The BBC’s Panorama program broke the news that Poles are all massively racist. What were we even thinking of letting those bigots host the Euro 2012 soccer tournament? In response, the British press has been rumbling and wrangling away at people about it in that way the press does when it has nothing else to talk about. What the BBC have willfully ignored, however, is whether any other country in Europe is actually any better.
We at VICE are more scientific than that, so we cast a quick glance around the continent for racists.
SWEDEN
If you’d like to see a bunch of Swedish fascists in action you should watch our film Teenage Riot: May Day in Eskilstuna.
The Tag
The home of enlightened progressive thought and bending-over-backwards cultural deference.
The Evidence
FACT
Sweden was the first country in the world to introduce a research center for racial biology—in the town of Upsalla. It was there that the idea of forced sterilization of the mentally ill, the physically disabled, the gay, or people suffering from ethnic minority-ness first found scientific credibility. Incredibly, this tactic was approved by the government and was still technically legal under Swedish law until fairly recently. Before 1975, if you were caught with a red hot pair of scissors in the vicinity of a gay Somali’s testes, legally-speaking, there was nothing the police could do.
FACT
A recent survey showed that job-seekers in Sweden have a 50 percent higher chance of being called up for an interview if they have a Swedish-sounding name rather than an Arab-sounding one.
FACT
Earlier this year, Swedish Minister for Culture Lena Adelsohn Liljeroth decided that she should do more to promote cultural harmony for World Art Day. So she ceremonially cut open a cake. This was the cake:
That’s her with the plate, by the way. Not the one lying down. Note all the people in the background going, “Go on, Lena, keep grinning, that’s it, yeah, God, this pic is gonna look great on Facebook when I do a witty caption about the end of your career.”
Verdict
Swedes are a nasty bunch of CV-binning cake-baking race haters, for whom tying the tubes of anyone who doesn’t fulfill their eugenicized national ideal is as natural as tying their shoelaces (though we have to admit that all that eugenics has left them extremely good looking).
Travel Advice
Avoid if you are anything up to and including a Norweigan, have one tooth a little bit twisted or suffer from occasional eczema: you will be taking a Zyklon B power-shower within minutes of landing.
Racism Rating
5/5
POLAND
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The Tag
“Stay at home, watch it on TV. Don’t even risk it… because you could end up coming back in a coffin.” – Sol “Factually Accurate” Campbell
The Evidence
FACT
In mid-2011, a large group of Polish football supporters unfurled a banner proclaiming: “Death to the Hooked-Nosed Ones,” illustrated with a picture of a Jew with a large crooked nose, at a stadium in Rzesow. The game was not televised. There were no players of Jewish origin on the pitch at the time. And, given that Poland’s Jewish population is vanishingly small, it is not particularly likely there were even any Jews in the stadium at all.
Which doesn’t make it any better, obviously, but it does, in fact, make the Poles in question seem even more unnecessarily pathetic.
Verdict
In a country which is 98 percent ethnically Polish, Poles have had to resort to being racist against people who don’t exist. They probably maintain a sort of internal fantasy football league of race-hate, acting out this pitiful shadow-boxing in the absence of genuine targets. It is likely that, when no one else is around, Polish neo-Nazis force each other to dress up as Arabs in crude tea-towel and bath-sheet costumes, then beat each other with sticks just for the release.
Travel Advice
In terms of race-hate, wet-behind-the-ears Poles have never even taken off the training-wheels. Safe for travel, so long as you are not an Invisible Imaginary Jew.
Racism Rating
2/5
GREAT BRITAIN
Photo by Henry Langston
The Tag
The land that gave the world concentration camps, the suppression of the Indian Mutiny, the hut tax and Roy “Chubby” Brown.
The Evidence
FACT
In July 2008, the National Children’s Bureau released a 366-page guide counseling adults on recognizing racist behavior in young children. The guide, which was called “Young Children and Racial Justice,” warned that babies should also be a part of “the effort to eliminate racism.” Nursery staff, it said, should be on alert for racist remarks among toddlers.
