This Settles It, Guys, Beyoncé Is Too Perfect To Be A Human

It feels like Beyoncé has been around forever. She was there pumping through the speakers as you circumvented cross-gender interaction to the sound of Destiny’s Child’s “Survivor” at the school disco; she was there to accompany the naive euphoria of your tween crushes with “Crazy in Love”; and she was there to pave over the destruction of a generation’s worth of hearts with “Listen”. Then she was there to help women embrace their ass-kicking independence with “Who Run The World? (Girls)”.

Twenty years later and Beyoncé is still here, still releasing albums, still touring, still Beyoncé. In fact, when you think about how Beyoncé’s almost impeccable career is still going strong, how her talent and longevity never wane, it seems inhuman; as though she wasn’t conceived through fertile means, but immaculately, in a test-tube, for the purposes of fame. And when you consider that the Beyoncé of Survivor is markedly different to the Beyoncé of Lemonade, it’s as though she isn’t a sentient entity, but a congregation of molecules engineered to adopt the form of an indestructible pop star. Think about it: her shape-shifting prowess is too divine to have been born from natural causes.

So, then, comes the truth. For us to accept our own inferiority, we must acknowledge that Beyoncé is no longer human. Like the flesh-eating tyrannosaurus in Jurassic Park, Dolly the Sheep, and Avril Lavigne, Beyoncé is a clone. She is not Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter, she is a refined construct of divine stem cells.

I know that’s a lot to take in. But hold up and let me explain, because this story contains more layers than a Lemonade thinkpiece…

BEYONCE’S TALENT WAS TOO VALUABLE TO LOSE

According to a slew of reliable sources like WTF WAKE THE FREEDOM, Beyoncé’s career was going so swimmingly in the 00s, that the singer’s team of producers decided it would be smart and logical to extract some of her stem cells, and store them. That way, if there was an emergency, a Beyoncé clone could be created.

For a few years, the music industry’s clone-a-pop-star project sat in a mini-fridge in a record executive’s glass-roomed office. Then disaster struck; in 2010, Beyoncé died. Obviously there is very little information available online about how she died, because the details have likely been encrypted, put on a USB stick, locked in a steel-encased safe, and dropped to the bottom of the ocean, only to be gradually leaked by anarchist YouTube accounts, but the point is – Beyoncé perished. Never to be seen again. Not even at Christmas.

The Beyoncé clone – let’s call her ‘the clone’ – then seamlessly entered the world, strutting into her role as a consummate Beyoncé. To the untrained eye, ‘the clone’ replicated Beyoncé so well that it was impossible to notice a difference between ‘the clone’ who was singing “Who Run The World” and Beyoncé, who now lay in the cold, wormy soil. Except, of course, there was. Because as soon as ‘the clone’ replaced Beyoncé, it started to leave clues and slip up. And it’s these small malfunctions that give credence to the alternative Beyoncé story, which is that she died and was replaced with a shiny next generation clone. So then, to evidence #1.

SASHA FIERCE IS BORN

Is it a mere coincidence that Beyoncé started referring to her alter ego “Sasha Fierce” around the same time that she is supposed to have died and been replaced by an imposter clone? As informative website Now The End Begins so kindly points out, Beyoncé has said “I have someone else that takes over when it’s time for me to work and when I’m on stage, this alter ego that I’ve created that kind of protects me and who I really am.”

“Alter ego” or a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON?! I think we all know the answer to that question, but in case you’re not completely sure, here’s evidence #2.

HER FACE HAS CHANGED OVER TIME

In case it’s not clear, the Beyoncé on the left is Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter. The Beyoncé on the right is a meticulously-crafted collection of molecules. Why? Because Beyoncé was seen smiling in 2010, but she wasn’t smiling as much six years later, which is very suspect when you remember that smiles are continuous and everlasting.

