Loni Love Talks About Her Weird Real World Guide to Dating

Image courtesy of Simon & Schuster.

Where most comedians deal with drunks and hecklers, Loni Love often finds herself bombarded with audience members asking her for relationship help—she's become so well-known among women and gay men for her hilarious routines about sex and love that people ask her for advice. Recently, Loni decided it was time to compile all her advice in one place: Love Him or Leave Him, But Don’t Get Stuck with the Tab, her new book recently published by Simon & Schuster. Unlike most boring dating guides, this amazing book provides conventional wisdom on weird real world topics people actually deal with when they're dating dudes—you know, stuff like anal sex and dating guys named Skillet. Last week, I called Loni to talk about small dicks, the inspiration for her book, and why some liquors make women mistake Flavor Flav for Denzel Washington.

VICE: What was the straw that made you decide that it was time to write a dating advice book? 
Loni Love: I just wanted to give a woman’s perspective about love and relationships. I think we have a lot of men out there who’ve written books, especially comedians. So I wanted to give a female perspective as well as a funny perspective.

Do the guys you date worry you're going to make fun of them in your act?
Especially if they have a little penis, yeah.

In your book you talk a lot about how you love to drink. But in one of your routines you say brown liquor will make girls think Flavor Flav looks like Denzel Washington. What should people drink on dates?
First of all, you need to have a limit when you go out, especially for the first date. No more than two alcoholic drinks and keep them light drinks. If you’re like me, you can go over to the dark liquor side, because I can handle that.

What are some warning signs that you think women tend to ignore?
If you’re on a date and his conversation is all sexual—all he’s doing is talking about sex and sexual things—that’s a warning sign. If he’s constantly looking at his phone. If he actually answers it, I think that’s rude. Also, see how he orders. Does he order first and just leave you out? Does he ask what you want? He should be a gentleman.

What do you think of Kim and Kanye as a couple?
I like Kim. I think she’s hired more black men than the federal government. I think those two are made for each other—they both like attention; they both crave it. I can imagine they text each other, “Where you at? Where you at?” I think that’s an example of two people who are made for each other.

In your book you have a lot of advice for people dating their ex’s family members. Does that really come up?
Yeah! It happens all the time.

That’s crazy…
Yeah, it is crazy. But this is what I’m saying! It’s a new day when it comes to dating. We’ve been hiding a lot of things, and the thing that I like about this book is that it opens stuff up. It may seem like it’s far out, but I just replied to how many people who were like, “Yeah I was wondering, I wanted to date my boyfriend’s brother…”

So when can I stop shaving my legs in a relationship?
You can never stop shaving, because your legs are probably hairy. And that would hurt that man. [Laughs.] I mean there are some guys who don’t mind hairy legs.

Should a guy still be paying on my first date, or should I expect to be splitting a check from now on because I’m a feminist and a modern lady?
I think on a first date you should offer to pay half, but if he says you should, you should not deal with him, because he’s a cheap ass.

What's the main lesson you want your readers to learn about dating? 
Basically, it’s the title of my book, because I wanted to make a statement to women. I don’t care what you do. You can be with him or don’t, but don’t get stuck with any tab. The tab is a metaphor for problems: unwanted pregnancy, diseases, power bills, mortgages, whatever. Just don’t get stuck with anything. Love yourself first.

@The_Sample_Life

Previously – No Matter What I Do, I Feel the Pain