I Regret Not Ending My Relationship Earlier. Is It Too Late?

This article originally appeared on VICE Netherlands.

Ask VICE is a series where readers ask VICE to solve their problems, like how to deal with unrequited love or handle annoying flatmates. Today we’re hoping to help a reader who resents her partner and is wondering if they still have a future.

Hi VICE,

My boyfriend and I have been together since I was 16. I mean, I say “together” but we’ve had problems since day one. I know there are two sides to every story, but he’s mostly been the problem. 

For example, he struggled with saying I was his girlfriend in public for quite a while. He kept introducing me to his female friends as his “cousin”. He said it was a joke, but he kept it up for so long and never actually acknowledged we were a couple.

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg in terms of red flags: He’s forgotten my birthday almost every year, flirted with my closest girlfriends and never asked me to come along when he went out with his friends. I didn’t know where he was half the time, and there were rumours he was having sex with other women.

Weirdly, all of these things just made me fight harder to keep the relationship going. The worse he treated me, the more I wanted to convince him I was worth loving. We got together so young and grew up together, I felt like I couldn’t just give up on us. It sounds cliche, but I thought I could change him – and he actually did change.

We moved in together four years ago, and that made everything easier. I still didn’t know exactly what he was up to, but at least he got into bed with me every night. When the pandemic started, I could finally relax. I picked up old hobbies, landed a good job despite the crisis and started working out. I spent more time on myself and was much less obsessed with our relationship. My boyfriend mellowed out, too. He was home a lot more and suddenly took the time to think about his behaviour.

‘Good news’, you might think. But the more I’m living my own life and standing up for myself, the angrier I get at the way he used to treat me. I’ve actually kind of got the ick, but I feel it’s too late to break up now. He’s finally become the person I wished for this whole time, and he’s worked hard for it – it feels unfair to judge him on past behaviour. 

We also have a house, and we bought all the furniture together. We have a shared group of friends in an area where everybody knows each other – you can’t suddenly find new people to hang out with here, not that I’d want to. Leaving him seems to get more difficult by the day. I regret not doing it sooner, when I had the right to be mad and our lives weren’t completely intertwined. I’m also worried about how I felt so much more passion when things were bad between us – that doesn’t seem healthy.

Should I wait it out and see if my feelings come back? Or is lingering sadness a legitimate reason to end things – even if it’s logistically challenging?

Thanks,

P.

Dear P.,

Ending a relationship is a form of grief comparable to losing someone. When you’re with someone for a long time, you slowly but surely become tangled up with them – both emotionally and practically. When things end, all these bonds need to be untangled. It’s not an easy job, but you’re not the first or last person to go through this.

Before worrying about heartbreak, though, you should first decide if you actually want to end things. One thing is crystal clear: Your feelings are valid. Even if your partner has changed his behaviour, you’re always allowed to end a relationship – it’s not a binding contract. You don’t even need to have a clear reason, or be in a horrible relationship.

But just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. It’s not an easy decision to make and no one can make it but you. You could, though, start by asking yourself a few questions. What do you expect from a partner and are you able to communicate it? What do love and connection mean to you, and do you find them in this relationship? Do you feel like you’re allowed to take up space? What makes your relationship fun?

“First off, I’m really impressed that you listened to your gut and started actively following your own path,” says couples therapist Joey Steur from Praktijk de Liefde. “Now you’re living life for yourself, the next important step is for you to process your feelings of anger and sadness at your partner’s past behaviour.” That’ll create the mental space you need to make well thought-out decisions.

“Have you verbalised your feelings to your partner?,” asks Steur. “You fought really hard for this relationship. Is it possible that you expressed your sadness, at least initially, by fighting harder? And that instead of saying you were sad, you focused more and more on pleasing your partner?” 

Steur says it’s important to talk to him about the specifics of why you were hurt, too. Did you feel unimportant? Did you want to feel like he was proud of you, including in front of his friends? “Would you like him to acknowledge he hurt you and how unpleasant things were for you?” she continues. “Speak up and dare to be vulnerable – even if things are different now.” 

If you feel your partner has truly changed, you can open the discussion by acknowledging that. Then you can share your feelings and look for points of connection. “If you do decide to move forward together, can you create a space to feel the pain that remains together? This can help to deepen your bond, if that’s what you’re after,” Steur says.

If you can’t figure things out together, Steur suggests working on your own feelings – perhaps with a therapist. Whether you decide to stay in the relationship or not, unprocessed pain can show up unexpectedly when it doesn’t get resolved. This can cause issues in any future relationships, too. A therapist could also help you process your idea that there’s something unhealthy about you feeling more passionate when things were rocky, and figure out where your own patterns may stem from.

Steur says it’s important not to worry too much about whether you should end things or not. “Take the time to process everything,” she explains. “Maybe after that, you’ll feel more comfortable with the idea of ending things, or you might realise you want to give it another go.” 

In that case, you can take a step-by-step approach to share what’s important and work your way towards each other. Then it’s up to your partner to listen and respect it. “That can feel nerve-wracking, of course,” Steur adds. “There’s always a chance you’ll get hurt when you’re being vulnerable.” 

In Steur’s practice, she often sees couples who’ve been together since they were quite young, and have lost sight of each other. “Some couples find each other again when they learn to communicate and find ways to stay connected,” she says. “But, of course, there are also people who realise their needs don’t match up with their partner’s anymore.” 

Lastly, you mention having serious concerns about your housing situation. Those issues are absolutely real – being too broke to break up with your partner is increasingly common in this economy – but they shouldn’t be the decider. “Practical concerns will, of course, play a part in your decision, but ultimately it’s the emotional story that matters,” Steur concludes.

You can’t let these issues completely obscure the point of your life, either. If breaking up will ultimately make you happier, it’ll be worth it.