How many times have you caught a glimpse of Lindsay Lohan’s deformed face on the cover of Us Weekly or splashed across one of the numerous receptacles for celebrity snark on the internet and thought, “What did that bitch do to herself?” It’s like she tried to shotgun a blunt and burned her lips until they looked more like a collection of oozing sores than something that occurs in nature.
Sure, there are plenty of celebrities (like Joan Rivers and Dolly Parton) whose faces look like tiny balls of Play-Doh stretched across a bowling ball who readily admit to the number of surgeries they’ve had, but there are twice as many who parade around looking all crazy and expect us not to notice. Here are what some real plastic surgeons (all of whom have worked on numerous celebrity patients) have to say about what went wrong and just how you can spot who had what done like a pro.
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BREASTS
Celebrity Fuck Up: Cameron Diaz
What Happened: One day she was chairman of the itty bitty titty committee and the next she was sporting twice as much fun in her bags. Dr. Brian Glatt, a plastic surgeon with a practice in Morristown, New Jersey, says that Cameron Diaz’s boobs aren’t the worst he’s seen, but you can still get a glimpse of the implants.
Telltale Signs: Dr. Glatt says, “Not to stereotype, but many celebs tend to be on the thinner side and, as a whole, thinner women with disproportionately large breasts have had breast implants. Someone who is thin is not born with big breasts.” Duh. He also says putting fake ammo in a pair of bazooks will make them rounder and (as anyone who has handled a pair can tell you) firmer, and that it gives the cleavage a distinctive profile.
ASS
Celebrity Fuck Up: Coco
What Happened: Mrs. Ice T loves to show off her artificially stacked ass in a thong on her Twitter account, but everyone knows all that junk in her trunk was professionally installed. Dr. Constantino Mandieta, a butt shaping specialist in Miami, says that it is one of two procedures, either an implant placed into the posterior or something called “fat grafting,” where fat is taken from other parts of the body and sculpted somewhere it can have a more desirable effect. In Coco’s case, there’s just way, way too much of it.
Telltale Signs: Dr. Mandieta says that a fullness of the butt caused by a sudden drop off (so the backside looks like a shelf) is usually a good sign of an implant. He says any woman with a tiny waist and an overly round badonk is suspect. Also, if a woman has had fat grafting, it won’t show up on an ultrasound, so just because Coco passed that test on national TV doesn’t mean she’s 100 percent natural.
LIPS
Celebrity Fuck Up: Meg Ryan
What Happened: America’s sweetheart took her face from cherubic to ducktastic, effectively destroying her film career. Dr. Glatt says she got her lips overstuffed with a hyaluronic acid filler like Juvéderm or Restylane, which will be absorbed back into the body over time. Here’s his take, “It was filled across in one big roll. Because the lip is broken up in little pieces, it has to be done in a segmented way to make it look natural.” Dr. Glatt says that fat grafting can also be done on the lip and that it lasts a lot longer.
Telltale Signs: If a celebrity looks normal one day and like they made out with a nest of scorpions the next, that’s a sure sign.
BOTOX
Celebrity Fuck Up: Nicole Kidman
What Happened: She won an Oscar for wearing a fake nose in The Hours but she became a punch line for having a face that looked like it belonged to the Bride of Chucky rather than a human being. Dr. Elie Levy, who has a plastic surgery practice in Manhattan’s Upper East Side, says Nicole simply got too much of her face shot up too often. Luckily, like her charms, the Botox is starting to wear off.
Telltale Signs: The classic joke about the well-Botoxed legions is that surprise is the only facial expression they are able to make. That is easy to spot, especially in actresses (other than January Jones, who is just naturally that stiff). Dr. Levy adds that the skin will also have a bit of a sheen to it, and the smoothness, at times, looks unnatural because of all the shit that has been injected into it.
FILLERS
Celebrity Fuck Up: Madonna
What Happened: The Material Girl’s face got so complicated it started to look like a geometry problem. “The problem with being thin and over 50 is that your face has a tendency to thin out, and then you look older because your face is thin,” Dr. Levy says. The way to correct that is with fillers like Juvéderm or Radiesse, but when they are applied too liberally, it looks insane. Dr. Levy says he always advises a client to try to regain the face shape she always had instead of trying to find a whole new shape, like Madge did.
Telltale Signs: This is one of those things that is like pornography or a hipster: it’s hard to define, exactly, but you know it when you see it. If a star’s profile has changed drastically or their face looks younger and plumper without the tight eyes of a face lift, then they’ve been shot full of something.
FACE LIFTS
Celebrity Fuck Up: Bruce Jenner
What Happened: The Olympic medalist and sire to more reality television stars than we’d care to think about used to be famous for his athletic prowess. Now he’s notorious for being able to bounce a dime off of his overly taut face. Dr. Glatt says, “I don’t know if it’s too much surgery or if whoever did it created a more unnatural look—some patients wind up in the hands of people who over-pull or over-tighten them.”
Telltale Signs: The sure way to spot a face lift is the scars that are hiding behind the ears. Also, the eyes tend to be narrowed or drawn out if the face is racked too tightly across the skull. And if the neck and jowls are totally gone, that’s a sure sign there has been surgical intervention.
NOSES
Celebrity Fuck Up: Michael Jackson
What Happened: The late, great King of Pop was obsessed with having a perfect nose. He hammered on that appendage so many times that an urban legend was sparked claiming it had fallen off completely. Dr. Levy says that, while he doesn’t know if Michael had a new nose built, it is a possibility. “The contouring of a rhinoplasty involves some of the bone, but what you’re dealing with is contouring of the cartilage—adding to it and taking it away. If you do that too many times, the nose essentially collapses and becomes extremely deformed. When that happens the only way to fix it is to do a reconstruction. Then the cosmetics of it go down and you’re looking at getting a functional nose.”
Telltale Signs: Anyone with a nose that is too symmetrical, too straight, or pointed at the end like a Crayola put into the sharpener at the back of the box, has had some work done. Oh, and don’t forget the pinched look, where the person looks like a synchronized swimmer stranded on land. Michael had that too.
Also by Brian Moylan:
An Etiquette Guide for Straight People in Gay Bars
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The Most Glorious Bazoombas in the World
Assplasty: Dr. Mendieta’s Perfect Booties
