. Know how straight guys like girl-on-girl action? Gays feel the same way about straight guys, so they’re going to want to try to “turn” you. (Unless you’re ugly. Then you’re totally safe.) Just let the poor deluded soul hitting on you down nicely without being insulting. Either that or flirt your way into a few free drinks. Just because you’re not interested doesn’t mean you can’t take him for everything he’s worth. At least one girl has done that to you before, right? If your new paramour continues to pressure you or gets too handsy, don’t punch him in the grill. The room will turn on you and call you a gay basher faster than you can say Laramie, Wyoming. Instead just throw a drink on him like it’s an episode of Dynasty. Not only will that solve your problem, you’ll probably make a bunch of new friends.
No Fucking Cosmos
Seriously, it’s not 1997 and you are not Carrie Bradshaw. Put down the fucking appletini and order a beer or a vodka tonic like everyone else.
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