Tiny Stalkers
Just outside your peripheral vision since the moment you were born, a 15% smaller version of yourself has been following you. Its job is to improve your cognitive functions while staying hidden. Your body’s relationship to Smaller You is similar to its symbiotic relationship with intestinal bacteria, except Smaller You feeds on thoughts instead of tacos. When you see something out of the corner of your eye and look and no one is there, you’re actually seeing your Smaller You malfunction, and as a consequence, Bigger You will forget something important. Misheard text-message noises are actual texts from Smaller You. Big Foot is actually Hitler’s Smaller Hitler who became so out of control he abandoned him and ran into the woods.
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Who Wrote Ulysses
Ulysses is approximately 270,000 words of content generated by a spambot from the year 6018. Due to a programming error, it was accidentally transmitted to what could best be explained as a “local area network,” but what James Joyce identified as “something rectangular under my bed” in 1919.
That Creepy Thing about David Lynch Movies
Sometimes David Lynch tells actors their character’s sole motivation in a scene is to “Try not to think about me asking you to ‘pull my finger.’”
Sleep Is an Inside Job
I don’t know what makes me want to sleep but I don’t think it’s me.
The Real Titanic Mystery
The first draft of Titanic’s screenplay was 653 pages of the word “pudding.” There were no characters or scenes. It was supposedly written and forgotten in the mid-1980’s.
On July 20, 1986, bothered to the point of sleeplessness by thoughts about the recent critical failure of Rambo First Blood Part II, James Cameron used a #2 pencil to draw the sinking Titanic, though his ship’s side read “S.S. Cameron.” Cameron claims he “hated himself so much” for drawing something so predictably evocative of failure that he then completely blackened both sides of the paper and threw it away. He denies anything else of the incident.
Three nights later, the paper was found in Cameron’s garbage by an anonymous but likely “higher-up” member of the uncannily devout cult society of Rambo First Blood Part II fans, all six of whom had been sleeping in holes they’d dug in Cameron’s lawn. A cult member with a microscope deciphered a coded pattern in Cameron’s pencil marks. The paper was not black at all. It was composed of encoded names of every person who would become involved in the 1997 production of Titanic.
Following this chilling discovery, members of the Rambo First Blood Part II cult increased to 106, and unanimously agreed to simplify their cult’s name to Blood. From 1986-1997, Bloods committed themselves to the spiritual practice of finding addresses of every name on Cameron’s list and subtly placing Titanic-themed imagery in their daily lives.
Today, most Titanic cast and crew members express positive feelings about their involvement with the film, but have little to no recollection of ever being solicited by James Cameron. In a 1998 interview, Kate Winslet reports mysteriously finding the script in her backseat and says, “I thought ‘What rubbish, but it’s the Terminator guy, okay.’ When it came to the first on-set reading, the words just, I don’t know, poured out of me. I wasn’t adhering to the script at all, but Jim kept saying ‘Go on, go on, it’s great!’ That’s how it was for all of us. We were so involved in his vision.”
The only name from Cameron’s list that doesn’t appear in the Titantic credits is “Brad Shainley.”
Nothing Actually Makes Sense to Anyone but You
You are the only person who understands anything. What life feels like to other people is what you feel like when you start listening to an NPR show that’s been in progress for 45 minutes. You are reading and understanding this sentence out of a desire to want to understand things, not because things are understandable.
7-11 Is Irish
After a few minor adjustments, the 7-11 logo looks suspiciously similar to the Irish flag.
What Are Pigeons
Every time someone has an orgasm that doesn’t make someone else pregnant, one pigeon is generated. That’s why there are so many pigeons. That’s why pigeons walk like that.
The Universe is a Carbohydrate
According to my largely Wikipedia-based understanding of the Big Bang theory, 13.75 billion years ago everything in the universe was localized in an extremely dense, hot mass (made of “quark gluon-plasma”) that suddenly expanded and has been doing so ever since. A lot complicated things happened in the micro-milliseconds between the initial expansion and first second of universe. After the first second, nearly mass-less particles called neutrinos started differentiating themselves into protons, neutrons, electrons, and photons. Neutrino means “small neutral one” in Italian. Something like 65 billion neutrinos pass through every square centimeter of the Earth every second it faces the Sun. Neutrinos are everywhere but basically impossible to see because they lack an electrical charge.
When viewed through a device people are not yet sophisticated enough to invent, it will be revealed that neutrinos not only pass through carbohydrates more than any other substance, they almost exactly resemble bags of still-wrapped “Thomas’ Blueberry Bagel Thins Bagels made with Whole Grain.” Certain angles of light cause cravings for specific carbohydrates, but all cravings can be traced to bagels. You want them badly but after you eat them you just feel like you’ve gotten bigger and don’t want to do anything. Eating carbohydrates satisfies our unconscious urge to align ourselves with the universe’s tendency to expand into nothing. 300 billion years before the Big Bang that created our universe, another universe exactly like ours expanded into something resembling bagel dough, which would be described as “quark gluon-plasma” on a Wikipedia page 613.75 years later.
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