All photos by Danielle Levitt.
didas is cool. It’s always cool, but make sure you know that it stands for “All Day I Dream About Sex.” If you say “sports” it means you are a gay. It’s even cooler if you know the backwards definition: “Sex All Day In Dad’s Apartment.”
ecome friends with someone older than you, like an 8th grader (or, as Canadians say, “a grade 8”). Even if they are boring and stupid, they can protect you and people in your grade will think you are cooler. These older kids will also get their driver’s licenses before you so eventually you will be able to use them for rides, but that’s more of a 9th grader thing.
arry your book bag on one shoulder, unless you don’t have a book bag and you want to hold your books, which is also cool and a better option for girls. Don’t say “knapsack.” When a teacher calls it a “knapsack,” make sure you laugh in her face so hard she feels stupid and old.
o not buy lunch, bring your own. If you eat food from the cafeteria, you are a loser. If you carry your lunch on a tray, you are a loser. Small brown paper bags only.
veryone knows that if you get into a fight, you do not cry. Crying is the kiss of death. Sure, if you do start crying, maybe the person will stop beating you up, but they will also be disgusted. Sometimes girls “feel bad” when people cry, but don’t let this fool you. The kid who cries is destined to be the kid who is forever ignored, and eventually someone will start a rumor about how he has Hershey squirts. Suck it up, fight back, do whatever it takes — just DO NOT CRY. It just makes things uncomfortable and awkward for everyone.
riendship bracelets. If you have a friendship bracelet, it means you are down for life. They can be made with lanyard, in any stitch really: Chinese staircase, box, etc. Friendship pins are also cool; you put some beads on a safety pin and attach it to the laces of your Keds. The colors represent your crew, kind of like the Bloods or the Crips.
Another good F is Following. Being a follower is not cool because it’s a form of copying, but almost everyone is a follower so it’s okay. You don’t have to admit it because in junior high telling the truth is not yet mandatory.
od hates you and everyone else in sixth grade. That’s why it sucks so bad.
andjobs are okay, but if you give blowjobs, you are a total slut. Jessica Martin, who was in 6th grade when I was in 8th, became known as the “blow fairy” because she gave Kris Carter a blowjob — just one! It’s the line between being a prude and being a slut. Stick with the handjob. Trust me. They can be given under blankets, behind the parking lot of the school (by the woods), or even in the back of a classroom if you’re really bad-ass.
gnoring people is the best way to drive them crazy. If you get into a fight with someone, just ignore them and eventually they’ll crack. It’s the best tactic, especially for girls. The worst is when you’re walking down the hall and you smile at Kim but she doesn’t even look back. All you can do is yell, “Whatever!”
ocking. It’s not cool to jock someone. Get off their jock. Stop writing Toby’s name on your binder because he doesn’t like you. Maybe if you didn’t jock him so hard, he would. Guys like it when you hate them.
elly Leak, center field. Played by Jackie Earle Haley, he was more than just the coolest guy in The Bad News Bears. He defined the word cool. To this day, if you are like him, you will rule the school.
eaving your old best friend and finding a new one. This is a rite of passage, and it hurts, but you have to do it. Garbage Pail Kids don’t stay cool forever, and just because he lives around the block is no reason to forgive him for still collecting them. It’s time to get over him (bye, Craig). Things will be sore for a bit but eventually you’ll grow up, and that kid will probably become the next David Lee Roth, but whatever.
aking friends with the new kid is suicide (unless the new kid is really good-looking, which I highly doubt). It’s okay to be nice to the new kid, but even then you’re pushing it. The new kid pays his/her dues for at least two years. It’s best not to torture the new kid too much because in high school they may turn out to be really hot and then you lose. One classic “new kid” prank is telling them that every Friday is “backwards” day, and that everyone wears their clothes backwards. Wait until Friday and if the kid is wearing his jeans on backwards (“Everybody does it,” you say), then you have permission to scar him for life with mental anguish.
icknames. If you have one, it’s really cool. Even if it’s something really bad, like “Douche.”
Another good N is NOT! It’s an excellent way to psyche someone out. E.g., “Wanna make out … not!”
Or New Shorts, a guy’s game. You pull your balls out of one leg of your shorts and you go up to a girl and say, “Hey, you like my new shorts?” Another way to get people to look at your nuts is to give them a high five and then put your hands near your crotch so when they reciprocate they’re forced to see your sack sitting there. Or you can just pull your bag skin out of your fly and scrunch it against your pants and be like, “Hey Dale, I got some gum on my pants,” and act like you’re trying to get it off. There’s tons.
See “N” for “nerds” here.
“Ooh, face!” aka “Diss!” It’s weird because, although these are all “fuck you”s they are still kind of reverent. Like when The Sex Pistols were on the radio and they got dissed hard (but good) and Sid Vicious laughed and was like, “Ooooh, not fair, mate.”
“Psych!” You put your hand out to slap someone five and then you pull back at the last second and say “psych!” If you do it successfully, you win.
uit band. It won’t do anything for you once you get to high school (unless you play drums) and it’s really hard. What are you going to do with a clarinet besides become a big fag? Get a guitar and learn “Smoke on the Water.”
ubber room (aka special class) is not so bad. They put all the delinquents in the rubber room, so it’s usually a source of constant entertainment. I was in the math rubber room and it was the highlight of my junior high education. Robbie Pasternak used to throw chairs at the teacher and out the window. In fact, I think he even tried to throw Desiree Soper out the window, too. The teachers are just as dumb as the students, if not dumber. I was allowed to grade my own tests and every other Friday was “cooking day.” Hellooooo?
taring problems. Do you have a staring problem? [When you’re an adult, a staring problem is just flirting, and it’s not called “staring,” it’s called “giving the TV (Twat Vibe) eye.”] In junior high, asking someone if they have a staring problem is like, “Ooh, face!” Don’t tell them to “take a picture” — that is corny and old like the movie Mask. Just ask it all serious as if you were going to say, “Do you have a pencil?” or something sincere. It totally fucks them up.
its. If they’re too big, people will make fun of you. If they’re too small, people will harass you until they get bigger. And sometimes they don’t, and this might scar you for life. It’s cool when boys snap your bra. It means they like you; only you have to pretend to hate it.
mbros are the preferred shorts of seventh graders. Even if you don’t play soccer, it’s cool to look like you do. Make sure you wear them real, real low, too.
ans are pretty cool to wear if you’re a boy. If you’re a girl, I’d wear Keds. The high-tops don’t age well (they turn into pancakes), so get low-cuts. Slip- ons are the best.
hen someone pulls down your pants, aka “getting pantsed,” act as if you don’t really care. Laugh or say, “Ha ha, very funny,” and pretend it never happened. Of course, it did happen. It was a classic move on Steve-o’s part, and you feel really stupid. You should. Next time don’t wear sweatpants, doofus.
P.S. Make sure you get the person back.
.Y.Z. means “X-amine Your Zipper,” and if you don’t know this than you are going to grow up to be a pedophile.
ou think you’re hot shit but you’re really cold diarrhea. Diss!
-28. Getting dropped off (kind of late so you have to hurry) in a Z-28 is basically like King Kong carrying you to your second-floor homeroom and letting you crawl in through the window. Make sure when anyone makes a comment about it you roll your eyes and say, “I know. My brother is SOOO tacky.”
LESLEYARFIN
