Help! I'm Obsessed With This Vibrating Dildo Bouncy Ball

New York City is so dense that at any given moment your neighbors could be fighting, knitting, or printing counterfeit money; a single brownstone could contain a loving family, a vengeful chef, and someone mounting a bouncy ball dildo like a mechanical bull on an otherwise quiet Monday night. 

I speak from experience, at least when it comes to the latter. As someone who has tested a small dragon’s hoard of sex toys for VICE, I’ve seen Shrek butt plugs, AI rabbit vibrators, and tentacle dildos that would make James Cameron weak in the knees. But I had never before seen a sex toy like the Inflatable Hot Seat, which so effortlessly combined three of my favorite things: bouncy balls, dildos, and stupid-hot novelty items:

Initially, I came across the Hot Seat while researching some far more elaborate and expensive sex machines for this VICE article, which features a bunch of thrusting vibrators, butt plugs, and dildos; they were impressive sundries, but nothing stuck in my mind quite like the schlong bouncy ball and what it would look like next to my Eames chair dupe. 

This chimera of a sex toy—half seat, half vibrator—tapped into my nostalgia for inflatable furniture that all horny millennials have had ever since that purple Britney Spears blow-up chair hit the streets in the early 2000s (IYKYK); it looked playful, easy enough to use, and it seemed to ask life’s more important questions, such as, “What if you could ride your dildo into the sunset?” 

I had to procure one and see for myself what this radical invention could offer. Let the Sade play, and let’s go have a ball. 

Remember the vibe of sex shops in the 90s? The shared cultural moodboard was delightful skeezy, covered in cheap body glitter, endowed with thin eyebrows, and wrapped-up in a dollar store Basic Instinct energy. It was perfection… and exactly what I got from the bouncy ball’s packaging. Just look at this 90s Hot Seat ambassador; she doesn’t know what Bitcoin is, and she doesn’t need to. She’s busy.  

It was also fitting that I unboxed the contraption on the first day of May, when everyone else was dressing up for the Hunger Games ball Met Gala in over-the-top attire, because the ball’s deflated state kind of looks like an oversized beret by Emma Brewin.  

“Oh, that’s evil. That’s so evil.” I thought once I stopped styling the Hot Seat like a cavalier hat, and realized there was no pump provided to blow it up. The good news, however, is that if you’ve ever blow-up a pool floaty, you can blow up the Hot Seat. It took me about 15 minutes to inflate, and I kind of didn’t mind it; I could hear the ghost of Mae West yelling at me, “Put your jaw into it, Buster!” Soon, I was ready to ride.

The Hot Seat had the same, new plastic-y smell of a just-unboxed mattress. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t the horny vanilla bean BB vibes I was going for, so I washed the dildo portion off with a little soap and warm water, which you should do with all of your sex toys anyway, and decided to roll an XL LELO condom over the shaft. The Swedish sex toy line’s highly rated luxury condoms are lightly lubricated, and have a neutralized latex scent with a whisper of vanilla.

The Hot Seat says it can fit up to 300 pounds, which is tight. I weigh about 130 pounds, and slid onto it with relative ease, even though I felt a little clumsy at first. Once sturdily mounted, I felt like a slutty rodeo star in the best way possible. The handles weren’t really necessary, but I appreciated the dial remote for adjusting the dildo’s vibrations, which was so much more seamless to use than buttons would have been:

OK, let’s talk specs: this is a 6-inch dildo with no curve and all girth. Many vibrators will favor a curved shape for targeting your G-spot, which is tight, but the nature of the way you will hump and grind on this blow-up ball means you’re likely going to be leveraging your body back and forth to stimulate your G-spot like a hands-free magician. At least, that’s how I felt when I climaxed. 

You’re going to need two AA batteries for the remote, which isn’t a drawback, but it is something that I wish was written in size 84 font on the box.  

It would also be really cool to have hydraulics in the next model. Nothing too high-tech, but something in-between the level of engineering you get from the animatronics at the Universal Studios Jurassic Park ride and an electric hospital bed.  

TL; DR: There are a lot of smart sex toys out there, but let’s not forget about the stupid-hot novelty ones, too. This vibrating, inflatable Hot Seat dildo bouncy ball felt like a throwback 90s sex-shop dream for anyone who grew up humping pillows/the edges of washing machines, and drooling over the idea of owning blow-up furniture. As a piece of sex furniture, it’s accessible, discreet, and compact (just deflate it to store it), and as an objet, it’s one hell of a good time. What more could you ask for? 

Purchase the Fetish Fantasy Inflatable Hot Seat at Lovehoney and Amazon. 

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