Not entirely convinced? Well, consider the fact that the Beyoncé of 2010 had a side parting, while the Beyoncé of 2016 had a middle parting, meaning that they must be different people because, as everyone knows, once you choose a parting you must keep that parting for life. Even when you’re wearing a weave. You cannot just go back and change your mind. Which brings us to evidence #3…

SHE FAKED HER PREGNANCY

During the summer of 2011, Beyoncé announced her pregnancy to the world, kick-starting an avalanche of rosy-cheeked appearances on the red carpet and public love-ins with Jay Z. But, somewhere along the line, little mishaps began to occur, leading people (mainly daytime TV host Wendy Williams) to suspect that her pregnancy had been faked.

To start with, she kept getting the dates wrong. In one interview, she announced that her baby was due in February, but in a much earlier video, she claimed it was due in January. Obviously, real non-cloned humans don’t forget things. Real non-cloned humans remember specific months and dates as if they are etched into their minds with a metaphorical carving knife.

Then came the infamous appearance on Australia’s Sunday Night, where her “pregnant” stomach folded and crumpled like a little puff pastry taken out of the oven too soon. “Does fabric not fold?” she asked, by way of explanation. Erm, yes clone lady, BUT PREGNANT STOMACHS DON’T! Pregnant stomachs are like impenetrable boulders which have been encased in layers of steel.

“But why would she fake her pregnancy?” I hear you ask. Well, rumor has it that beady-eyed fans were beginning to clock onto the existence of ‘the clone’. What better way to make ‘the clone’ look more real, more human, than to make her appear pregnant? Because while we can clone humans, technology hasn’t advanced to the point that it clone the parts that make more humans. So a pregnancy was magicked out of thin air to distract from the real drama at hand: the music industry had cloned a pop star. Still not convinced? Let me present to you, dear reader, evidence #4…

SHE NEARLY FELL OVER AT THE SUPER BOWL

Beyoncé’s halftime performance at this year’s Super Bowl was incredible, although it wasn’t exactly ~flawless~ because at one point, the singer was seen almost falling over before she saved herself and reclaimed her balance. The thing is… would the real Beyoncé have nearly fallen over during her own dance routine? This seems unlikely, because as we know, Beyoncé never falls over, and thus this new clumsy Beyoncé is a clone. Think that’s a bit unfair? This isn’t about fairness. This is about stone cold facts and irrefutable truths.

So, then, to our final piece of evidence. The hook, line, and sinker in this damning report of 21st century cloning. Evidence #5.

SHE IS STILL MARRIED TO JAY Z, EVEN THOUGH HE NOW DRESSES LIKE SOMEONE’S UNCLE

Image by everyskyline via Wikimedia

Out of all the evidence I have just presented, this one is perhaps the most damning. Yes, Jay Z is one of the most successful artists of all time, and yes he’s probably a nice bloke too, but look at this photo right here. He is wearing a checkered cowboy shirt, which he has unbuttoned to reveal a white v neck underneath. His expression is one of pacified delight, similar to how your uncle might look at you when you tell him that you spent the whole weekend applying to business courses, when you actually took so much MDMA that you broke into your neighbor’s house and rearranged all their DVDs in alphabetical order just to be nice.

Now, think about this question long and hard, and answer truthfully: would the real Beyoncé still be with someone who wears glasses that look like they should be referred to as “spectacles”? Would the real Beyoncé – who has a face so perfectly symmetrical that you could spin it 360 degrees like a wheel and it would look the same from all angles – be able to meet any man that is actually good enough for her? No, she would not, and therefore the secret behind their 15 year relationship is not love and compromise, but lies and deceit, because the Beyoncé who is still married to Jay Z is actually a clone and thus does not care if she is punching below her weight. Think about it, and you will see it makes sense.

So there you have it – some straight-up, conclusive proof that the Beyoncé we know and love is, in fact, a clone. I am aware that believing this theory may cause you to question the very foundations of existence as you know it, but sometimes the truth looks a million times weirder than the lie. Sometimes the truth does not exist within academic papers or scientific research, but on YouTube videos filmed on someone’s decade-old, blurry-screened webcam and put together on Powerpoint. Sometimes you have to accept that if Beyoncé seems too talented and indestructible to be human, it’s because she is. We can never be Beyoncé, because she has been cloned. Who Runs The World? Not girls. Clones.

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