How Pegging Gets Women in India To Stick It to the Patriarchy

Mumbai-based cake artist Anwesha, who preferred not to share her real name to protect both her and her partner’s identities, describes herself as a sexually adventurous person. She and her ex-boyfriend, whom she dated for over three years, always found ways to make sex more interesting. Not only were they committed to steering clear of “vanilla intercourse,” they were also open to allowing a third person into the mix, albeit consensually. But when her ex asked if she would peg him, Anwesha was unnerved. 

For the uninitiated, “pegging” is a sex act in which an individual wears a strap-on dildo to stimulate and penetrate the anus of their partner. While it is defined as a heterosexual practice there can, of course, be differences in terms of the gender and sexual orientation of those wishing to engage in the act, though the term “strap-on sex” is often preferred by queer people. 

While the act of pegging isn’t new – it is understood to have been first described by the French philosopher Marquis de Sade in his 1795 book, Philosophy in the Bedroom. (“Come now, Madame, embugger your brother.”) – it wasn’t until 2001 when author and sex columnist Dan Savage ran a contest to coin a term for the act in which the winning entry was chosen as “pegging” that the use of the word became more common.

Anwesha’s former partner suggested pegging around the time they were both quarantining in Pune in his flat, during the thick of the lockdown in 2020. “It was a straight-up question that I was taken aback with. While I’ve always been sexually experimental, this proposition unnerved me a little,” she said. 

She took the night to process the request and to calm the voices in her head that wondered: “Is he gay or bisexual?” The next morning, her ex brought it up again at breakfast, telling her that “being in a relationship with a sexually adventurous person had gradually warmed him to the idea of allowing her to take control.” 

She and her partner had experimented with anal play in 2019, in the early days of their relationship. “So, he was curious about whether it would do anything for him as well. It’s almost like it became an intriguing idea for him to flip our current dynamic on its head.”

With no practical experience and only a handful of YouTube tutorials to serve as a guide, a few days later, Anwesha and her ex decided to give pegging a shot. “He wanted us to develop a code; he wanted it to progress naturally. So, while we were making out, he would say, ‘I’ve been a bad boy,’ which was my signal to flip him over,” she said. 

With a strap-on dildo firmly in place, Anwesha slathered a generous amount of lube on the strap-on, proceeded to rim him, and then slowly began to insert him. He flinched, which scared her, so she pulled out a little hastily, leaving him squealing in pain. “I felt terrible about hurting him, so we decided not to continue further,” she said. 

However, they decided to give it another whirl the next day. This time, Anwesha strapped on a smaller dildo – about two inches smaller than the one she had used the previous day. “We pegged for about 15 minutes. It felt wholesome because we were both engaged. To me, it was sensual and loving. Also, it made me feel so powerful about myself. That’s what’s great about the act: a woman completely controls how things play out. I enjoyed the power trip,” she said. Having her ex submit to her didn’t make him less of a man, she added. He enjoyed the submission, too, so it was a win-win for both. And although they aren’t together anymore, Anwesha says she’s open to pegging other men, as and when the opportunity arises. 

Like other terms that have found their way into the sexual lexicon, “to peg” can also mean “to destroy.” At least, that was the meaning model Cara Delevingne intended at the 2021 Met Gala, when she made her red carpet appearance in a bullet-proof Dior vest emblazoned with the words: “PEG THE PATRIARCHY.” She told reporters that she hoped to “stick it to the man,” prompting many to Google the p-word – pegging not patriarchy. 

The act of pegging can be freeing for cishet women not just because they get to explore their own sexuality in new ways, which is liberating, but also because they get to explore aspects of sex that aren’t available to them through missionary cishet sex, including dominance, power, and strength. There is nothing shameful about pegging or any other sexual transgression provided that it is consensual. 

Sexuality and intimacy coach Pallavi Barnwal believes pegging is “two steps ahead of sexual equality.” According to her, a woman who pegs is viewed as an equal in the bedroom and commands that her partner submit to her. “In other words, pegging dismantles society’s traditional messaging of manhood and power. All too often, straight men are taught to equate penetration with masculinity, therefore their “status” as men is a narrative that gets quashed in this dynamic. When a cishet woman allows herself to penetrate a man, she challenges that belief, especially since society has conditioned her to believe that she’s only capable of being penetrated and not penetrating,” said Barnwal.

Aili Seghetti, a dominatrix, consumer researcher, intimacy coach, and founder of The Intimacy Curator – a dating, relationship and intimacy coaching service – said it’s heartening to see more Indian women, albeit still a small number, taking to pegging. “It’s more prevalent among Gen Z women, who, in my opinion, are more likely to take sexual risks. Among men, I’ve seen older millennials coming out of the shadows to experiment. Some of them have been repressed for so many years because they feel being submissive in the bedroom is something to be ashamed of,” she said.

