10 Questions You’ve Always Wanted To Ask A Couples Therapist

If you are struggling with a break-up and need to talk to someone, email lovebetter@youthline.co.nz or text “lovebetter” to 234.

There’s a tonne of stigma around seeing a relationship counsellor. For younger folks, the idea of getting couples therapy might seem “too serious” – why seek counselling when you could potentially move onto another relationship that doesn’t have the same problems? For older folks, therapy, in general, could be seen as a sign of weakness or defeat. It also doesn’t help that most of pop culture’s depictions of couples therapy are negative or portrayed as a gag.

Videos by VICE

Given our generation is so therapy-positive, why is there still some squeamishness around seeking relationship counselling and having an honest kōrero. To unpack these ideas, we spoke to relationship counsellor Laressa Donaldson to bust a bunch of common misconceptions about couples therapy.

VICE: Is it true that if you need to take relationship counselling, your relationship is over already?

No, no, not at all. This unhelpful myth can stop people from seeking help. I believe that coming to relationship counselling is a reflection of strength and hope from both partners and an indicator of potential growth. It shows inherent courage and willingness to self-reflect and unpack power dynamics and personal histories when a couple enters counselling.

I believe most couples, at some point, would benefit from therapy, either together or separately, to get a better handle on the quality of their relationships in general. The reality is that all relationships can improve; it’s just a matter of whether we are willing to do the work and whether our partner is willing to meet us in that.

Couples can learn many new skills to enhance their dynamic, be it strategies to support them with arguments and difficult conversations or tricky topics that could be triggering. Couples can get stuck in patterns of interaction, and an opportunity to reflect and unpack the patterns lends itself to opportunities to create new ways of communicating that are congruent and authentic and hold integrity for each partner’s values. Working on intimate relationships can signify valuing one’s dignity and self-respect.

What are the most common red flags you see in long-term relationships?

The use of power and control indicates red flags in relationships. Misogyny and chauvinism, entitlement are common. There can be control around friendships, family relationships, clothing, money, time, decision making – pretty much any aspect of life that can be controlled.

Verbal abuse and threats are common. This includes sarcasm, yelling, name-calling and threatening. Suicide or harming the partner, children or pets, stonewalling (refusing to communicate, defensiveness and attacking or blaming), shaming and belittling, and pathologising mental or physical health can also appear. All are behaviours reflective of ignoring boundaries.

How do you know if a relationship is doomed?

A relationship is usually ‘doomed’ when red flags indicate it’s not going well, and perhaps the best option is to separate. Red flags can present from either both or one partner from the beginning of a relationship or can slowly reveal themselves over time once the relationship appears stable.

Can a relationship ever really be saved after cheating?

It depends on a lot of different factors. Ascertaining the cause of the cheating is critical, as is establishing trust in the aftermath. Cheating is a symptom that something is wrong for the person doing it. Reasons people cheat range from sabotage to low self-esteem and parental patterns from childhood that have been inherited as a coping mechanism.

Sometimes the reasons are directly linked to the relationship, where there may have been some needs that they felt were better met outside the relationship – such as experimenting with others if unable to express part of themselves in their relationship.

There appears to be a noticeable increase in the diversity of relationships, for example, more non-monogamy and open relationships among both Queer and Heterosexual couples, and an interest in kink as a kind of sexual expression. This may reflect people being active and conscious participants in their sexuality and interested in meeting their needs or experimenting to uncover their authentic identities.

The healing can come from understanding why the cheating occurred and a genuine willingness from both partners to do the work, which is likely to be ongoing, particularly around repairing the relationship. It also comes from listening to each other’s narratives about where wrongdoing and harm have occurred and what needs are not being met, and whether the needs can be met in this particular relationship.

On the flip side, what are signs that a relationship is working?

A major indicator of the success of relationships is a clear shared understanding of the vision of the relationship. For example, you both understand whether it is long-term, monogamous, whether you both want children, whether marriage is in the picture, if there’s a shared importance of family and friends, the value of money and resources etc.

A few good signs that you are in a healthy relationship include: that you are happy to see and honour each other’s boundaries. It’s positive if you can self-reflect on your own behaviours, support each other’s friendships, and encourage each other to make time for yourselves to hang out with friends. Being interested in our partner friends, taking time to get to know them, showing vulnerability, and prioritising self-care are also positive signs.

When do couples usually seek out a relationship counsellor?

Often when they are stuck in the same patterns when they have exhausted their capacity and resources and when they are interested in reflecting on themselves and their relationship. An openness to receiving professional advice and courage around sharing personal experiences is also evident.

When should a couple see a relationship counsellor?

If they notice unsafe, unhealthy or undesirable patterns in their relationships. Though I would suggest that if one or both partners are being abused, that specialist support is essential. Having a counsellor, social worker or support person who analyses domestic violence is essential here, as the behaviours may be insidious or covert and very difficult to pin down. Looking at the red flags listed by Women’s Refuge or other domestic violence support agencies can offer insight as to whether somebody needs this specialist’s help.

If there is no abuse in the relationship, and there is a willingness for both parties to work on their dynamic and patterns of relating, then any time is a good time to seek the help of a relationship counsellor.

Also, if only the partner is interested in doing the work, I would recommend seeking the help of a counsellor. If you can imagine a Venn diagram featuring one partner, in the middle is the relationship and then the other partner. We all have our histories and projections onto others from our childhoods, whether we are conscious of that or not. Each of us can individually benefit from examining our histories and the ways they affect our present life.

What are the common complaints you hear in your sessions?

Examining the people-pleasing archetype is trending presently. There’s a noticeable trend in learning how to establish and practice boundaries in relationships, particularly pertaining to meeting the expectations of others versus what you can offer. Communication breakdowns are widespread. People often expect their partners to intuit or should just understand them. However, it’s an ongoing piece of work for all of us to get better at taking responsibility for clearly communicating our needs and expectations and then practising negotiating if they are reasonable and possible to our partner.

Experiences of discrimination, be it transphobia or homophobia, and difficulty with navigating health care for marginalised people, particularly neurodivergent folk, also come up. I also get questions about how to support each other, especially if one or both partners are experiencing mental health struggles. I also get asked how to navigate breakups when partners are still around each other’s communities – especially around addictions, be it alcohol, pornography, or food.

Varying sex drives and interests come up, too – whether it’s the kinds of sex like kink or vanilla, monogamy or open relationships. I also get asked how to separate when you have children and or what to do when your family and friends bad mouth your ex.

Have you ever told a couple they should break up?

No, I don’t see that as part of the job. However, I would suggest exploring the benefits of staying together and separating. Clients need to come to these decisions themselves. It’s my role to support them in what they want to achieve, not what I think is best for them. If the relationship is abusive, that’s a totally different story. If I can hear that a client is unsafe in a relationship from referencing the power and control red flags, then I am likely to suggest that these behaviours are unlikely to change unless the person using them is willing to do the work to change – which is often an examination of one’s upbringing where they have learnt abusive behaviour to survive.

There is potential to change those behaviours, and I deeply encourage people to seek counselling to do that work over a long period. It’s truly a lifelong commitment.

Can you predict if a couple should break up?

Not necessarily. Couples have agency and make their own decisions.

This article was created in partnership with the Ministry for Social Development as part of its Love Better campaign.