Image by Sjef van Gaalen
A few years ago Gawker published a revealing report on Silk Road, a website on the Tor network that we’ve all come to know and love, which they claimed was nothing more than a hive for scum, villainy, and of course lots of counterfeit money, drugs, weapons, and other things that make our religious idols weep.
It wasn’t long before bloggers and reporters were screaming bloody murder because they had ordered and received two grams of decent quality Afghan hashish in their snail mail. Those brave souls who clicked some more and Googled some Tor addresses also bumped into websites of people claiming to be contract killers (“Solutions to common problems! No fish too big, no job too small!”), a bunch of Rule 34-affirming terrible porn (welcome to the ZooNecro-chan!) and of course a reasonably safe haven for kiddy fiddlers. Since then the Tor network has of course also been in the news for its great role in the workings of Wikileaks, Anonymous, and even the enabling power its anonymity brought rebels in the Arab Spring.
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But all this paints a picture that I feel is a little bit unfair. Even on the Tor network, not everything is hard-edged crime, drug deals, and cyber fugitives. Even there, hidden amongst the piles of shit, war, and filth of the human kind (I really didn’t need to know the kiddy porn wiki has a category named ‘hurtcore’), under the mud of human mental and social excrement lie gems of fluffy adorableness waiting to shine their light into the darkest corners of the darknet. Yes, even here the human desire for creativity and expression manifests itself! Therefore I present to you: some of the softer sides of the darknet.
Consider, for example, Silk Road merchant ChristineBeckley11. Self-described as a laid-back student trying to scrape some bitcoins together (at the time of writing, bitcoin probably wasn’t the cut-throat bubble business it is now) so she can buy some magic mushrooms. And what services might she offer? Does she sell her urine to fetishists? Extreme camgirl shows? Lord no. For ฿0.55 she’ll send you a beautiful, touching custom-made poem within 48 hours. Her only review even praises its artistic merit.
ChristineBeckley11’s assortment also offers fortune cookies (฿0.06) which, as it would seem, are pretty popular among folks who usually buy party packs of angel dust.
A merchant named BodyInAction sells everything the average Lance Armstrong could wish for, from growth hormones to EPO, all of course for the higher goal of self-improvement. The fact that BodyInAction’s ethical standards differ from the average lifestyle consultant doesn’t stop him from offering quality olive oil. After all, even the beefcake lifter lifestyle deserves the joys of a proper and tasteful frying pan lubricant.
“Appearance: Clear greenish golden yellow
Smell: A good fruity smell of olives, no vinegar or metal
Taste: Very clean and smooth olive taste, not pungent or bitter
Texture: Slightly thick and smooth
This is a very good oil, and I can only recommend it. On a scale of 10, I would give this oil a 9, but only because I prefer slightly pungent oils myself.
Would absolutely buy again.”
Considering anarchists and dealers on the internet aren’t commonly known for their excellent grammar and writing, we turn to merchant Apluspapers. In true Breaking Bad style, this English-teacher-gone-wrong offers his services as a ghostwriter for all your ads, as well as for university essays and theses up to the MA level (lazy college seniors, turn your ears). You see, it’s not only murderers, but also plagiarists that can profit from the anonymous internet. Which terminal disease has driven this seemingly soft-hearted man to such desperate acts of crime remains shrouded in mystery.
KJohn is a weathered seller of acid and medical marijuana, which also seems to have brought him closely in touch with the zeitgeist of this eon. His connectedness is expressed to the unsuspecting drug-shopping junk in prose from his own keyboard about the cosmic dawn of enlightenment which awaits us in the year 2013.
KJohn most likely never paid much attention to Notorious B.I.G.’s Ten Crack Commandments, of which number four tells us to “never get high on your own supply.” Alas, these warming words of hope and spiritual development are no doubt more encouraging to the average Silk Road buyer than the nihilistic ideas of a Hungarian spambot programmer.
Meanwhile, elsewhere on the Tor network someone started the website Bittit, a place where one can sell photos for bitcoins, or simply post them hoping for a donation. Why not use regular photo sharing services? Is this Flickr for those who are convinced Flickr is a system of capitalist oppression they need to escape from? Possibly it’s a special kind of exhibitionist who’ll only upload their photos to a website hidden at a seemingly random 16 digit URL. Or maybe they’re all just crypto warriors who’ve grown so accustomed to the darknet that they just don’t know better than obscure sites like these. Perhaps the uploaded photos can offer us a glimpse into their lives.
Among some rather nice landscape photography and cheesy pics of plush weed toys on someone’s couch, we find the gents in the bottom right corner. The uploader notes that “it was one of those kinds of parties.” That is was. The party lifestyle of the darknet is an epic one, and appears to include sweet homemade costumes of your favorite sci-fi characters.
By the way, the magnificent “crayfish shaking hands with Yoda while Dwayne Johnson looks on from wall” on the top left easily tops a lot of work seen at yearly art school final exams.
Thanks to the continuous support of the US Naval Research Laboratory, the Electronic Frontier Foundation and many NGOs, the Tor network can survive to support countries where freedom of press is not a given, or where panoptic censorship severely limits the freedom of speech online.
But on a smaller (and cuter) scale we also find rebels who fight the evil powers of oppressors. After a cease and desist by Hasbro Inc. in 2011 took down the famous My Little Pony repository ponyarchive.eu, where once one could view and enjoy all episodes of the animation series My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, it wasn’t long before in the dark recesses of the Tor network the alter ego YayPonies was born, still offering the same message of peace, friendship and ponies.
A cease and desist order concerning My Little Pony is pure internet poetry in itself, so to conclude this selection of wonder, a few words from that text:
“We therefore demand that you immediately remove
the archive pages and information from your website
as well as the direct downloads
and unlisted videos from YouTube.com,
and cease and desist from any further use of
the MY LITTLE PONY: FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC® property,
including the image of
the PINKIE PIE™ pony on your website,
and provide us with a written assurance
that in the future you will refrain from
any further unauthorized use of
the MY LITTLE PONY: FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC® property.”
I for one sleep more peacefully knowing that bitter internet criminals have a considerably increased chance of becoming peace-loving bronies thanks to the freedom fighters of YayPonies.
Read more about Onionland:
Traveling Down the Silk Road to Buy Drugs With Bitcoins
