When You Gotta Stay Awake

The Shark has been to SXSW five times and has yet to sleep a wink in Austin. That’s just the way he rolls, buzzing around town like Richard Pryor on a three-day stem-bender. Record executives and high-rolling group publishers love to get rooms at the Four Seasons for relaxing tub soaks and breakfast in bed, but that is pointless. You need to be out mingling with the people every minute of every day, making deals and pressing the flesh. Sharky’s advice is crucial when pushing through the long days of tedium to the extravagant late-night VIP parties, where the decadence would make Weimar Republicans blush. Keep in mind: Winks are for kids. 

1. Avoid conversations dominated by the same outspoken, shirtless Southerners that are at every party. These guys make every day look like New Year’s Eve, and competition will put you down as quick as anything. Smile and politely step away, as if you are Canadian.

2. Try to make out as often as possible. It is easy to fall asleep during sex, but the active courtship of a French kiss is good for adding a few hours here and there. So spread the love and reach for the stars. Your victory may be twofold, but if not, the discomfort of blue balls will at least keep your eyes open. 

3. Instead of waiting for strangers to join conversations, call on them to comment. This keeps the ball rolling, and chicks love to be asked their opinion.

4. The old weed-porno one-two seems promising, but it’s really just a sensualist myth that will leave you vulnerable to nodding off—unless you do it while standing. 

5. The three immutable G’s of successful crowd-rousing must be employed at all times: Grin, Guffaw, and Gesture. You’ll never get bored because Texans will be attracted to you like Kate Moss to a junkie. Once you have an audience, you’re less likely to sit down, which is the first dangerous step toward sleep. 

6. But the real secret is getting super-fucking-wired-then-drunk over and over again. The powder and straw will keep you up, and the booze will keep you silly and safe from a heart attack (usually). Moderation is the key when fooling with the devil’s dandruff, or hello feeding tube. Remember how they did Terry Schiavo. 

7. On the other hand, why bother with street dealers when there are legal drug manufacturers cranking out shit that is plentiful and shellac-free? Simply spot an overwrought hipster who believes he has ADD/ADHD and whisper in his ear to hand over a few goodies. If said kid is attention-deficient he won’t remember anyway, and the rest love to share. Then head to the local bodega for a molcajete and grind the pills like you’re making guacamole. In a jiff you will have the smoothest speed this side of Vegas. Would you take a Land Rover to a shade-tree mechanic? Go with the pros.

*The official verified sleeplessness record is 11 days, set by high school senior Randy Gardner in 1964. He apparently suffered little or no negative consequences. So there’s hope.