‘Macbeth’: In the Context of Ghosts

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Image by Ben Apatow

OK right so first off there are these ladies hanging out in the woods over a trash-can fire with a cauldron[1] and they are stirring it with probably brooms[2]. Basically this is where the sign drops down saying “WITCHES” as a sort of stage direction to our lives. OK so there is this guy named DUNCAN and he is king of all the Scots. And OK so MACBETH is the main guy here because he gets first billing. And so the thing about MACBETH is that he killed some guys in a war[3] and so that was good, and then he and his best buddy BANQUO get shit-housed and wander around the woods all shit-housed like a bunch of loud-ass drunk white dudes in positions of middle management obsessed and incensed with their own perceived lack of value, and they stumble across THESE THREE LADIES[4] [5] and the THREE LADIES are all like, “O, yo, MACBETH we were just talkin about U,” and Macbeth is all, “Who me?” and the witches[6] say, “Yes, U. U R gonna be king.” And Banquo is all, “What about me?” and they’re all, “U R gonna father a bunch of kings, but U ain’t gonna be one.” And the aformentioned dudes are all, “Whoa, this is so weird!” And the witches are all, “Poof, we vanished” because that is exactly what happened[7].

OK I guess I forget that also they called him mayor of a city[8] but he wasn’t mayor and so then he came home and they were like “Hey the old mayor was a traitor, you’re the new mayor now, bro, here’s a castle.[9]” And MACBETH tells his WIFE whose name is LADY MACBETH[10] about the prophecies and so she says, “OK, cool. Let’s KILL THE KING,” because obviously that is how you become king and totally the sort of leap that a rational human with a heart that feels love for their fellow humans would make[11] and he is all, “I don’t know?” And she is all, “I bet you got a small dick, you ain’t wanna kill this king.” And he is all, “My dick is not at all small it is totally a good size,” and she is all, “Tiny dick can’t kill a king,” and he is all, “I got a big fuckin’ dick,” and she is all, “If you had a big fuckin’ dick, you’d kill the fuckin’ king.” And so that is exactly what he does and he blames it on the servants who he got real drunk and then smeared all the blood on and for all we know he stabbed the king to death with his big dick[12]. He does this murder despite a whole bunch of supernatural portents and augurs[13] like a bloody dagger and also that part of your brain that says, “Murder is an unconscionable act for which there is no escaping the guilt it causes[14].”

OK then all these important guests come, and they are all, “WTF, the king is dead.” And then Macbeth murders some guards to keep them from talking, I guess[15] and then Duncan’s kids are all, “Man, if they killed our dad, what in the world would stop this mystery killer or killers from also killing us?” And so, like the family in Home Alone before them, they flee to distant lands and MACBETH is like, “I bet they did it, look at them runningaway!” and I guess enough people say, “Yeah, totes guilty.” Then MACBETH becomes KING[16].

So MACBETH is all worried about BANQUO ’cause he remembers them witches talking about BANQUO siring a whole bunch of KINGS right out of his dick and so MACBETH sanctions the murder of BANQUO by SOME MURDERY DUDES and it totally works[17] but BANQUO’S SON escapes. So MACBETH has a party. It is at this point that BANQUO’S GHOST gets up out of the audience of ghosts and goes and sits in MACBETH’s chair, and MACBETH totally calls bullshit on this, because 1) that fucker is dead and 2) that fucker is in his fucking chair, and 3) ghosts??? He totally freaks and everyone is like, “WTF,” and starts shaking, and his wife, Lady[18], is all, “LOL, it’s cool, he’s always like this,” and everyone is all, “Oh. OK… Cool.” And then he freaks again ’cause BANQUO’S GHOST is doing other stuff and then Lady is all “OK, dudes, party’s over, plus here are your party bags[19].” Right now everyone is freaking out. MACBETH is freaking out in the woods with the WITCHES who, as a means of explanation, summon up first A GIANT DISMEMBERED HEAD COVERED IN ARMOR[20] who says who says, “Yo, look out for MACDUFF,” and then they summon up a BABY COVERED IN BLOOD[21] who says, “Yo, no man born of a woman can hurt U, it’s OK,” and, like, pats him like on the head or shoulder in a comforting manner[22], this baby covered in blood, which is so fucked up, and then a BABY WITH A CROWN CARRYING A TREE[23] is all, “Yo, bro, you’re totally safe until the Birnam Wood shows up,” and Macbeth is all, “Cool, the Birnam Wood is totally a forest of  trees in Birnam and not at all near me, so that is not possible unless wormholes,”[24] and then they show him eight kings who all have BANQUO’S face and they are all dressed up like they are kings of different countries but they all have his, BANQUO’S, dead face and symbolism tells us that this means his descendents totally really become kings, and so that’s how that went and LADY is freaking out in the castle. She is all, “Oh, hey, maybe actions have consequences?”/a.k.a./She Is Walking Around Seeing Blood On Her Hands/a.k.a./”Yo, this blood, can you see it?”/a.k.a./”No one but me can see this blood”/a.k.a./”Oopsie, uh-oh…” And then she just wanders around the castle try’na wash her hands, but they can’t get clean ’cause some sins you can’t wash away, right, dawg?[25] So MACBETH keeps freaking out and has MACDUFF’S WIFE and babies savagely slaughtered[26] and this MACDUFF guy is all, “Yo, fuck this shit and then DUNCAN’S SONS call him up on a conference call and are all, “Yo, son, we just heard. Let’s fuck some shit up, we got armies.” And they indeed do have armies and they do indeed fuck some shit up.

So MACBETH is hanging out on the roof of his castle just chillin’ blazin’ nothin’ when suddenly he looks down and sees the fucking forest marching on his fucking castle[27] and also LADY totally kills herself and MACBETH is all, “Oh, shit, guys, maybe we did not at all think this through,” and then everyone kills almost everyone and MACDUFF faces off with MACBETH and MACBETH is all, “No woman born of man can kill me dawg!” But get ready guys. Because MACDUFF is all, “Motherfucker my momma had a C-section!” and guts MACBETH like a fucking gutted object emptied of all its guts as they spill onto the floor and then MACBETH goes, “Oh God, I’m terribly afraid that I have dreadfully misunderstood everything that has been presented to me in life and not once invested myself in love or the helping of my fellow man. Do you see the sunset tonight? I can see it. It is setting on us all, as though we are all flammable material, as though everything in us, at one point, can just upend itself.” Then he dies and everyone else is happy the end.

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