Wrestlemania Theme Songs, Reviewed

This Sunday, the biggest event in Sports Entertainment, Wrestlemania 30 takes place at the Mercedes-Benz Superdome in New Orleans. Around eight matches (card always pending to change because WRESTLING IS NOT FIXED FUCK YOU DAD) will take place over four hours, finishing storylines and creating legends (plus Batista will try to wrestle without dying of exhaustion). It’s going to be great. With that in mind, for the casual or even the “forced into it by my roommate/significant other” fan, you need something to attach yourself to in order to make it through the night. What better way to do that than to get primed and ready for the wild variety of theme songs and entrances that will be gracing your TV/computer/illegal stream that won’t stop buffering? With that in mind, I took several hours and broke down some of the best and most important entrance songs of wrestlers participating in the 30th edition of the Showcase of the Immortals.

Quick note about the scoring system: every song has been scored out of 5 Stone Cold Stunners, named after, of course, Stone Cold Steve Austin. The songs themselves were the main source of scoring, but bonus points were added or subtracted where appropriate given context, entrance sequences, or whatever else popped into my head.

Hulk Hogan – “Real American” Who is this? Ok, what about his song? 5.0 Stunners
Anything else? nWo theme -0.5 Stunners
Rating: The Real Americans – “Patriot” Who is this? wicked mustache Ok, what about their song? 3.5 Stunners
Anything else? Rating: AJ Lee – “Light It Up” Who is this? Ok, what about her song? 0.5 Stunners
Anything else? Rating: Big Show – “Crank It Up” Who is this? Ok, what about his song? 2 Stunners
Anything else? +0.5 Stunners
Rating: Fandango – “ChaChaLaLa”

Who is this? Ok, what about his song? 4.5 Stunners
Anything else? -1 Stunner
Rating: The Shield – “Special Op” Who is this? Ok, what about his song? 3.5 Stunners
Anything else? +1 Stunner
Rating:

HALFTIME BREAK!

CM Punk – “Cult of Personality” Who is this? Ok, what about his song? screamo-metal theme 4 Stunners
Anything else? +0.5 Stunners
Rating: John Cena – “My Time Is Now” Who is this? Ok, what about his song? 1.5 Stunners
Anything else? recent prank call +1 Stunner
Rating: Bray Wyatt – “Live In Fear”

Who is this? Ok, what about his song? 4 Stunners
Anything else? +1 Stunner
Rating: Brock Lesnar – “Next Big Thing”

Who is this? Ok, what about his song? 3.5 Stunners
Anything else? +0.5 Stunners
Rating: The Undertaker – “Rest. In. Peace”

Who is this? Ok, what about his song? 4 Stunners
Anything else? +1 Stunners
Rating: Batista – “I Walk Alone”

Who is this? Ok, what about his song? Anything else? Rating: Randy Orton – “Voices”

Who is this? Ok, what about his song? Anything else? shitted in a bag one time Rating: Daniel Bryan – “Flight Of The Valkyries” Who is this? Ok, what about his song? 2.5 Stunners
Anything else? +1 Stunner
Rating: Triple H – “King of Kings”

Who is this? Ok, what about his song? 4.5 Stunners
Anything else? +1 Stunner but then -1 Stunner
Rating:

And finally, even though he’s not involved in Wrestlemania 30, we couldn’t end this without good ol’ Steve Austin.

Stone Cold Steve Austin – “I Won’t Do What You Tell Me”

Who is this? gave Mike Tyson the finger drove a beer truck up to the ring just to fuck with people Ok, what about his song? 4 Stunners
Anything else? +2 Stunners
Rating:

Luis Paez-Pumar loves wrestling like a fat kid loves cake. He’s on Twitter – @paezpumarL