Listen, we’re not going to jerk your chain here. We know time is a valuable thing this time of year and the last thing you want to hear is a bunch of jagoffs cramming gift ideas down your throat. We get it. That’s why for this year’s holiday gift guide, we just took a bunch of stuff and crammed it into the shape of a Christmas tree. Simple. This way you can start at the top and work your way down, and if anything catches your fancy along the way, there’ll be a little description of it down yonder. You should be able to make it through the whole thing in about five minutes, which will leave you with the rest of the day to go buy that delicious Todd’s maple Syrup, or the Brandon Westgate Zoo York deck, or maybe even the Spiewak parka near the bottom of the tree there. Totally up to you. Happy holidays!
1.) Smirnoff Whipped and Fluffed vodka
It’s vodka that tastes like whipped cream and marshmallows! Enough said!
Smirnoff.com
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2.) Lamb and Flag scoop neck X T-shirt
T-shirts are easy. If you’ve waited this long to do your shopping, you might as well just grab something simple from Lamb & Flag, as they just so happen to make some of the softest t-shirts in the world.
LambandFlag.com
3.) Toddland 100 percent maple syrup
What sort of a freak wouldn’t want to find this in its stocking come Christmas morn? It’s delicious! Maple syrup is ideal for pancakes and waffles, but when you think about it, it is physically possible to put syrup on pretty much anything in the world. There is no reason you shouldn’t have at least a side of syrup with every meal.
Toddland.com
4.) Mutewatch
No one wears watches anymore. If you’re going to waste your time getting one Mute is your go to brand. They’re not as expensive as say a Rolex, but they’re so fucking complicated to use that whoever is on the receiving end will think you shelled out mad dough. You’ll probably get something great from them the following year.
Mutewatch.com
5.) Bed Stu ward oak belt
I still have my grandfather’s Boy Scout belt. It’s got eagles on it and is probably about 80 years old. It’s real nice. If you aren’t lucky enough to have my grandfather’s belt, this Bed Stu Ward belt is your next best bet.
Bedstu.com
6.) Descendants of Thieves button-up
Apparently the guy who makes these things is colorblind in one eye and he stays awake for like a week straight (or something) and starts to see really bright yellow everywhere when he hits his creative peak. That’s why most of his clothes have “blazing yellow” somewhere on them. Buy these for all your classy friends.
Descendants of Thieves.com
7.) Toddland Rollie cardigan
Cardigans are like being able to wear your favorite weird uncle who you only get to see around the holidays all year long. But not in an incestual or Leatherfacey sort of way. This one also has a mustache on the lapel which could be good or bad, depending on how you feel about mustaches these days.
Toddland.com
8.) O’neill Explore Jones insulator jacket
Kids these days are impossible to please. The only thing your little brother really wants is a bong and some weed for Christmas, but since you can’t have him unwrap that kind of stuff in front of your parents, you should buy him some multi-color streetwear-ish type hoodie shit so your parents don’t get suspicious when you show up without a gift for him.
Oneill.com
9.) Spy Optics goggles
If you happen to come from one of those weird families that actually like to “do” things together like “action sports,” you should consider purchasing a pair of goggles from Spy Optics. Preferably for your least favorite family member, because they’re so gigantic and bright it’ll make it easier for you to avoid being seen with them in public.
SpyOptics.com
10.) Pull-In underwear
It’s a total mom thing to give a guy underwear for Christmas. I never wanted to have children, but undies with squirrels ‘n’ nuts and neon cheeseburgers are kind of awesome, so maybe I’ll reconsider having my tubes tied.
Pull-in.com
11.) Toddland Santa underwear
These briefs are of the joke-y variety. Good for people with a sense of humor and/or Santa fetishes.
Toddland.com
12.) Puma Gillet Slim Hooded Vest
Did you know that the majority of your vital organs are located in your torso? It’s true! This means that keeping your tit-area and beer gut warm is pretty important. Fuck your arms.
Puma.com
13.) Spy Optics sunglasses
Sunglasses are a vital part to any wardrobe. It’s a popular misconception that sunglasses are only useful while having fun in the sun at the beach or while staring at solar eclipses. Sunglasses can be worn day or night. They are also socially acceptable in literally ANY situation.
