Take Them For an ‘Ironic’ Valentine’s Date Where You Actually, and Here’s the True Irony, Actually Try Quite Hard

Would be quite fun to ‘do’ Valentine’s though, wouldn’t it? Not do Valentine’s, obviously, but like: go out, on Valentine’s, and perform the rituals and shapes of a Valentine’s date, but not obviously an actual Valentine’s date, because that would be— let’s not talk about that anyway here’s you opening the door for them (while sort of chuckling), and here’s the waiter bringing you the wine menu (you both sort of chuckle at this, like you share some vibrant gossip), and then you order a main that has a semi-saucy aphrodisiac ingredient (while chuckling) and buy a single rose from a rose seller the restaurant bought in for the night (you’re chuckling, while doing this) and now you’re both a bit gooey drunk and holding hands (no chuckling) and now you’re spooning chocolate mousse across the table into one another (this is no longer A Laugh) and now you’re asking, “Where next, what now?”, and they bite their lip, and it’s been a fair while since you had some urgent standing-up intercourse in a public toilet but here you are, doing that, quite loudly and without and irony at all, and then you both tuck everything back in and get an Uber and go back to theirs and do the whole thing all over again, two more times, pausing only briefly in between to eat a block of jelly (only thing mildly erotic in the fridge) off their naked body. What level of irony is this on? The seventh circle of irony? The eighth? Do you mean anything you do in your life?

IRONICALLY, YOU HAVE WON AT VALENTINE’S DAY