Coachella is upon us, and this year festival-goers are finally getting what they’ve been waiting for: Bey fuckin’ yonce. Considering she had to cancel last Coachella, has she’s since given birth to twins, and has set a pretty high bar for live performances, we have some totally and completely reasonable predictions for what’s going to happen when she performs Saturday night at Coachella. Hold onto your flower crowns, because if even one of these things happens, yaaaas kweens, it’s going to be one craaaazy weekend.
BTW if even one of these predictions does come true, you owe the Noisey staff $100. We accept Venmo.
Videos by VICE
- Have you seen the part of Game of Thrones when Ned Stark’s head gets chopped off? Basically that.
- Launch a rocket into space, because Elon Musk is not cool!
- Perform heart transplant surgery while doing the “Single Ladies” dance
- Convince everyone to Venmo her a dollar
- Perform from the moon
- Surprise Destiny’s Child set
- Surprise Steve Harvey tribute set even though he’s still alive
- Do a new rendition of Carmen: the Hip-Hopera with Tiffany Haddish
- Five words: Austin Powers in Goldmember reunion
- Surprise Hurricane Harvey tribute set that features Houston greats including Trae The Truth, Megan The Stallion, Slim Thug, and Bun B
- Save bees from extinction
- Dance in front of a 3D screening of Annihilation
- Reveal herself to be the distant love child of Judas (from the Bible [yes, that the Bible])
- Finally chastise her fanbase for never supporting her mother’s apparel line, House of Deréon (RIP)
- Fall off the stage (again) and look good doing it
- Durational noise set (We can dream)
- Hologram Tupac?
- Hologram Lil Xan??
- Hologram Michael Jackson???
- Hologram Jesus?????
- Summon Prince from the beyond (not a hologram)
- Stage a director’s cut screening of Lemonade
- Be a huge rebel and light a blunt even though the festival has banned weed like a bunch of DORKS!
- Fly
- Break the sound barrier
- Teleport
- Levitate
- Raise the dead, but only the good ones. (Eat shit, Nancy Reagan!)
- Start a cult.
- Do a Jonestown-type of thing, because if there’s anyone who could do it…
- Let the twins sing, which they can do very well, even though they are babies.
- Let Blue spit a verse
- Bring back the Noid from the Domino’s Pizza commercials
- Beat Super Mario Brothers 2 for NES without using the unlimited one-up code
- Do a dramatic reading of Hermione’s monologue from Winter’s Tale
- Bring out Louie Anderson as his character from Baskets
- Baptize the entire crowd
- Speak in tongues
- Turn water into wine
- Descend into hell
- Ascend into heaven
- On the third day, rise again
- Free Bobby Shmurda
- Debut Serena Williams’s new rap album
- Bring out the Obama family, dogs included
- Bring out Oprah, Solange, and all her superfriends
- Announce a new album and record it on the spot
- Announce another pregnancy. It’s triplets this time
- Announce a run for president
- End Scientology
- Record an Earth, Wind, and Fire cover that’s actually good
- End all existing beefs in the rap world
- Bring JAY Z out
- Tell JAY Z she’s bringing him out, but then not bring JAY Z out
- Tell JAY Z to stop changing the styling of his name because most music bloggers just can’t keep track of the whole hyphen/no hyphen thing
- Make the Beyhive stop hating JAY Z
- Sing a duet with Cardi B that ends in the release of a Beyoncé/Cardi single
- Fart, but like, real melodically, making farts cool and glamorous from now on
- Tell everyone to punch the person to their left in the face
- Let Solange fight people
- Bring out Big Freedia, Solange, and all her superfriends
- Reveal who bit her
- Unzip her Beyoncé suit and reveal that she’s actually three smaller Beyoncés stacked on top of each other
- Play “Freebird”
- Play “Stairway to Heaven” backwards
- Order Popeye’s for the whole crowd
- Deliver a TED Talk
- End music
- Release the pee tape.
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