SpyOptics.com
14.) Toddland Jeremiah buttondown
This shirt has a little sun embroidered on the front and a gigantic scene with log cabins and trees and rivers on the back. It’s great for hippies and hippie-sympathizers.
Toddland.com
15.) Ben Sherman cologne
This is the perfect stocking stuffer for the guy in your life who doesn’t like to smell like a warm fart. Apparently no men who fit that description work in this office, but we’re told they do exist.
BenSherman.com
16.) Jansport Skip Yowell Mukilteo bag and Hex Recon Sonic backpack
Getting a backpack for Christmas is great because you can put all of your stocking-stuffer type shit inside of it. It’s also an easy peasy sort of present because you don’t have to worry about sizes, and pretty much everyone likes bags.
Jansport.com
ShopHex.com
17.) Native Fitzsimmons boots
These red shoes are unbelievably warm and weather-resistant. Great for tromping around in the snow or rain.
NativeShoes.com
18.) Pull-in long-sleeve shirt
There’s not much to say about this one. If you like really colorful long-sleeve shirts you’ll probably like these things.
Pull-in.com
19.) Vivitar helmet cam
This videocamera is specifically for helmets, but don’t let that deter you from buying it. Everyone wants a teeny tiny camera they can sneak into their jackets or hide on a bookshelf and make porn with. There is not a person on Earth who does not want this.
Vivitar.com
20.) Marc Jacobs for Native boots
It’s a bummer when someone gets you a really expensive present and you can’t match it because you spent all your money on holiday drugs. That’s when designer collab items are a great idea—sure these boots say Marc Jacobs on them, but they only cost like $95, a quarter of what his regular shoes cost. No one will ever know…
MarcJacobs.com
21.) Toddland’s World’s Largest Gummy Worm
There is nothing we can say about this thing that hasn’t already been said by our friend Jason Crombie.
22.) Zoo York Brandon Westgate deck
You guys have seen this, right?
zooyork.com
23.) Spiewak Harris duffle
Jackets like this only come around once in a blue moon. It’s stylish for the style-conscious, warm for the warmth-conscious, and it has those cool wooden button up deals on the front that make you feel all old timey. It’s a win any way you slice it.
Spiewak.com
24.) Ben Sherman scarf
It gets cold in the winter so people need to wear scarves. So here is a scarf…
BenSherman.com
25.) Burton Joystick 2012 snowboard by Richard Kern
Hey look! It’s a snowboard by our pal Richard Kern! This is the sort of thing that you put in the middle of the tree on Christmas morning. It’s the centerpiece of the gift-giving ritual. You’ll want to litter a bunch of other little gifts around it, but those little gifts will mostly be there to make the centerpiece look better by comparison. Unless of course you’re a one-percenter, in which case a really nice snowboard is just another thing thrown underneath the tree. You rich bastard.
Burton.com
26.) Insight unitard
Few things say “I love you” like the gift of camel toe. With both mesh and animal print this unitard by Insight is basically hipster lingerie—the best present for a slutty sibling or girlfriend or tranny.
Insight51.com
27.) Toddland Visitors sweater
There is no doubt in my mind that this is the coolest goddamn sweater in existence. In fact don’t even buy it for someone else, just keep it for yourself.
Toddland.com
28.) PF Flyers Andover boots
If boots had dreams, these are the sort of boots lesser boots would dream about. Waterproof with flannel lining.
PFFlyers.com
29.) Toddland Union Suit
This guy has a button flap in the back so you can keep it on while you do your business in the outhouse. Need we say more?
30.) Spiewak Snorkel parka
Look deep into the parka. Mighty Boosh? Anybody? That show always makes me think of those bumper stickers about Christians.
31.) Globe Lighthouse shoes
These things will protect your feet while you’re shredding that Westgate board up there.
Shopatron.com
32.) Diesel jeans
Pajama jeans are sooooooo QVC/HSN and the perfect item to help you combat a gnarly PBR hangover. That’s why Diesel decided to cash in on the trend by making really expensive pajama jeans so rich people don’t feel unfashionable buying them to help them get through their RX/Cosmopolitan morning after blues. They’re also great for bitchy aunts!
Store.Diesel.com
