Can Creampies Keep You Young? A Hesitant Inquiry.

If you’re reading this, you’ve likely contemplated the ins and outs of getting nutted in. And maybe you’ve even let your mind traipse over to the potential health benefits. Or, you don’t know what a creampie is and you’re freaking out right now as it dawns on you that this is not the bombastic uncovering of the age-reversing benefits of whipped cream desserts you’d imagined two seconds ago.

The creampie is drenched in taboo. Its popularisation came directly from hardcore porn sometime in the early 2000s, and has now become its own extremely popular sub genre. 

It is a cutesie name for the internal cumshot. Sometimes called the antithesis of the facial, the creampie mimics the kind of Grand Finale that is more likely to happen in a real life Sex Act, then makes it sleazy. Seen in both heterosexual and homosexual porn, some directors even put fake cum on the hole, to better enhance the creampie effect. For your interest, there’s also an archived Google chat from January 26, 1999, which Wikipedia declares the earliest recorded mention of creampie.

Outside of porn, the creampie is all about what you can’t see: You are full of cum, or you have just filled your partner with cum. It’s barbaric. It’s carnal. To think of the creampie is to imagine early humans, before the pull-out method was invented. It’s to think of hasty, reckless, unprotected sex, or barebacking, and, if the kink fits, “breeding”. For some people, that is hot.

The question “Can creampies keep you young?” dawned on me one pretty Spring day as I hung my washing out on the line. I recalled an interview with Johnny Sins last year, when he expressed his theory of eternal youth. “I think having sex every day, or at least an orgasm every day, is the secret,” he told me. “Because you’re tricking your body into thinking it's doing what you were put there to do: reproduce.”

I never once questioned this theory. It made complete sense to me. And who isn’t looking for an excuse to fuck or at least cum every day, anyway? 

So here’s the theory: if having unprotected sex [SAFELY AND CONSENSUALLY] and getting nutted in on the regular is basically simulating the whole process of reproduction up to the point of sperm-enters-egg, can it keep you young? Is there a research base for the health benefits of getting nutted in? What are the health benefits of having sex or at least cumming every day? 

I asked science.

The lovely people at La Trobe University’s Australian Research Centre in Sex, Health and Society (ARCSHS)  said “as far as we’re aware, there isn’t any research specifically on the health benefits of daily sexual activity”.

My colleague suggested I also probe whether you can stave off “cluckiness” [no scientific word] – the illogical desire to make babies when it goes against everything you know to be true (the entire world is falling apart, nearing your late 20s on a below 70k salary, casually dating a multidisciplinary artist and renting a room for $300 a week without a hope of owning a home in the next 300 years [not me but many of you]) – by having heaps of sex.

The ARCSHS said “We aren’t aware of any research on the effects of sex on reproductive desire, and don’t have any academics currently who could speak to this topic”. And at this point I was hesitant to bring creampies into the fore.

Now frenzied in my bullshit quest for answers, I turned to the sexologists. Georgia Grace, resident sex coach at Australian vibrator brand Normal, had answers.

“I’m not a doctor, and I’m not a dermatologist,” she said. “We can see that a lot of people may say something like, ‘oh, semen and sperm will help you look youthful’, we’ve even seen over the years people saying putting semen on your face, or letting someone cum on your face will make your skin glow… But in the very limited research I’ve done into this, it’s suggested otherwise, it’ll actually make your skin break out.”

“I think it’s a crock of shit.”

This was not unanticipated. The question, after all, came from the horror chamber of a broken mind with no grasp on biology as it attempted to rationalise the existence of creampies.

Grace said, “Let's unpack this idea of the biological urge.”

“There is no real evidence to suggest that men or women or any gender really has an innate biological urge. Rather, this urge or this desire to procreate is based on years and years and years, centuries of social and cultural conditioning that can feel so hardwired in how we think and feel about relationships and our future that it may feel innate in us, it might feel like this sort of full-body yearning and desire.”

“However, there is no evidence to suggest that it is biological. So instead of looking at it as being biology, we need to unpack, understand, examine and even challenge all of the social and cultural conditioning that is telling us that it is innate within a specific gender.”

While I find myself grateful that it isn’t biological, the fact it’s socially conditioned is worse. No one is to blame but ourselves. We live in a society…

Grace also warned the flip side of this thought experiment could be harmful – that if we assume people are having heaps of sex will make them not want children, it could lead into sex shaming or slut shaming stigma.

“If we suggest that the more sexual partners you have will affect this innate desire for you to procreate and have kids, it’s essentially saying that if a woman has lots of sexual partners then she won't want to be a mother. That's really dangerous, and it's really harmful messaging.” 

Also, “It’s statistically not proven. There's nothing to even suggest that that is likely to happen. Rather, it would be a very individual experience and desire and choice whether someone wants to be a parent or not.”

Finally, the one we’ve all been waiting for.

First, Grace said, you shouldn’t strive for achieving an “O” every day. You don’t necessarily need to climax to receive the health benefits of sex. Setting up some kind of regime where you need to have sex or at least cum every day is potentially incredibly toxic and also just really hectic. 

“Some benefits of experiencing orgasm and having sex can be stress relief,” Grace said.

“When you experience orgasm, your body is flooded with all these feel good neuro-chemicals, oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin, and that can ease a sense of stress. It can support you in feeling more connected and more present with your own body, but also more connected and present with other people as well.”

“In recent years, there's been research and studies to suggest that sex can ease pain, specifically menstrual cramps. A lot of people will say that when they are experiencing intense menstrual cramps, they will decide to have sex or masturbate so that they can create that sense of ease in their body. Masturbating or having sex or learning about how to experience orgasm in your body can teach you a lot about pleasure.”

Also, it feels good!

And that should be enough, Grace said. 

“As human beings, we have all of these rich nerve endings in our bodies, and we live in a world that is so focused on being busy and productive. But we have bodies and we have flesh and it can just feel really fun and nice to experience orgasm.” 

However, she said, it’s only really fun and nice when we’re not being rigid and weird about it, like, must. have. sex. every. day.

“It can be just as stressful and harmful to need to have an orgasm every single day, for our overall sense of our health and well being, rather than just having or experiencing orgasms or having sex with ourselves or with others when we actually want to.”

Ultimately, nothing has been proved here. It’s probably more psychological than biological. If creampies make both you AND your partner happy, that’s really all that matters.

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