Hey Man: What's the Healthiest Way to Move On From My Ex?

Hey man, my relationship ended recently and I'm feeling a bit lost. What's the healthiest way to move on from someone?

Hey man, singlehood is different, isn’t it? A relationship carries routine and expectation: there’s work and there’s spending time with your partner, sometimes even their family. Sure, you see  your mates occasionally and  they say things like, ‘Oh, how’s the ball and chain?’ in a lighthearted, well-meaning way. (Banter, it’s called.) But archaic, bad-vibe lad references aside, you quite like it. It’s quite nice to be reminded you’re in a relationship. 

Everything can feel fun and stable and great. The person gives you life and purpose. They help you not go on the piss every day and wash your bedding more than once a month. And you think you might even love them. And then it’s gone, severed like your trust in a shop’s opening times when the lights are unexpectedly not on. You’ve been left outside alone, as Anastasia would say. So, how to stop feeling so shit? Let’s start by understanding the break up process.

“Relationships are attachments. When one comes to an end, what we’re feeling is a sense of abandonment,” says Peter Saddington, relationship counsellor at Relate. For some people it can even feel like bereavement. As with grieving, there's stages to a break up too. There's shock, there’s trying to make sense of why this happened, there are the obsessive regrets over doing and saying, or not doing and not saying. And there’s often anger. “To some extent, anger allows us to start moving out of the grieving cycle and look ahead. It leads to the final stage of acceptance,” continues Saddington. “The pace at which these happen is different for everyone.”

The healthiest way to get yourself through this time is by “being compassionate, and practical with your goal of enjoying singledom,” says counsellor and therapist, Dan Stanley.  “Men often think their mindset is something they wake up in the morning with, or like a battery that dissipates throughout the day, but it’s not true. We can decide to frame things positively.” Of course, we can’t choose to be happy, but we can make a concerted effort not to dwell on the past or give ourselves such a hard time.

Stanley points out that these bleak feelings can arise at the end of the relationship for all participants, the dumpee (of course) but also the dumper. “Depression is often about ruminating, procrastinating, or regretting past actions or inactions, while anxiety is more future based, it’s the phenomena of feeling uncertainties and unknowns, and those thoughts causing a nervous energy,” says Stanley. “Poor mental health can also be brought on by lifestyle factors.”

Just because you’ve made the decision to end a relationship, doesn’t mean life’s problems are solved. Sometimes the separation exposes them more - much like when you move your sofa from the wall and find all sorts of crap underneath. Not to objectify your ex as a sofa, of course. But anyway, let’s get to the practical bits on how to feel more normal again. 

“If you're still trying to make sense of what happened, talking about it will help you process the information,” says Saddington. Speak to a mate, someone you trust, and go through the ups and downs, the lefts and rights, maybe even the ins and outs. (Nothing too personal about the other person though.) Speak about whatever is on your mind and allow yourself to get a real sense of the situation; you need this to even begin thinking about moving forward. 

Learning how to accept your feelings, even if they seem alien or ridiculous to you, is another essential step. “It’s common for our thoughts to fall out of sync with what we're feeling," says Saddington. Maybe you know you'll be fine because people break up all the time, but somehow you don't feel okay - that’s the lack of sync we’re talking about. It’s all about learning how to process and accept your emotions. It may take a while to get sorted in your noggin, but it’ll happen eventually.   

“Another good tip is to write down reasons why life might be better single,” says Stanley. “Putting your thoughts on pen and paper makes them become a lot more real.” This might feel difficult, but surely there are some things you disliked about the relationship? Did you make compromises that held you back? Start with those.

There’s even a case for swerving thoughts of your new situation altogether.  “Distraction isn't a bad thing”, says Saddington. “At least temporarily, while you’re spending more time thinking about it than is wise.” So, go see your mates, play the N64 all evening, watch the football, and just escape for a bit. 

Beyond the distractions, or perhaps as part of them, seek out a new project. “There's nothing more vital to becoming a better version of ourselves than a fresh challenge, ” says Stanley. That could be running a half marathon, or choosing to read a certain number of books. It could be anything that you do purely for your own enjoyment - as long as it isn’t too short-sighted.

"For some, it's a good time to focus more on work,” adds Saddington. Engaging in the activities you enjoyed before, or outside, your relationship is a good way to remind yourself that you value other areas of your life.

Of course, moving on healthily also means doing less of the unhealthy stuff. “A lot of men think rebounds are the way out of feeling upset, and it's often how their friends will encourage them to heal,” says Saddington. “But if you’re still feeling upset or lost, you're clearly not in the right headspace for that just yet. It’s thought that it takes on average two years for people to have fully moved on.” So, try your best not to force it, yeah? It doesn’t tend to end well, especially for the other person.

Next up, is accepting what part you played in the relationship ending. “Men often blame the other person, as opposed to giving themselves a chance to reflect on what actually went wrong,” says Saddington. He highly advises us to avoid this. For starters, it’s just outright negative and won’t help anyone. But also, if we can figure out how our actions impacted the relationship (even if they weren’t bad or something we’re willing to compromise on) it helps us to avoid similar behaviour in future. 

“Men quite often drown their sorrows, too,’ says Saddington. “But it’s a really bad idea and often leads to doing, or saying, something you regret.” Admit it, we’ve all sent a stupid message while pissed. And how often does getting obliterated make you feel better long-term? “Alcohol is a depressant, so ultimately it makes us more likely to have negative feelings and thoughts.” So yeah, a few pints in the distraction phase is alright, just don’t be making a habit out of it - and maybe delete all apps that allow a dreaded DM slide. 

Undeniably, the end of a relationship can feel like a seismic event. A checkpoint. A crossroads. The time and space our ex used to occupy can start to feel vast and empty; like we’ve wound up further away from our life than we’re supposed to be, like we’re lost. But as you know deep down, we almost always find a way to move on eventually. Even if the path back to the land of feeling alright seems impossibly steep at the beginning. 

"The hardest thing for men is asking for help,” says Saddington. “But if you ask for help and say that you're struggling, you'll get support and you'll get through this much quicker." Hopefully this is your starting point, man - trust me, you’ll get there. Best wishes. 

@_rhysthomas_