For some, “spit on me” may be a surprising, if not strange, thing to hear while having sex. After all, we normally spit in disgust, and saliva isn’t exactly perceived to be the most sanitary substance (especially in the, er, time of COVID).
But for many, the idea of spitting or being spat on is quite sexy.
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If you can’t quite swallow the idea of spit kinks yet, here are a few ways to get your mouth watering.
Sometimes, Spit Kink Is About Power; Sometimes It’s About Intimacy
A spit kink refers to the arousal a person experiences from spitting on a sexual partner, or having a sexual partner spit on them, said Gigi Engle, a London-based sex educator. The kink is usually related to consensual degradation play. Spitting at someone is conventionally seen as a sign of anger, hatred, or disrespect—and that’s part of why it can be so erotic.
“Often, what we find arousing is in direct conflict with what society says we can or can’t do,” Engle told VICE.
“Most of the time, spitting is a part of dom-sub degradation play,” Engle added. This means that the dominant partner can exhibit power and control by spitting on the submissive person, who might enjoy being degraded and humiliated during sex.
But wanting to spit or be spat on (or both) is not always about power play. Brooklyn-based sex educator Lola Jean said there can be a variety of reasons people feel aroused by spitting.
“A common assumption is that all spit play is humiliating, as we associate it with ‘spitting on someone,’ typically done in disgust. While humiliation can definitely be the draw, so can intimacy,” said Jean.
Spit, after all, is quite personal. Other people might just like the feeling of their partner’s fluid in their mouths or on their skin.
Jean added that, as with any kink, it’s important for people to understand why their partners are aroused by what they’re aroused by. If you don’t have a spit kink yourself, then knowing how spit makes your partner feel can help humanize their kink, “because we can relate to a feeling as opposed to an act.”
Don’t Just Spit in the Wind
Spit kinks can look different and have different dynamics, said Brooklyn-based pro-domme Mistress Shayla Lange. Understanding your partner’s motivations for spit can help you find the best way to, well, spit or be spat on.
Someone with a humiliation fetish might prefer faster, more aggressive, and conventionally disrespectful spitting. But someone with a softer and more adorational spit arousal, or someone who enjoys the feeling of fluids on their bodies, might desire slow, almost drool-like spit, “forming a very intimate sort of bridge between the two parties of ‘spitter’ and ‘spittee’,” Lange said.
It’s not always about having a “spit top” (the partner who spits) and a “spit bottom” (the partner spat on) either. To borrow from the rich gay sex lexicon (sexicon?), partners can also try being spit vers by spitting into each other’s mouths.
Of course, spit doesn’t always have to go into a partner’s mouth. Jean said that “really sloppy oral” can satisfy plenty of the cravings behind spit play, without feeling unnatural to the non-spit play enthusiast.
“If someone is into spit play, it doesn’t mean they want every activity involving spit, so ask them if there are certain moments they would want this, how they feel about swallowing or swapping back, and if there are certain body parts you should target or avoid,” said Jean.
Where Do You Get All That Spit?
Jean said that having something—like a lollipop, sour candies, or, yes, a finger (or several)—in one’s mouth can typically cause salivation. She also said that even just thinking about sour things can make your mouth water. More hydration and less salty or spicy foods throughout the day might also help.
To Spit or Not To Spit?
None of this is to say that you should spit or be spat on if it makes you severely uncomfortable. Spit isn’t for everyone, and while it’s nobody’s place to belittle or ridicule other people’s kinks, it’s also nobody’s place to force others into theirs.
“If your partner is into something you’re unfamiliar with or grossed out by, there’s always a compromise to ensure that both of you are getting what you need,” said Lange.
Here’s another way understanding the “why” behind the kink can help. Engle explained that there may be other ways to elicit the feelings your partner associates with spit, without having to actually spit or be spat on.
If your partner enjoys the humiliation from spitting, Engle said other forms of degradation—like spanking or hot wax—could also scratch the spit itch. Lange also suggested trying to verbally degrade your partner. If the spit kink is more of a “mark your territory” kind of thing, Lange suggested things like collaring. If it’s about intimacy, she said face-sitting might do the trick.
How To Spit Safely
Oral hygiene—before and after the spitting—might help some people feel more comfortable getting into the kink. But Jean and Lange were careful to note that spit play comes with risks, like STIs and, uh, COVID-19. It’s important, Lange said, to understand what pathogens can be passed via saliva, and to understand the risks that come with the kink.
There’s also the matter of consent, which Engle said is especially important when dealing with humiliation and degradation play. She advised having safe words to let partners know when something is no longer enjoyable.
What happens after the spitting is important, too.
“Take time for post-play aftercare—this is when you cuddle, talk, shower, etc., and decompress after an intense scene. Because degradation play can trigger feelings of shame, it’s important that you take steps to buffer and care for each other’s emotions,” said Engle.
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