FACT
In May of this year it was announced that the Metropolitan Police banned the use of the term “blacklist” in all official correspondence, concerned it might be offensive to people.
Verdict
The British are suffering from a national scourge of toddler race-hate. You can’t go near a British play-pen these days without hearing terms like “nappy-head” and “ethnic Albanian.” Britons spent hundreds of years constantly using a deeply offensive term like “b****list,” knowing full well how demeaning it was, and therefore the “language of Shakespeare” should be reclassified as “the language of Hitler.”
Travel Advice
A nasty place indeed. Shouldn’t be gone near with a barge-pole. If you already live there, for heaven’s sake, get out now. Just watch it on TV. Don’t even risk it or you could be coming back in a coffin. In fact, don’t even watch it on TV, it’s just too dangerous.
Racism Rating
5/5
AUSTRIA
The Tag
Civilized, profiterole-enjoying classical music lovers and raging Nazis.
The Evidence
FACT
Austria gave the world —a UN Secretary General, who was also an actual certified ex-Nazi.
This is him doing what we all do when we’re young and reckless: joining the SA. No biggie, Kurt.
FACT
Even after it had been sensationally revealed that he was a former Nazi volunteer, Austrians STILL elected Waldheim as their President. It was almost as if they all secretly knew already.
FACT
Austrians didn’t just vote for the far-right politician Jorg Haider. They voted for him in droves: 27 percent in all. So alarmed was the rest of Europe with his policies that, in the year 2000, 11 countries broke off diplomatic links when he formed a coalition government. Haider was such a frothing arch-nationalist that he sometimes dressed like this:
Verdict:
If you try and flag down a cab in Austria, it will likely turn into a spontaneous curbside Nuremberg Rally. If you ask an Austrian for a cig, he will first offer you a “heil.”
Travel Advice
Try to avoid the more racist regions of Austria. You will be able to identify these easily on a map, as they will be the bits that are within the borders of Austria.
Racism Rating
4/5
SWITZERLAND
The Tag
Keep-to-themselves, sensible, moderate, gold-loving neutralists.
Evidence
FACT
In 2007, the Swiss introduced a law meaning that all members of your local community would have to vote on your citizenship application before you could win a passport. Since they did so, Muslims, Jews, Balkans, Africans, and Asians have been disproportionately rejected. In 2008, a disabled man from Kosovo was rejected on the grounds that, a) he was disabled and this would cost his community money and b) he was a Muslim. In other words, the system works well.
FACT
This was a Swiss election poster in 2007.
The caption says: “For More Security.” It is designed to publicize a pledge to kick out all foreigners who break Swiss laws.
FACT
The SVP, the party behind the poster, is not some fringe nutjob collective who go waterskiing with Andrew Brons on Lake Geneva. It is the largest single party in Switzerland. It is, effectively, the Swiss government. Here is some more of their recent handiwork:
And here’s another:
Clearly, reasonable men with reasonable aims.
Verdict
It’s not just the Nazis’ gold that the Swiss have hung onto.
Travel Advice
The only safe way for foreigners to travel in Switzerland is dressed in Leiderhosen with an alpenhorn protruding at a jaunty angle from your gob, a cuckoo clock in one hand and a Swiss Army Knife with a Muslim impaled on it in the other.
Racism Rating
5/5
GERMANY
The Tag
“Really nice people” – The North Minehead Gazette
The Evidence
At the time of going to press, a comprehensive reading of the past hundred years of German history showed no documented incidents of any racial bias.
Verdict
Germans are the most placid, right-on and groovy folk on the continent. The only racism here is directed against them—so sort it out, brothers from another mother.
Travel Advice
Just let it all hang out. There’s a reason it’s known as “The Land of the Free.”
Racism Rating
0/5
Follow Gavin on Twitter: @hurtgavinhaynes
