I Asked a Porn Star and Cam Girl to Teach Me How to Talk Dirty

If you were to make a word cloud of everything I say during sex, you’d be working with only four exclamations—”fuck,” “shit,” “faster,” and “yes”—and the sentence “let me move my phone it’s embedded in my butt cheek.”

For someone who eats tuna salad sandwiches on the subway, I am an unusually self-conscious person. I’m so mortified by performance and the sound of my voice that I lip-sync “Happy Birthday” at parties, even when I’m drunk and among friends and family. So it checks out that I feel uncomfortable with dirty talk. Last year I was hooking up with a guy who asked me things like, “How do you want to be fucked?” and “Do you like that?” during sex, pretty non-threatening conversation points in the grand scheme of dirty talk. To both questions, I responded with a quiet “yes.” But the only thing sex has in common with improv is that, to be a good partner, you need to respond to entreaties with “yes, and…”

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In my fantasy world, Joe Millionaire is still on the air and sex is pretty quiet save for moans, sighs, ass-slapping, and the Ciara “Ride” video playing from a laptop. But if I worked through my insecurities, could I experience a level of passion and intimacy I never thought possible? Maybe, but this would require taking risks even bolder than singing “Happy Birthday” in a crowded Outback Steakhouse. What if I said something that sounded dumb or cliché? What if I accidentally said, like, “Hard cock, much?” Even if my partner didn’t judge me, I would judge me, and check out for the rest of the experience. (Of course, dirty talk can go wrong on the receiving end, too. A friend told me a guy she was seeing once texted her “I want to rape you.” She did not want that.)

I spoke with Tasha Reign, a 28-year-old adult film star, about dirty phrases I could try incorporating into sex. Reign’s two favorites, which she thinks are good for beginners, are “fill me up” (she adds that even if you’re using a condom, this will sound hot in the moment) and “split my pussy open.” Though she emphasizes that the secret to stimulating dirty talk is practicing on yourself first.

“You have to masturbate and say those dirty things to yourself first out loud,” she says. “Practice. Watch some adult videos and see what turns you on. People don’t give enough credit to masturbation. Eventually you can try to implement it into sex and see how comfortable you are.”

Photo by Glenn Francis, www.PacificProDigital.com, via Wikimedia Commons

While I was worried about humiliating myself by saying something predictable and stale, Reign takes comfort in the fact that most dirty talk is pretty unoriginal. “Realize that whatever you say isn’t anything different than what other people say,” she says. “I often feel calmed by the idea that other people are just like me. Everybody has those desires… so it’s important to experiment with yourself to take the judgment off.”

Mistress Summer, a 26-year-old woman who works as a professional dominatrix and cam girl, knows that a huge part of her livelihood depends arousing others with her words. After five years as a cam girl, she’s learned what people secretly want but are afraid to ask for, and knows the information is unlocked with dirty talk.

“Most guys just want to hear words that their wives or girlfriends won’t say, or words they can’t say to some random girl without getting slapped in the face,” she says. “They’re looking to hear, ‘my pussy.’ They’re looking to hear, ‘I’m really excited to hear about your cock.’ While your average sexter might say something about a ‘juicy cock,’ they might not talk about the ‘intense throbbing’ or what a ‘dirty whore’ it’s going to make them feel like.”

I’m so mortified by the sound of my voice that I lip-sync “Happy Birthday” at parties, even when I’m drunk and among friends and family.

While Summer says the key to dirty talk is being highly descriptive—digging deep to explain the sensations and feelings that arouse you—you don’t have to dive straight in. In fact, you shouldn’t. Summer recommends starting with a normal conversation, clothes on, and maybe say something like, “I think it’s so hot when you talk about my ass.” Have a talk about dirty talk.

“A lot of people don’t try to do it until they’re in the bedroom,” she says, “And they’re like, ‘Put that in there,’ and it comes across as awkward and forced. Don’t be weird about it. Just communicate with the person you plan on fucking, and go a little further!”

Dirty talk is about communicating desires, yes, but it only becomes possible (or, at least, pleasurable) when you’re comfortable with your own sexuality.

“If you can’t look in the mirror and say, ‘I have a beautiful pussy,’ how can you look at someone else and say the same thing?” Summer says.

After our conversation, I took a moment in front of the mirror. I repeated, “I have a beautiful pussy” three times, each time cringing a little less at the word pussy. The conversion therapy was working. Then, I escalated. I said, “Your throbbing dick makes me feel like a dirty whore.” No, no, no, no. That’s not right. Later that night, while masturbating, I tried Reign’s favorite: “I want you to split that pussy open.” No, that’s not for me, either… but maybe if I practiced more, it could be. I think there are two new Bob’s Burgers? I’ll check them out.

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After Bob’s Burgers, I tried again. I tried: “I want you to lift me up and fuck me,” which played into my fantasy of being a petite person. We were getting somewhere. Maybe referring to myself as a “dirty whore” doesn’t really affect me because it lands too close to reality; I need to understand what I want, not just what is there.

Above all, I need to push back against the fear that what I say will be perceived as dumb. Next time I have sex, I plan on requesting that my pussy be split open, but if that psyches me out, I’ll just say, “I have a beautiful pussy.” I’ve been practicing.

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Sex Machina is a new and very personal column exploring the intersections of sex, romance, and technology.