Unlike other dominatrices, Seghetti hasn’t often engaged in pegging with her clients, so she puts me in touch with Ray, a Mumbai-based professional dominatrix, who has been in the business for about four to five years now. Being a professional dominatrix is an extension of Ray’s personality, who says she’s always been “the alpha” in the relationships she’s fostered with men over the years. “Most of my boyfriends were never on board with being dominated by a woman. Some gave in because they low-key enjoyed submitting to a woman. But in the bedroom, they always wanted to be controlled,” she said. 

However, in her role as a professional dominatrix, Ray has pegged a lot of powerful men, a trend she claimed has “picked up post-pandemic.” “A lot of men now come with a request to be pegged. I’m talking about businessmen and celebrities, too. In my conversations with some of them, I’ve been told they’re tired of always being in charge, they’re tired of carrying the burden of masculine expectations on their shoulders. In most cases, it’s a kink they’ve been carrying around for years without an outlet. With more and more social media chatter around sexual kinks and more professional dominatrices visiting from across the globe, these men are exposed to a new sexual culture, even if it is underground. They feel they can explore their kinks now,” she said.

A Mumbai-based man, who preferred to be known only as Lewis, said it took him almost two decades before he finally acted on his sexual urge to be pegged. Born into a conventional Indian household, Lewis says he’s always “enjoyed being submissive sexually.” But it took him a while to come to grips with this kink. “I was ashamed of it at first. I was consumed by self-loathing for a long time because pegging didn’t fit the conventional idea of how a man must navigate the bedroom. So I lived out my fantasy in my head and within the confines of my room,” he said. 

But the proliferation of social media and the more nuanced conversations around sex he was exposed to gave him the confidence he needed to indulge his kink. “I would follow pages that advertised visits by professional dominatrices from India and [abroad.] My first encounter was with a professional dominatrix from Bengaluru, who didn’t go through with it because she sensed I wasn’t comfortable. I was disappointed it didn’t happen, but it made me realise that the actual act wouldn’t be easy,” he said.

Only a year later did Lewis fully engage in the act of pegging. “It was with a pro-domme from the Philippines, who was very gentle. When she inserted the pegger, it hurt initially, but as she went deeper, pain turned into pleasure,” he said.

When asked if his sexual kink has affected his ability to foster romantic relationships, Lewis says he’s made peace with the fact that he may never find a woman to indulge his fantasies. “I usually get friend-zoned by women, which is okay, because most women think I’m gay for wanting to be pegged,” he said.

Seghetti lists a couple of dos and don’ts that a woman should remember when negotiating a pegging request with their partner. “Because it’s a sexual kink that most Indian couples don’t usually engage in, it’s important to negotiate the terms and conditions before pegging. It’s the woman’s responsibility to negotiate the terms with their partner, which should include telling her partner how she will go about it, how she intends to start, and informing him of the pace at which it will continue. Unless the man has been engaging in anal play for a while, a woman should make these things abundantly clear,” she said.

Seghetti stressed the importance of using lube on a small pegger, especially if it’s your first time engaging in pegging. “I usually advise women to use butt plugs because they’re safe and easier to navigate. [Only] once a man is accustomed to the butt plug should a woman migrate to using bigger dildos,” she said. 

Although Ray enjoys pegging as it allows her to tap into her alpha personality, she says the intention of a dominatrix is not to humiliate or hurt clients. “We don’t just turn them around and peg them. We study a client’s body language first – if he flinches, we stop, and don’t continue. The act isn’t pleasurable only to the man; it should also be to the woman. I never use a large pegger for a first session with a man; it’s usually the smallest size or a butt plug,” she said.

If data from the fifth edition of the National Family Health Survey  (NFHS-5) is to be believed, India has been in the grips of a sexual revolution of sorts for at least the past few years. According to a PTI report carried in The Print that quotes from the NFHS-5 that was conducted between 2019 and 2021, women, on average, have more sexual partners than men in 11 states and union territories in India, including Assam, Jammu and Kashmir, Kerala, and Madhya Pradesh. The state of Rajasthan has the highest number of women who, on average, had 3.1 sex partners against 1.8 for men. 

Raj Armani, co-founder of IMBesharam.com, an online adult toys store in India, isn’t surprised. He believes the numbers on his website add up and bolster the belief that now more than ever, women are taking charge of their sexual desires. “In 2023, so far, 55 percent of our revenue has come from the sale of products considered for women. Now, a majority of them are sex toys, and a minority of them are lubricants, gels, and creams. In February, about 64 percent of our revenue was from sex toys that women purchased. This is an unbelievable percentage. In fact, the term ‘pegging’ has ranked high on our search engine in the last two years,” he said.

Armani wants to help people who want to learn more about kinks and fetishes through his sex-positive website and via social media. “Our social media channels dole out useful information through sex guides, including how to use a pegging strap-on and other topics that users request. These guides are essential because sex toys are still not legally allowed to be sold in India, and so the manufacturer does not have the liberty to place a clear set of instructions on the boxes in which these products are shipped to customers. Social media is such a powerful tool, and it’s encouraging to see more and more people talking about sex,” he said. 

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