This has been one hell of a strange year. A walking, talking Shetland pony is well on its way to becoming president, Jupiter Ascending happened, and Kim and Kanye basically gave their child a name straight out of Final Fantasy. All that and so much more is exactly why we decided to bring to you our guide to some of the strangest food heroes of 2015.
Our first gastronomic champion of abnormality brings us to the ill-advised world of "fitness beer." That's right, protein-fortified workout beer was for one glorious moment, almost a reality. Unfortunately, Blake Konrardy and his fitness-oriented brewery—Supplemental Brewing—flew far too close to the sun and failed to meet their Kickstarter goal. Still, it's good simply knowing that such a bold Titan of industry is out there trying.
Moving along to another hooch-soaked hero, lets talk about quite possibly the single greatest human to ever walk this earth. Way back in August, we told you about Miss Zhao—an intrepid Chinese woman of near unparalleled vision; vision enough to do what most would deem unthinkable: drinking an entire goddamned bottle of Rémy Martin XO Excellence after being stopped by airport security in Beijing for trying to carry liquids onboard. No one knows for sure what happened to Miss Zhao after consuming all of the contraband cognac, but we'd like to think she's mixing it up with her usual antics, bottle in tow.
Then, of course, there was the lady who solved her food addiction thanks to a past-life regression. She told us that the reason she needed to stuff food into her face on the regular in this life became crystal clear when she discovered that she had been a starving Aztec in a former life. So if you're struggling with a few extra pounds, you can just blame your past life as an Egyptian slave or a Russian peasant and keep on eating.
In a very special edition of Restaurant Confessionals, we learned about the highs and lows of being a pizza delivery dude. Our intrepid confessor worked in a college town for nine years delivering 'za, and was willing to give us the inside scoop on what it's really like to do God's work. We learned that he and his fellow deliverymen got blown, high, robbed, propositioned, jumped, and threatened, all while delivering pizza to an ethically-challenged group of customers consisting of frat bros, meth-heads, sexually-adventurous cougars, and thugs.
We also followed a lot of food criminals this year and tracked their every nefarious way. But the ones that left perhaps the greatest impression on us were the father-son duo who ripped off $41,000 worth of chicken wings from the Syracuse, New York restaurant in which they worked as cooks. By our calculations, these two re-sold hundreds of thousands of wings on the down low to nearby restaurants. So if you ate a spicy wing in Syracuse in the past year, it might very well have been sourced from this dynamic duo and their now-defunct wing trade.
Every year brings its heroes to the fore. We're talking about the previously unknown good guys, who toil away in obscurity until fate thrusts them into the spotlight, suddenly illuminating their talents and fortitude. And that's why we were so proud to tell you about one Robert Wright, who saved not only his family from a fire, but also made sure that the rack of ribs he was casually grilling at 3 AM were no worse for the wear. And so it was: ribs and family were both saved from incineration. Sometimes, life is pretty good.
The world, as it were, can be a cruel, dark place. And that is precisely why we as a society take such comfort and reassurance in earthly pleasures—like an implacably toasted piece of bread. That's why it's so imperative to humanity for things like Rate My Toast to exist. For the uninitiated, Rate My Toast was a Twitter page with close to 15,000 followers and the brainchild of Liverpool resident Finn Mciver. On it, truth-seeking toast enthusiasts would submit photographs of their toast to the scrupulous gaze of Finn, who would rate said toasty submission. Unfortunately, both Rate My Toast and its creator, Finn, seem to have disappeared into the ether.
Shit may be heating up stateside as the next presidential election steadily nears, but our thoughts are still squarely situated on quite possibly the most enigmatic bit of geopolitical mysteries to occur ever. Plus, it involves pizza. Back in October, we reported to you about the perplexing pizza pie that was nebulously delivered to Julian Assange at the Ecuadorian embassy in London. We'll probably never know for sure who in the hell actually ordered this particular Domino's Texas BBQ pizza—could it be Assange himself?—but the mystery will forevermore live on in our hearts and minds.
Julian Assange likes Dominos Pizza. Texan BBQ to be precise. Just had a chat to delivery guy outside embassy. pic.twitter.com/NVRPGbhTWA — Polly Boiko (@Polly_Boiko) October 12, 2015
Saving the best for last, we wrap up our intrigue-laced guide to 2015's strangest food heroes with quite possibly the most important figures in the 21st century. After all, who could possibly dream up a hamburger-themed girl group except for the most prophetic of minds? Japan's own Hamburgirl Z is a 15—that's right, 15—person girl group in which members don hamburger-topping costumes and prance about, all while singing about the godly merits of hamburgers. Did we forget to mention that the group was started by the chairman of the West Japan Hamburger Association? If you disagree with us that these girls are the food heroes of 2015, maybe what's tripping you up is the fact that the group thinks Awaji Island Fish is an actual topping for a hamburger. We'll forgive them for the oddity, because we're pretty sure they are well on their way to becoming the world's inevitable overlords.
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