PHOTOS BY CHRIS NIERATKO (SORT OF)
Marisa and the author.
Girl skateboarders aren’t hot. It’s just how it is. I wish they were but they’re not. It’s a dude’s activity and so they feel they need to act/dress the part of a dude to get accepted. The premier girl skateboarder is and always will be Elissa Steamer, and for the better part of her career she dressed, drank, and acted like a dude (not that there’s anything wrong with that…). It wasn’t until recent years that she found and embraced her inner sexy mama and really started getting dolled up. And you know what? Under her oversize dude jeans and t-shirt was a hot tamale.
Within the past two years a new girl skater has started to emerge and Elissa has taken her under her wing. Elissa’s protégé is a young gal from just outside of Chicago named Marisa del Santos.
Marisa is badass. She has to be—she rides for Zero Skateboards. If you’re unaware what that means, it means she rides for the skateboard company that jumps down the biggest stairs, grinds the gnarliest handrails, and generally gets the hairiest (in the case of Marisa that applies to both her skating and her armpits). I am a huge fan and supporter of Marisa and that says a lot because all girl skaters suck (except Elissa). They skate with what I call “puffy butt,” which is when they stick their asses way out like their jeans were full of Charmin like in those old toilet-paper commercials. You may think a woman sticking her ass way out during any activity sounds sexy. It’s not. Not sure how to explain it but it’s painful to look at.
Marisa doesn’t skate with puffy butt. Neither does Elissa. (I know, the names sort of rhyme, and yes, I have thought about them both naked together many times.) They jump down shit that most dudes would pee themselves if they even thought about ollieing.
Recently I interviewed young Marisa for my mild-mannered day job at The Skateboard Mag. I quickly learned that not only has she never gotten L’d, she’s never even kissed a boy. She had never even been on a date. (Side note: “L’d” is a new term for me. I learned it from one of our 14-year-old skaters at our Hoboken Skateshop. Back in April, Eric said he was going to the school dance and was going to get L’d. “What’s that?” I asked. I thought it was a new drug term. No, it’s short for “laid.” I knew F’d but had never heard L’d. So I bet Eric that he wouldn’t get L’d at the dance. His dad owns a burrito spot, and I bet him one burrito that he wouldn’t get L’d. I’m not sure what he was going to win if he did get L’d but it doesn’t matter because he didn’t get L’d. And four months later he still owes me a burrito. I WANT MY BURRITO, ERIC!)
It broke my heart. Recently my wife said she wasn’t really comfortable having sex during the last month of the pregnancy. I found myself in a state of confusion and disarray. I know that it takes a few months for a woman to get back to having sex after the baby, which meant I was looking at three months without having sex. I have not gone three months without getting L’d since I started getting L’d 20 years ago. I’m not certain I’ll survive this stretch.
Regular Marisa Sophisticated Marisa “Funky” Marisa
“Funky” Chris
